Page 10 of A Dream of Stars and Curses

‘They say when you meet your soul mate, you know,’ Mischief says. ‘Maybe that’s why you’ve got it so bad.’

‘That’s not helping.’ I create a glass of icy water and drink it in three big gulps. The temptation to empty another over my head is strong. My heart clenches when a thought occurs to me. ‘Is it possible to be someone’s soul mate but they aren’t yours?’

Mischief hops onto my lap and gets comfy. ‘I wasn’t prepared for the big questions tonight.’

I stroke her back. Pet her head. Rub her ears.

It helps.

‘But what do you think?’

Mischief waits a moment to enjoy the cuddles. ‘I think that would defeat the point of soul mates.’

I nod. ‘Then I don’t think that’s it.’ If Mischief is right and you just know, then he would know as well, wouldn’t he? Something would keep bringing us together.

‘Have you asked him why he chose Eastport?’ Mischief asks. ‘Maybe some invisible pull he couldn’t explain drew him here?’

I smile, but it doesn’t get far. ‘We’re not soul mates. I’ll just need to figure out a way to live with it.’

Mischief squints at me. ‘Or you could grow up and tell him how you feel—for real this time. What’s the worst that could happen?’

I frown. ‘It could ruin our friendship and a perfectly wonderful bookshop. I don’t want to lose either, definitely not both.’

Mischief does her cat equivalent of a shrug. ‘You do you. Although, if he did you it would—’

‘Oh, gods. Stop. I created this forest to work through my shadows, not to be teased about them.’ Or by them.

Mischief laughs. ‘Sorry, sorry. I’ll stop. But that’s probably why you’re not making any progress.’

I frown again. ‘Because of your teasing? I completely agree.’

‘Because this forest is for shadow work.’ Mischief huffs and stretches. ‘Your feelings for Leverett aren’t some dark side of you. They’re just feelings. Not something to fix or accept about yourself.’

I’m not so sure. ‘Maybe that’s the problem. I’ve been trying to get over it, but maybe I need to accept how I feel about him first.’

And maybe that’ll help me accept how he feels, too—or rather, how he doesn’t feel. Maybe I can focus more on our friendship, and maybe, in time, my feelings for him will vanish.

I hate that there’s so much uncertainty, but this is new territory for me. I’ve always just got over people, and always before they got over me. I’m the one who ended every relationship. There was never anything to work through or accept, but I don’t see any of my usual reasons for breaking up in Leverett. He isn’t immature. He isn’t an arsehole. He doesn’t treat me like shit. In fact, he’s the very opposite of those things.

I’ve never felt this safe with anyone, either. I’ve never felt like I could be myself, talking about paranormal interests and such. Leverett lets me embrace who I am, even encourages me.

I let the ground swallow me up to my ankles. I’m not convinced I’ll ever not have feelings for him, but maybe that’s okay. I value our friendship, too. Going forward, that’s what I’ll prioritise, and I’ll chase away every vision I have of him being naked or of myself wrapped around him. Or thoughts of how his chest might feel if I ran my hand over it. How he might react if I slowly traced my fingers down towards his trousers...

Damn it.

Mischief sits in front of me. ‘It’s not too late to summon dream-Leverett.’

‘Not happening.’

While I do want to know how all the above would feel, my lucid dreams don’t have the answers. As Mischief said, it would be wish fulfilment, not reality. If I can’t be with him when I’m awake, being with him in my dreams would be a pale imitation of the real thing. My unconscious would merely fill in the blanks. None of it would be real, and that’s not what I want.

Mischief said something else I can use, though. I can be a grown-up and, in this case, get over it. People do it all the time, don’t they? I can do it too. I just need to figure out how.

And given that I’m seeing him tomorrow, I hope I’ll do it quickly.

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