Page 60 of Shame

I almost jump through the roof when the doorbell rings. It’s ten in the morning and my roommates are asleep, business having been resumed as usual after a couple of days of rest after he was just born.

No one should come here. Landlord? We’ve paid the rent, and nothing is broken. A john who can’t tell day from night? My biggest fear is that it would be someone from my old life, but I should be safe.

It rings again, a long high-pitched, annoying signal that is bound to wake the dead. I decide to do just that. Dashing into Jane’s room, dark and dank, I shake her until she wakes with a grunt.

“There’s someone at the door. You gotta open it. I can’t show my face. Please!”

“All right, girl. Hold your horses.” She stumbles out of bed, naked as the day she was born, snatches her robe off the floor and pushes a hand through her hair. “How do I look?” she asks as she wraps the robe around her and ties it.

She looks a mess. “Like you just woke. You’re very pretty. Now go.”

I dash back to my room and carefully push the door closed, my heart in my throat. I look at the baby. No, fuck it. If I lift him, he might wake and scream. I sneak into the closet, hiding behind my clothes and pull the door shut, breathless, trying to listen.

It feels like it takes forever. I don’t hear anything. Suddenly there’s a knock on my door, and then it opens.

“Carmen?”

It’s Jane. She sounds calm. I push open the door and crawl out.

“We alone?”

“You need to hear this.”

Her face is too serious. My mouth turns dry and my chest clenches up. “What is it?”

She cocks her head for me to follow. Jane isn’t a stupid girl. She wouldn’t put me in danger. I think. They know I’m hiding, but not from what, from who.

“Who is it?” I whisper and grab her arm.

The answer shows up in the doorway, making me jump back in shock.

“Carmen.” Her eyes are mild, filled with compassion. Then her gaze darts to the bed, to the little bundle of warmth and powdery scents sleeping there. I take a step to the side, hiding him from her sight, surprising myself with my protective instincts.

“Matron.” My voice shakes.

“Call me Elena. I’m not your matron anymore. We need to talk. You don’t have to be afraid. No one knows where I am.”

“How did you find me?”

“Gabriela.”

“She swore on her life!” My heart drops to my toes. Fucking hell. I knew she’d keep my secret, or I wouldn’t have told her.

“Circumstances have changed. She did well to talk to me. Come. I have coffee that’s cooling off. Jane here was so kind to offer me.”

With heavy steps, feeling as if I’m walking to my execution, I follow her to the kitchen. Jane boils some more water, tosses a spoon of instant coffee into a mug and puts it along with a cup of sugar in front of me. Then she disappears without a word.

“What is it?” I ask, my lips numb, my interest in drinking anything non-existent.

“It’s Lucas.”

Her face is so serious that I lose my breath for a moment.

“Is he dead?” She shakes her head and I fall against the backrest, all air leaving my lungs. “What is it then?”

“He’s in jail.”

Okay. That’s shit, but something that could definitely happen, considering he does what he does.

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