Page 55 of A Dream of Stars and Curses

I’m alone again. Somewhere, a phone rings, and I’m surprised to look down and find my mobile in my hand. I answer, because what else am I supposed to do?

‘Hey Esta, it’s Eloise. I’m sorry. You’ve been made redundant. Can you come in to look at the paperwork? HR want to talk to you, too.’

I hang up before I drop the phone. This is just a fear, right? Eloise said herself that I’m not at risk. Why would I be? I don’t earn enough to save them much.

The scene changes again and again after that. My shadow is at the vet—no sign of Bonnie—and Lady lies in my arms as they inject her with something. I don’t need anyone to say what this is to know what they’re doing. Shadow-me is shaking enough as she pets Lady’s head that there’s no other option. Real tears shoot into my eyes, because Lady hasn’t been quite herself lately. We thought she was just tired from playing with Kate’s dogs, but what if it’s not that? What if my dog is sick?

Shadow-me stands outside our house. Black fog licks towards the sky, and my dream-certainty tells me our house is on fire. Bonnie and I are standing in front of it, holding each other and crying.

I shake my head. None of this is real. For some reason, my unconscious has decided to scare me, that’s all. Frankly, the Dreamcatcher did a better job. His nightmares were much more violent and graphic. Everyone’s been telling me that it’s normal to need time to recover after what I’ve been through. Maybe this is the last remnants of the fear he made me experience. That would make a lot of sense, actually.

I shake my head again and will myself awake. I’ve had enough of being scared. The others are right: I need to give myself more time. I’ll ask Leverett for a soothing tea, Kate for meditations to relax, and I’ll schedule a day out with Bonnie so we can have a real change of scenery.

When I wake up seconds later, I don’t feel triumphant. I feel too much like the dream let me go. Instead of leaning into the part of me that just now thought I need to give myself grace, an old fear resurfaces:

What if this was just another beginning, and every new dream will morph into a worse nightmare again?

After last night’s dream, I’m more excited than ever to see Leverett today. He didn’t say what time I should come over, but to my own surprise, I don’t run to him as soon as I’m awake. I remember Kate’s instructions for cleansing our house well enough. After the dream and the lingering fear that I’m cursed, I don’t think it’s a bad idea. Maybe, if there are any bad influences on this house or me, I can smoke them out. Kate did say to repeat it as needed. Maybe her one cleansing wasn’t enough? Maybe something stayed behind when the Dreamcatcher left.

I shiver when I light the sage in Bonnie’s room first. The thought that something invisible and evil has been squatting in our shadows is... unsettling, to put it mildly. But I remind myself that this is why I’m smudging everything again, and as I work my way through the house, I imagine warm light filling every room through the open windows. If this doesn’t do it, maybe I can ask Kate to do another one together. Maybe two smudge sticks are better than one? I don’t know.

I finish as Kate taught me: by snuffing out the gentle embers in the soil outside.

‘Please, let this be it,’ I whisper as I make sure that every last spark is out. Bonnie left for her internship before I got up since it’s a long drive, so the last thing I want is a stray spark setting the house on fire while I’m making out with Leverett.

A breeze brushes over me, and I spread my arms in greeting.

‘Please, blow the rest of whatever curse is on me away.’

I don’t know if it works like that, but I figure it can’t hurt. It does make me feel better, but then the wind has always done that.

I take a deep breath, which I hope is cleansing for my mind and soul, and slowly let it out. I don’t know where or how this curse has bitten into me, but I’m trying to cover all the bases. I put the smudge stick away again and seriously hope this is it now. I throw some more salt into every corner for good measure and draw a banishing pentagram on the doors with my finger and salt water. I’m not sure what else to do now except hope it’s done and ask Kate for help if it’s not.

Lady is still asleep when I prepare to leave or I’d go for a walk with her. Poor puppy has been sleeping more than usual. I remember what the dream showed me, that she’s sick, but I refuse to fall into its trap. The Dreamcatcher had me scared to fall asleep. I won’t be afraid to be awake now. Our dog is fine. Everyone gets tired, and she’s had some exciting adventures with Kate’s dogs lately—not for a few days, sure, but I know what I’m like when I get a muscle ache. Maybe she’s still recovering, too. Or maybe she’s down from the bad energy in this house? I wonder if she can smell it, if she knows what it is and just can’t tell me. Generally speaking, I can communicate with our dog just fine—animals are really fairly easy to understand if you’re willing to listen and learn their language—but this is beyond my abilities.

When I leave the house, I’m somewhere between more relaxed because I cleansed the house and a nervous mess because of where I’m going. I overthought everything this morning, from how to brush my hair to what underwear to put on. Will he even care when he’s busy ripping it off me? I blush. Maybe he won’t do that. He’s always been so kind and considerate, so he’s probably the same in bed. That I’m about to find out has me all kinds of nervous and excited and—

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