Page 52 of Hawke

Her concern was evident, and I realized it was the first time anyone had ever asked me that in a moment like this. During my childhood, obviously, none of my abusers had cared enough to ask me. My mother hadn’t even given a damn. Once I’d broken free of that hell, I’d been so fucked up, that this seemed to be the norm for me.

Forcing myself to push all that aside, I looked down at Charlotte. “Are you?”

“Yes, of course. I—”

“Come here,” I told her, extending my hand. Once I helped her onto her feet, I pulled her back into my arms.

“D-did I do something wrong?” she asked, her voice sounding as down as my mood had become.

I was the one who fucked up, the one stuck in that perpetual state. I pressed my forehead to hers. “No...” I paused, unable to tell her what had spooked me earlier. Some things were better left unexplained, my past being at the top of that list. “I just didn’t want to come in your mouth.”

It wasn’t a complete lie. I would much rather be buried inside her when I did. I suppose it was the partial truth in my statement that brokered no argument from her. Sweeping her back up into my arms, I carried her over to my bed. I dropped her in the center, then I was back on top of her as I’d been a short while ago.

34 – CHARLOTTE

Ishivered as his warm breath moved across my cheek to my ear. He traced the shell of it with his tongue while his nimble fingers worked their way back inside of me. Hawke began to kiss his way back to my mouth, swallowing my cries when he stroked the spot guaranteed to make me detonate. He had told me earlier there were no rules, so I allowed myself to orgasm.

It was somewhat bittersweet because I knew he hadn’t come yet. I hadn’t been a submissive for that long but even as simply a woman, I had the ingrained desire to please my partner. Remembering the last debacle, fear began to creep in that I was failing Hawke yet again. Still fresh in my mind were the words he’d told me after that scene.

Is that what this is?

I couldn’t ignore the nagging thought in my head, but I did try to stay with him. It wasn’t hard to not be affected by his hands and mouth seemingly everywhere on me. Every touch lit something inside I knew would eventually explode in some fiery crescendo. That wasn’t even a question. Only how and when were.

“Do you want pleasure or pain, little sub?” Hawke seemed to read my mind because his question was right on cue with my thoughts.

“How do I choose between pleasure or pain?” I answered his question with one of my own before continuing. “It’s like asking me to choose between air and water. They’re both essential to my being. I can’t and I won’t choose. I want it all, but above all else, I just want you.”

Hawke paused for a moment before he reached above my head. I didn’t know what he was doing until I heard the tearing of a foil wrapper. He’d told me he hadn’t wanted to come in my mouth, so maybe I hadn’t failed him completely, yet.

Hope bloomed within me, and when he crawled back down my body, Hawke nipped at my bottom lip, giving it a slight tug before moving between my legs. His large hands ran up and down my thighs until he raised one of my legs for better positioning. When he had positioned exactly how he wanted me, I watched his face as he slowly began to push inside me.

There was an undeniable amount of tension from the rigidity of his jaw to the overall hardness of his features. He seemed to be present in the moment, but he wasn’t. My heart twisted in my chest the longer I stared at him. There was something wrong here. I could not only see it, but I could feel it as well. He was holding back on me, and I didn’t understand why.

“Was it my answer?” I thought out loud.

His eyes had been partially closed, but at my spoken thought, they flew open. “What?”

I’d never experienced this level of insecurity ever in my entire existence, but it seemed like it was the norm for me whenever I was with Hawke. I was usually left with more questions than answers, never really understanding where we were. Whenever I’d think he hated or was annoyed by me, he’d do something unexpected like stalk me outside of public bathrooms. He’d gone from a kiss to ignoring me completely.

When I finally got him alone again, we’d had sex, then he left me directly after. It’d been followed by another bout of silence, then our infamous scene. That was when he’d told me that I hadn’t pleased him. After I’d begged for him to leave me alone, only to wake up to find him watching me sleep. And even now, he went from telling me he didn’t want to have sex with me, yet he was taking me to bed. It was here, however, where those wicked insecurities made my head spin the most.

“Why am I not good enough?” I asked. I knew the answer carried the potential to shatter me completely, but it was a risk I had to take. It seemed everything with Hawke was.

Hawke withdrew, and while my body felt the loss immediately, I had felt it long before he carried me to the bed. Even now, he seemed uncomfortable. I didn’t get him at all. I now feared I never would, either.

“I’m trying not to hurt you,” he countered.

“Liar! Can’t you see that’s exactly what you’re doing?” I didn’t know how much clearer I needed to be. As he’d been after our last scene together, he was completely detached from what was going on. “Just be truthful for once and tell me that I don’t do anything for you.”

The hardened lines of his face softened some at my words. Hawke had been brutally honest with me since the day we had met. I didn’t understand why he struggled now to just tell me the truth. The longer he played this charade, the more hurt he would cause me.

“I wish that I could.” Hawke stopped there, and I nearly scoffed at him.

“Wish you could do what? Tell me I can’t please you in bed? If so, you’ve already told me that before.” The earlier tears returned, and with a vengeance.

He looked torn on how to answer. He was thinking too long and hard on what to say, which to me just confirmed anything he said would be a lie. After scrambling into an upright position, I pushed his hands away when he tried to touch me.

“Just don’t.” I hurried out of bed and looked frantically for my clothes. I saw them by the door, and I had just managed to pick up my panties when Hawke grabbed them from my hand. “Give those back!”

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