Page 4 of You're so Bad

Iprobably shouldn’t be here.

Maybe that’s exactly why I came.

I’ve been good lately, doing and saying what I should. Sometimes it feels like a pair of too-tight boxer briefs strangling my balls.

Ten minutes ago, I was in a very sweet vintage Rolls Royce on the way to a wrap party for the movie in which I was human scenery. I was with my buddy Burke and his girl, Delia, both of them dressed to the nines—Burke in a tux and Delia in one of her colorful dresses you can’t look at too long if you want to keep your eyes working right. I was feeling pretty fly, because I was dressed in pants that didn’t have a single hole in them, and I’d convinced the driver of the car to let me have a turn behind the wheel. There’s nothing that makes my blood sing quite as much as doing something I’m not supposed to. The driver, a geezer with a huge mustache, had moved over to the passenger seat. He had all the marks of someone who was feeling regret, but hey, he’d agreed.

When we picked up Constance, I could tell there was something off with her. Normally, she would have nearly shit herself over being in a car like that—same as me—but she barely said two words. Then, a couple of streetlights later, she confessed to the whole shebang about Shauna and the photo…

And I nearly wrecked the car.

Here’s the truth: I’ve got a thing for Constance’s granddaughter. Shauna’s small but athletic and curvy, with short purple hair and an attitude that makes her ten times as sexy. Then there’s her art. She’s a clay artist, and most of the bowls, mugs, and vases she makes are monsters. They have sharp teeth. Tentacles for hair. You name it. They’re cool as hell, and the fact that monsters live inside that pretty little pint-sized woman interests me.

And I’d just been hand-delivered an excuse to spend time with her.

Nothing can happen between us, of course. I might have started talking to Constance on the movie set out of boredom, but she’s become important to me—important enough that I don’t want to fuck up our friendship to see if her granddaughter tastes as good as she looks.

Not that I’d be offered the chance.

This thing I’ve got for Shauna isn’t mutual. If anything, she’s taken a dislike to me. Seems like she has a smart reply to everything I have to say and a judging gaze that’s always on me. Still, I wouldn’t mind getting to know her better, even if it’s as bad of an idea as it was for that driver to let me take a turn behind the wheel.

Speaking of him—he shrieked, “Pull over now, sir!”—and then threw us out as soon as I’d parked at the curb.

Once we’d all filed out in our finery, he shouted, “You’ll never rent from us again,” which we all agreed was fair. I don’t like it when people mess with my toys either, and itwasa very nice car.

Burke said he’d grab us an Uber, but from the way he was eyeing me, he already knew what my next move would be. He let me stew on it though. My buddy was raised by a couple of rich assholes, so he can be pushy as hell, but he knows what makes people tick. Getting bossed around doesn’t it do it for me. So he doesn’t try it all that often.

Still, he obviously wasn’t surprised when I announced I was bouncing on the wrap party, on account of I had to go see my girlfriend.

“Say hello to Shauna for us before she knees you in the balls,” he said with a smirk, wrapping his arms around his girl.

“Oh, she wouldn’t do that,” Delia said, because she is both sweet and naïve. I have every expectation that Shauna might punch me if she opens that door. She certainly won’t be rolling out the red carpet.

“I can’t say I’m sorry for any of it,” Constance said as a group of tourists pushed past us, arguing about directions. They were wrong, but I felt no need to say so.

“Nobody thought you would be,” I said.

She shrugged, looking delighted with herself, and Delia and Burke shared this knowing glance you only see between two people who’ve been foolish enough to fall in love.

“Stop it with the lovesick glances,” I said. “I got a weak gag reflex.”

“Yes, me too,” Constance added. “All of this pecking and mooning is all very good when you’re young and everyone’s pretty, but wait until you’re in your eighties and everything sags—”

“Good God, Constance,” I said, giving her arm a gentle shove. “I just got done saying that thing about the weak gag reflex.”

She laughed wickedly. “Tormenting you makes me feel young again.”

A woman walking by with a stroller gave us a worried look, like she thought our crazy might be catching. When I saluted her, she nearly broke into a run.

Burke rolled his eyes at us, although he should have been used to us carrying on. It’s what we did the whole time we were on that movie set. There’s not much fun to be had when you’re told to sit or stand places like you’re a potted plant, so Constance and I made our own fun.

“We weren’t mooning over each other,” Burke objected. “We had a feeling something like this would happen.”

“What, that Constance would send a photo of me around to her friends and say I’m Shauna’s pediatric surgeon boyfriend?” I asked. “That’s a very specific thing to have foreseen. Maybe you should bail out on L&L Restoration and start a phone psychic business.”

L&L Restoration is the house flipping business that Burke and I are running.

To be clear, he’s the one with the bones and business smarts to get this ball rolling. I’m as broke as the day I was born—and if I had any business sense, I’d have a bank account with a few zeroes in the balance.

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