Page 51 of Shame

I should have taken Lucas up on his offer all those weeks ago. Now it’s too late.

CHAPTER TWENTY

Carmen

Ivan drives me back. Rinse, repeat. Matron sits on the couch in the common room, wrapped in a checkered throw blanket. The house is silent, the room cozy, decorated in warm colors, dimly lit. It almost feels like home by now, but it’s a home that has begun to build too many bad memories. When she sees me, she darts up, her eyes flying over my body as if she’s inspecting me.

“How are you?”

I limp toward the stairs, the pain in my ass making it hard to walk when my ass cheeks rub against each other. “He didn’t beat me at least,” I mutter, and make my way up to my room.

“Do you need help? Painkillers?” she half-shouts after me.

I shake my head and continue. No. I don’t want painkillers. I need the pain to keep me rooted. I need to stay in the now. I don’t want to dull.

In the shower I let the tears fall. They are not for me, they’re for the pain I saw in Lucas’ eyes, the pain my existence is the cause of. If we’d never met, he wouldn’t have been in the position he’s in right now. What are a few weeks of happiness to a lifetime of sorrows?

Sleep won’t come. Salvatore’s threats play on repeat in my mind and my stomach is in knots. After a couple of hours, I pull on soft pants and a top, and make my way down to the kitchen where I find early bird Gabriela making sandwiches, dressed in a thick purple robe and black dragon-shaped slippers. She’s a short, curvy girl with a cute button nose, and long almost platinum blonde hair. I’ve always envied her that smooth, sleek hair. My own is coarse and dry. I struggle with loads of conditioner every day, trying to tame my locks from Hell.

“Oh my God, Carmen. How are you? Do you want a sandwich too? Tea?”

She looks me over, as if looking for bruises. I wonder if everyone’s gonna keep looking at me like this. This time there’s not much for anyone to see, though, they’re mainly on the inside. My soul is frozen in fear. I’m beyond terrible. I can’t tell her that.

“Sure,” I say lightly, “I’m starving. And I’d love tea. It’s funny, I haven’t felt like drinking coffee in a while now. It tastes weird. Did we change brands or something?”

Gabriela quits what she’s doing and puts a hand on her hip, studying me. Then she takes a step forward and lays a hand on my stomach, making me jerk from the unexpected intimacy.

“What—”

“Girl, are you pregnant?”

I take a step back. “What? No! What makes you say that?”

My mouth turns dry in an instant as my mind connects all the signs I haven’t seen. My boobs growing, the nipples suddenly so sensitive, the ravenous appetite, the weight gain. Oh no. Oh fuck no! I know whose it is. I carry a devil’s spawn! My whole insides crawl with the sudden absolute knowledge. He’s in me. He’s with me everywhere. He’s the only one who’s come inside me, that second time, four months ago. Am I four fucking months pregnant? The room spins.

“But… the IUD?”

“They can be displaced. They’re not hundred percent.” Gabriela looks at me with pity in her eyes.

My heart slams in my chest and the room spins. I grab the back of a chair to keep me upright as I think of how brutal he’s been. If anyone, anything would have fucked something up in me, it’d be him. After that first time… that dull ache in my stomach. Was it then?

“Don’t tell anyone,” I whisper tersely. “Please!”

“Are you getting rid of it? I know a guy.”

My immediate instinct is no. A big no. I was brought up a Catholic. I’m not overly religious, but some things are so deeply rooted in me that I can’t wash them out.

“Of course,” I say. That should be my reaction, so I lie through my teeth to sweet Gabriela. “Give me his number.”

“I’ll get it for you later.”

I keep up the facade as long as it’s needed. We have our tea, eat our sandwiches. My appetite is completely gone, but I force it down, pretending to be cool. I wait outside Gabriela’s room, get the number to the ‘guy’ and then flee to my own sanctum.

Matron doesn’t ask me to work, of course. I’ll be off for a few days. Except for mealtimes, I stay in my room the whole day and make plans. I pack and hide the bag under my bed.

I hesitate. I can’t be one hundred percent sure it’s safe, but just in case… I knock on Gabriela’s door. I want to leave one tiny opening for Lucas to find me, even though I shouldn’t. Just… in case anything happens.

“Can you keep a secret?”

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