Page 63 of Shame

I look down at the little life I carried inside me for nine months. I wanted this boy to find his way to a nice family.

“Will he be kind to him?”

The matron regards me. “He is who he is. But he is his father. That boy has his genes. They belong together. You know this.”

“I’ll do it,” I say. “If it saves Lucas. Will you help me?”

Matron grabs her mug and drains the last of her coffee. “Will I help you? Yes! I have a lot of things to do. I’ll be in touch shortly. We don’t have much time.”

The door clicks shut behind her as she leaves our apartment. I’m left alone with a whirlwind of emotions. I shift the little one to the other breast, hoping he’s not too full yet. This needs to happen fast. Lucas is in acute danger. He can be killed any minute.

God, stay alive! For me.

‘I haven’t named him.’

My own words eat away at my soul. I hold him to my chest. The little boy. My son. He deserves a name. And love. And a Mamá. I want to die. I can’t let Lucas die! I’m caught in a nightmare and I’ve never wanted my mother more in my life. I want to be little again; I want someone else to carry my burdens for a little while.

I have to call a cousin. My parents don’t have a phone. My heart pounds rapidly, thud, thud, thud. The wait is eternal even though they live close, only across the street. I’m afraid Mamá won’t come to the phone. I’m afraid she will come to the phone and tell me she still won’t have anything to do with me. I know I hurt them. I don’t know if I can fix it. I look down on my little son, so little, and still so magnificent.

“Si?”

“Mamá?”

“Mija!”

I burst into tears.

We speak for a long time. Papá comes as well. I tell them everything I can, protecting them from everything they can’t know. I ask them about what my uncle said, and it turns out they never said anything like it. I can’t understand why he lied. Was it to prevent me from leaving when I got homesick? My heart hurts so much at the thought that I nearly choke. All this pain. All the hurt and loss, theirs, mine.

Finally, I tell them about the little one.

“Mamá. I have a son.”

I have to hold the phone at some distance not to get my ear damaged from her shriek.

“I want to call him David.”

She goes quiet.

“After Papá,” I add.

“Will you come home?”

“As soon as I can.”

My father comes to the phone. “I would be honored, Carmen.”

I have to wipe tears off my eyes. I have a family again. I hug my boy closer, pushing away the thoughts of the future. The thing I must focus on now is Lucas. I don’t know if I can ever see him again, but at least I can save his life.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Lucas

The barred gate slams shut behind me with a very final sound. I’ll never set foot outside again.

The cuffs are off. I’m dressed in an orange jumpsuit, the legs and sleeves too short, and carry a towel and a toothbrush.

I don’t move as I take in everyone in the room. There are ten cells lined up next to each other on each side, stairs, and more cells on the upper floor. In the center of the room are tables, couches and chairs. Everybody goes silent and stares at me for a few moments before they seem to lose interest and go back to whatever they were doing.

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