Page 58 of Shame

My throat thickens and I can’t hold back the tears. The little one falls asleep, greedily sucking on my nipple. My breasts look like a cow’s udder, and I know it’ll only get worse as the milk starts coming for real in a couple of days.

“I am never having kids,” mutters Alex as she regards the little duo that is me and the baby.

Jane laughs. “You never know.”

Alex scoffs, and as I smile a little at their exchange, a deeper, more hollow contraction builds.

“I’m going to push a little on your belly. Can you lie over on your back for me?”

I grab the baby, careful not to disturb the suckling as I shift, but he’s deep asleep and falls away from the nipple.

“You know a lot about childbirth,” I say as Jane starts massaging my belly in a downward movement.

“I studied to become a nurse,” she says quietly and looks away.

I’m baffled. I didn’t know. “What happened?”

“I got caught stealing morphine from the med locker. I… got addicted after breaking my leg in my teens.”

I grunt and clench my teeth as I fight to help my body get rid of the remains. “I’m so sorry,” I say between labored breaths.

Something warm and wet flows out between my legs and finally a complete feeling of peace settles in me.

Alex and Jane gather the plastic sheet and towels, cleaning up the mess at the bottom of the bed.

“We all have our crosses to bear, love.” She looks from me to the baby.

I haven’t told them, but she’s not stupid. She knows something is off. I nod. “I guess.”

“Rest. Okay? You’re gonna need it. From now on you take every chance you get. Let me take the baby.”

I surprise myself by hesitating.

“I know what I’m doing.” Jane’s voice is thick with emotion.

Nodding, I open my arms and let her relieve me of the tiny package that’s been snoozing on my chest.

She cradles him to her, plucking a little at the towel around his face.

“He’s beautiful.” Her voice is wistful, and her eyes shine. I think of the children she lost and my chest clenches at the thought of how she must hurt.

I nod. “Yeah.”

As the door falls shut behind them, I pull up the comforter to my nose, overcome by exhaustion. Of course he’s beautiful. His father possesses an almost otherworldly beauty.

And an evil that makes the Devil look like an angel.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Lucas

The booking area is a loud place. I’m being led, cuffed, occasionally stumbling, by two heavyset cops who don’t treat me with any care. I feel the loathing ooze off them. I’m being processed, strip-searched, get my clothes back but not my shoes and belt. My wallet and phone, even the fucking lint in my pocket, is all tossed in a plastic bag that is labeled and put aside. They shove a pen at me, to sign off for what they took, but I refuse to lift my hands. Fuck them all. Pushed through another corridor, they finally throw me in a large glass cage, with twelve other men of all colors and sizes. Some are tall, broad and menacing. Some are just tiny little weasels. Some look like they don’t belong here. I feel for the transvestite. He’s not gonna have an easy time in here. I scan the crowd for a threat, but no one gives me more than the odd uninterested glance.

One guy sits on a wooden bench, bawling his eyes out. Another keeps pacing back and forth, strings of curses leaving his mouth. Occasionally he slams his fists on the thick glass window.

I’ve never been arrested before. I don’t know the drill.

There’s a phone in the corner, but I have no one I can call. I have nothing but enemies on the outside. I guess I should get myself a lawyer, but I don’t even know where to start. No one has told me anything save for a few short orders.

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