Page 82 of Riding the Waves

“No. Thanks. I wanted to speak to you too. Obviously. That’s why I’m here.”

“If it’s about the child support money, I promise I’ll be using it from now on. Hopefully I won’t need to touch what you’ve given me so far and I can still keep that to give to the boys later.” She leaned against the sideboard, arms folded over her chest. “I’ve decided to move.”

“Oh?” It came to him that maybe she was taking the job Scarlett had mentioned and was moving to Hope Cove. He couldn’t even contemplate whether that would be a good thing or not, but there was no time to think about it before she continued.

“It doesn’t make sense for us to stay in the house. It’s too big for the three of us. There are a few places in the same area that look good. With the money I get from the divorce and your child support payments I should manage fine.”

“Right.” Damian had his hands in his back pockets as he listened, noting the edge to her voice as she laid out her plans and realising how much he’d wanted her to say she was moving to Hope Cove.

“I’ve also decided to work for Hope Cove Press. It’ll mean a pay cut but I still think I can manage it, and I’ll be working from home which will be easier with the boys. There’ll be a lot of flexibility too. Plus, I really love the work.”

“That’s great,” he said, bunching his shoulders up and releasing them again.

“Yeah.” She pursed her lips, looking at him expectantly.

He tapped the table beside him, trying to recall what he’d wanted to say when all he could think of was telling her he loved her and that he wanted her to include him in his plans in more than just a financial way.

“I’m not angry with you for marrying Anthony,” he finally said. The flicker of surprise in her eyes made him wonder if she’d even thought that or if Scarlett had got her wires crossed. “Scarlett told me you think I’m resentful of you for taking the boys from me.”

She swallowed hard and pulled out a chair at the table. “I took the boys and let another man raise them. It’s not something I imagine you can easily forgive.”

He stared at her, struggling to fathom that she felt that way. That she saw things that way.

“I forgave you a long time ago.” He shook his head. “That’s not true ... I don’t think I really saw it as something I needed to forgive. Admittedly, I was hurt and pissed off for a long time, but most of my anger was directed at myself not you.” He paused but she only looked at him as though she’d lost the thread of the conversation. “I left you,” he said firmly. “I left you with two babies when I knew you weren’t coping. What kind of person does that?”

“You left so you could earn more money.” Her defensive tone shocked him. “And you wanted us to go with you.”

“And live where? I had no plan. Of course you couldn’t go with me.”

“It doesn’t mean it was okay for me to go off with someone else.”

Damian took a chair and moved it right beside hers before he sat, facing her. “Did you marry Anthony to get back at me for leaving?”

“No.” She chewed her bottom lip. “I was just scared, and he was there. I thought I was doing the best thing for Billy and Marty.”

“Okay, so can we just agree that we both made well-intentioned bad decisions and stop beating ourselves up about it?”

“It’s not so easy, given how things turned out. My decision hurt you and Anthony.” Tears pooled on her lower lids. “And myself too.”

He reached for her hand, cradling her fingers while trailing his thumb over her palm. “I love you,” he whispered. “I loved you from approximately the first day I met you and I never stopped.”

“You love me, but you don’t want to be with me?” She blinked away tears. “That’s the vibe I’ve been getting. I just don’t understand it.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to be with you. Of course I want to be with you.”

“But?”

“But I don’t think I’ll ever be enough for you.”

“Why on earth not?”

“Because I’m disorganised and unreliable. And you’re the exact opposite.”

“I don’t think you’re unreliable. Not at all. I can’t even imagine why you’d think that. I also don’t think you’re particularly disorganised.”

“Compared to you, I am.”

“Maybe,” she agreed with a small smile. “But my need to control certain aspects of my life isn’t something I particularly like about myself. And you being disorganised sometimes doesn’t bother me.”

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