Page 41 of Hawke

I would count the seconds in my head as I tuned out everything else going on around me. It was the only coping mechanism that ever worked for me. If I didn’t see or hear them, I would be okay. I just had to lie there and let the drugs do their worse, and once the physical acts were over, I could crawl back inside of my head, and stay there until the monsters reappeared. And they always did. Whether in spirit or person, they were always there just beneath my skin.

27 – CHARLOTTE

Pain, then pleasure, then back to pain. My entire body was stretched taut as the dueling sensations took over me and kept me prisoner. His scent... his voice... his hands...and a guttural moan slipped from my cracked lips as Hawke covered my body with his. I wanted to hold on to that moment, but a noise caused the entire image to disappear.

Had I dreamed it all up?

My eyes drifted open and confusion assaulted me when I realized I wasn’t in my own bed, or even one that I recognized such as the guest rooms at Chase’s or Emery’s. When I went to stretch, my body protested by sending pain shooting from one set of limbs to the other. I then realized exactly where I was. Everything haunting me for the last however long was not a dream. I had truly been here with Hawke, yet I was now alone.

Pushing the pillow away, I was about to get up when I saw a solitary figure sitting on the chair in the corner. Even though the room was very dimly lit, I could tell from his silhouette that it was Hawke. I almost called out to him, if for no reason other than to ask him why he was all the way over there, but another vision flashed before me.

Closing my eyes, our last few minutes of the scene replayed in excruciating clarity. I swallowed back my sob. The last thing I remembered before falling asleep was his hurtful words. I’d then asked him to go, and I could remember him doing so, but he had evidently returned.

Was it to hurt me more?

After all, I had dropped to my knees and begged the sadistic bastard to hurt me, but I had expected the physical variety. What he had said to me afterward.... Those words cut me deep when he had first said them, and even now, I could still feel the knife twist that he’d lodged in my chest.

I didn’t want to argue with him. I just wanted to leave, hopefully with my dignity intact. Trying not to make too much noise, I slid toward the edge of the bed and sat up. In that position, everything ached. I already knew I would be in bed for the rest of the day once I got home.

After stealing a glance behind me, I could see that Hawke was still sleeping, although his body would twitch from time to time. It was obvious he was dreaming, and not about anything good if looks were any indication.

“Asshole,” I mumbled, almost hoping he was having a damn nightmare.

I grimaced in pain once finally on my feet. My clothes were on the table beside the bed, but it was a feat of monumental proportion to actually get dressed. With every sharp movement, pain would assault me as a welt or other wound would reopen. No matter how hard I had tried to be quiet, it wasn’t enough because when I started to dress, I realized I was wrong.

“Charlotte.” My name on his lips caused me to nearly jump out of my skin.

I winced before responding, “Don’t worry, I’m leaving. You’ve won.”

While I had still been in some form of subspace earlier, I wasn’t any longer. I was angry, and not in the mood to humiliate myself further. I reached for my dress, but Hawke was quicker.

“I need to treat your welts, little sub.” I didn’t even realize he’d gotten up, much less made it over to me until his scent enveloped me. A small part of me wanted to lean back, and into him, but my pride was stronger, so I didn’t.

“I’ll be fine,” I told him, then narrowed my eyes at him.

“It’s non-negotiable,” he told me. Hawke flipped on the light and made a couple of noises as he inspected my backside.

I could’ve continued arguing with him, but it’d only upset me more. I never wanted to let him see me cry again. Ryder had been wrong, and I planned to tell him so if, and when, I saw him. At this point, I doubted I would ever darken the doorstep of Syn again.

“Oww,” I cried out when he pressed against a particularly sensitive welt. The pain distracted me momentarily, and I gritted my teeth while he finished. When I heard him put the cap back on the bottle, I nearly sighed in relief.

“About what was said after…” he said, pausing mid-sentence.

“Don’t worry about it,” I replied, grabbing my dress. Despite the pain, I managed to wriggle into it. “You were right before when you said this was a mistake. I understand that now and just want to go home.”

Hawke didn’t want to let me go, which was evident when he grabbed my arm. I could already feel the waterworks, but I refused to let him see me cry. Doing the only thing I knew to do, I looked him square in the eye. “Eleanor.”

His face contorted into one of disbelief at the word, but he recovered beautifully. I only wished I could go from hot to cold as easily as he did. Since it was the safe word, this conversation was over. I was about to tell him as much, but he released my arm and stepped back.

I grabbed my shoes and dropped the heels to the floor. After I slid my feet into them and gathered the rest of my stuff, I didn’t dare look at Hawke. When I was finished, I hurried to the door and disappeared out of it as quickly as my feet would take me.

It was still dark outside. I glanced at my phone, which barely had a charge and I realized it was because of the time. Four thirty in the morning. I couldn’t believe I slept for that long. My scene with Hawke had taken a lot out of me. I’d never experienced anything like it before and if things would’ve ended differently, I might’ve stopped in some other night after these initial wounds had healed for a repeat.

He hadn’t enjoyed sex with me. Never had I been so embarrassed in all my life. And he knew it. I wouldn’t put his lying as a way to hurt me, past him. After all, he was a sadist which was why I was still fuming when I left the club.

The frigid cold seemed to zap me out of my head and back to the present. The parking garage was nearby, so I walked swiftly over to it. While Lo-Do had come up a lot in recent years, it still wasn’t the safest place for a woman to be walking alone in. But then again, was any neighborhood really?

“Keep your head down and walk,” I reminded myself on the trip across the street. Once I made it back to my Maserati, I got inside and locked all the doors. It took a few minutes for the vehicle to warm enough so the steering wheel wouldn’t feel like a rod of ice.

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