Page 56 of Shame

I smile and stroke her cheek. “Right now, you do too.”

She beams at me and then nods at the book. I take a deep breath, turn the page and begin to read. I took up where Lucas left off, and I’m nearing the end of the third book. Alex keeps interrupting me, asking a thousand questions. She’s a sweet and simple woman. Her brain isn’t quite right after years of drug abuse, and she’s having a hard time focusing on things, but it’s all right. I have all the time in the world.

One ordinary Tuesday morning in late January, right after I have waddled between my bed, the bathroom and the kitchen, I get a sudden heavy pull in my lower stomach. I wiggle my hips, thinking I need to pee, and then it passes.

I’m making tea, got a slice of bread in the toaster and am boiling an egg. Right as I put the tea bag in the cup, I feel it again, a vague contraction, lasting a little longer than the first. I freeze.

Oh God. Oh no.

Jane and Alex are sound asleep. From what I heard, the last customer left at five. I stand unmoving, tea bag still in hand, the bright morning sun hitting the gray linoleum floor where I stand, warming my sock clad feet. No thoughts pass my mind. For a few moments I’m absolutely numb.

Then I continue with the tea, my hands shaking, stopping for every contraction, checking the time between them. I’ve seen plenty of women give birth back home in the village. I know the ropes. My water hasn’t broken yet. The contractions are still vague, and far apart. I have time. What I need now is to eat, drink and rest the best I can. I’ll go fetch the plastic sheets I bought for this occasion, not to soil the mattress, the pair of scissors, the rubber bands, the bowl for water and the pile of clean towels. I have everything prepared. I may not want this baby, but I’m a practical girl and I gotta do what is right.

Of course the thought has struck me from time to time that I might bleed, or that the baby will get stuck. I don’t want to die, but I can’t go to the hospital. It’s out of the question. If I go there, I might as well call Salvatore and tell him where to find me.

As the hours pass and the contractions get stronger, the pauses between them shorter, I pace the apartment, gritting my teeth to not moan. I rock my hips back and forth, trying to ride the waves of pain. Yet again he’s hurting me. Even from afar.

I have moments of absolute despair, when I can’t hold back the tears, afraid of today, afraid of what will come out of me, afraid to hold it.

I’m on my third hot shower, holding my hands against the tiles, almost doubled over as I wiggle my hips through a contraction so rough it makes me unable to breathe, when I feel something slick on the insides of my thighs.

Fuck.

I squat and push two fingers up my pussy and then recoil, almost falling on my butt. That was the baby’s head. Not through yet, but I’m wide open. A whimper escapes me as I grab the towel and stumble through the rooms, banging my fist on first Alex’s door, and then Jane’s.

“It’s time,” I wail. “Help!”

The sudden need to push makes me squeal as I fight to hold it together.

“Help!”

Both doors fly open almost simultaneously and two half-dressed girls come rushing. Jane grabs my arm as Alex runs to the kitchen.

“Come, Carmen. I’ve got you, honey. Why didn’t you wake us earlier?”

She holds me until I’ve sat down on the bed.

“I didn’t want to bother you,” I grit between clenched teeth, throwing my arms around my chest. The next contraction is so powerful that I scream, clutching her arm. I dart up and turn toward the bed, gripping the bed frame, rocking my hips to relieve the pressure.

“Honey, you need to lie down.”

“I can’t!”

I scream again as I feel like I’m being ripped in two.

“It’s too big! I can’t!” I gasp.

“Yes, you can, honey. Everyone feels that way. It’ll pass.”

“Got the water!” A breathless Alex, her face terrified, comes darting into the room.

Jane dips a finger in it. I lose myself in another wave of agony.

“Sweetie. You need to mix some cold water in that. It’s gotta be warm, not scalding.”

“Jane!” I wail, “I think it’s coming. I’m so insanely happy Jane is a mother and has gone through this.

Alex disappears in a flash and is back within a minute.

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