Page 35 of Hawke

Squaring my shoulders, I smirked. “I won’t accept it.”

“I know all about you,” he told me. “I know how you grew up in a lap of luxury. As the only female child, you’re used to getting whatever it is that you want. It might work when you’re with your family and friends, but it won’t work with me.”

“So, you won’t have sex with me because I’m rich?” That was the first time I had ever heard that excuse before. Because of my family’s wealth, my older brothers and father had to practically beat the boys off with a stick when I’d been growing up. “That’s pretty lame, even for you.”

“Lame?” he repeated. “No, it’s called self-preservation. Your father has a high-dollar attorney on retainer, and he would send him after me in a nanosecond if he found out the things I would do to his little princess.”

“I’m not a princess. I’m a grown damn woman capable of making her own decisions.” More than annoyed now at his generalizations about me, I continued, intending to give him a piece of my mind. “I know it’s a novel concept, but rich girls can also choose who they sleep with. It’s not like you would know, though. Huh?”

I closed the remaining distance between us and poked at his chest. My knees were practically knocking together, but I couldn’t let up. Something akin to pain flashed in his eyes, and I briefly considered doing exactly that, but Ryder’s advice about fighting for him re-entered my mind.

“I’m not doing this with you,” he finally said.

“Am I not pretty enough?” I asked, not even caring about the tear dropping from my eye. A few more followed, but ran unchecked. Hawke stayed silent, so I finally shoved at his chest. “Answer me!”

He growled in warning, but I didn’t budge. I was about to shake him, but he opened that infuriating mouth of his right before I could. “You’re fucking beautiful, but too damn innocent.”

“I don’t see the problem. We’re consenting adults.” I didn’t know why he was being so damn difficult. If the few sexual encounters I’d had in the past had been anything like this, I would’ve still been a virgin, and only then would I be innocent like he considered me to be.

Hawke grabbed my arms, giving my body a hard shake. When my eyes rose to his, a frisson of fear coursed through me. Thankfully, the pure adrenaline was more plentiful. “Don’t you understand I’ll fucking destroy you?”

He let me go, then turned to leave. I had one more chance before he walked not only out the door, but out of my life. I knew I would never have this chance again if he did, so throwing all pride to the side, I quickly stepped in front of him.

I dropped to my knees, placing my hands on them, palm sides up, and lowered my head. I had read something about that sort of presentation, and even if it wasn’t the one he preferred, he would have to see the significance of it.Right?

Glancing up, I saw him shake his head before continuing toward the door. “You’re already destroying me,” I told him. Hawke stopped, but didn’t immediately turn around. “If you walk out on me again, it’ll be worse than anything you could ever do to me in here.” He did turn this time, opening his mouth to speak, so I hurriedly started talking to stave off his warning. “Use me… abuse me… Do whatever the hell you want with me. Just make me feel something other than the helplessness I feel in this moment.”

When I finally paused for air, he started to speak. “You don’t know what you’re asking for.”

“B-but I do,” I stammered.

“You don’t know what you’re asking of me,” he clarified, and it was in that moment I realized this had never been about me. It was, and had always been, about him.

I scrambled to my feet and over to him. “Whatever it is, I can help you.”

He chuckled sarcastically. “You trying to save me now, little sub?”

“I’m trying to save us both,” I responded honestly.

“I doubt you’ve ever needed to be saved from anything in your—"

“Yes, I might’ve lived a privileged life, but it doesn’t mean it was perfect. I have demons of my own.”

“Not like mine,” he quipped.

I ignored that as more tears rolled down my cheeks. “You don’t even know me, Hawke. If you did, you would know how tired I am of everyone expecting me to act a certain way because of where I’m from. Do you know how exhausting it is to be constantly compared to your mother who was a supermodel? Am I pretty enough... elegant enough... classy enough... And then, what’s even worse is how you’re left questioning the motives of everyone around you, never knowing if they like you for you, or if they are just there to see what they can get from you? And don’t even get me started on my brothers. My God, other than Emery, I don’t know if I ever really had another true friend in my entire life. And honestly speaking, there are those rare times when I’m left wondering about her, too.”

And that was the truth. My entire life I had watched girl after girl befriend me in hopes of getting close to one of my brothers. Hell, even when I was at my lowest after my last interaction with Hawke, even Emery cared more about trying to get close to Ayden than being there for me. Yes, I knew she loved me, but it still hurt me nonetheless.

Hawke looked sympathetically at me before responding. “I know how that feels, and then some. I’m just not seeing the correlation in our lives. We hail from drastically different backgrounds. All I have to give you is more pain, and I can’t see how it’ll help you at all.”

“But you never let me finish, Hawke.” And he hadn’t. The tears were flowing harder now. “I’ve always felt as if I was on the outside looking in at my own life. I know the script, especially seeing as I’ve been practically programmed since birth to be the perfect daughter… sister… friend...debutante. It’s honestly fucking exhausting. I feel as if my life is not even my own most of the time. It’s like I was in some sort of bubble until you came along. I’ve lived my entire life feeling numb untilyou.”

“All I’ve done is hurt you since our very first encounter, and I continue to do so now.”

He didn’t seem to understand what I was getting at, so I walked back over to him so I could look him in the eyes. Only then would he see the truth. “Yes, you have. You’re an asshole, Hawke. We can both agree to that.” His lips quirked into a half smirk, which had the rest of my spiel spilling forth from my lips. “And that’s why I need you. When I’m with you, I actually feel something. For once in my life, I feel alive. I’ve never felt that before with anyone else. I need you to hurt me because I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.”

24 – HAWKE

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