Page 120 of Sinful Desires

Peering through the mirror at my reflection, I noted the dark circles beneath my eyes. How pale my skin had become despite its usual golden appearance, and how much weight I’d already managed to lose in only a matter of a couple days. I looked like absolute shit, and as the days ticked on, it only seemed to get worse.

After taking care of my oral hygiene, I gathered some clothes and stepped into the shower, relishing in how the hot water felt against my skin. I didn’t waste a lot of time bathing considering my thoughts seemed to haunt me more when I did, so I hurried and stepped out onto the tile, wrapping a towel around my waist. The cold air was a stark contrast to how the water had felt moments ago and goosebumps prickled along my skin as a result.

My eyes burned from the lack of sleep I’d been getting recently, but maybe I deserved it. Hell, I deserved worse than that. The image of Raven’s lifeless body and the way she’d died had been seared into my mind. She didn’t need to die either. What the fuck was wrong with me? Why didn’t I say anything? Maybe I was just a coward--a sheep in wolf’s clothing. Running my hands through my hair, I released the towel from around my waist and began drying myself. I was pathetic.

Later that day, I found myself picking at my food as we all sat around the table in the cafeteria. I didn’t dare bring up my concerns with the guys, knowing it wouldn’t do any good; it hasn’t in the past. I couldn’t help but to look over at the table where they normally sat. It was officially Monday, which meant that today would be the day people started to ask questions. If not today, by Wednesday for sure. Gia was there as expected, a frown tugging at her lips as she looked around the room, probably hoping they’d show up. My stomach knotted with guilt, and I forced myself to look away. There was no sense in torturing myself any further. It wouldn’t change anything.

Myles laughed at something Hunter had said and the normality between the three of them made me grit my teeth. Maybe I wasn’t like them. They didn’t seem to care about what happened over the weekend at all. I hadn’t expected Myles to bat an eye, but for Hunter and Foster...this wasn’t like them. Or, at least, I didn’t think it was. Maybe I didn’t know them at all.

“Hey babe,” Madison’s raspy voice chirped as she sank down into my lap, wrapping an arm around my neck. I craned my neck to get a good look at her and forced a smile of my own.

“You look nice today.” It was a lie. But maybe she could help take my mind off things.

Madison was wearing a pink skirt that was too short on her and a matching crop top, leaving her slight muffin-top exposed. She wasn’t heavy-set by any means, but the outfits she wore weren’t form fitting. She nuzzled into my neck and giggled, which had little to no effect on me.

Jessica wasn’t far behind, taking a seat beside Hunter. As far as I was concerned, they were still broken up, but maybe they were trying to rekindle things.

“Where’s your new friend?” Foster asked them, surprising me. He never asked about girls or cared about where they were.

Jessica perked up at that. “Paisley?”

“That would be the one.” He rolled his eyes like his question had been obvious enough. I suppose it had, but Jessica and Madison hung out with a multitude of people, so it was a valid question.

“Oh, she’s skipping classes today. Didn’t want any of the teachers to spot her, so I’m taking her something back to eat.”

“You good?” Hunter asked me, leaning in so that no one else could hear our conversation.

I furrowed my eyebrows in mock confusion. I knew why he was asking. My appearance had changed drastically over the last couple days; they probably assumed I was on drugs. “Why wouldn’t I be?” I queried, plucking a fry off my plate and sticking it into my mouth.

His eyes narrowed, the expression on his face a clear indicator that he didn’t believe me. Luckily, he didn’t push it and returned his attention back to Jessica and Foster.

The rest of the day dragged on. I couldn’t concentrate for shit. Luckily, nobody said anything about the two vacant girls, but that wouldn’t last long. As soon as classes ended, I made my way toward the woods, not even sure as to what I was doing or why. All I knew was that’s where I needed to be right now.

I welcomed the cold, not even bothering to tug my hood on despite my ears burning from the bite of November. I felt like a zombie as I trudged through the trees. My limbs were weak, and the lack of sleep has ripped me from any energy that might have been beneficial in a time like this. I didn’t know how the others did it. Could just kill without a care in the world. The fact that I liked Aspen wasn’t helping matters either. I’d just been jealous walking in on her and Hunter like that. Had I known this would be her fate, I would have steered clear of her from the beginning.

Before I knew it, I was standing over the pond, looking down at the water. My eyes burned with the need to explode and as I kneeled, my entire body shook.

“I’m so fucking sorry,” I whispered at my reflection, knowing anything I said would go unheard. “You didn’t deserve this. I-I’m a fucking coward. I think I’ve always been a coward. But this was a new low for me. I don’t know what I was thinking. The alcohol, adrenaline, and how fast everything happened...“ I trailed off, tears rolling down my face. “I’m not making excuses. There is no justifiable excuse in the world to validate what we did to you.” Part of me didn’t think they’d actually kill her. Maybe bring her out here, scare her into keeping her mouth shut, but not actually do it. When Foster shoved her, my heart stopped, and everything started to move in slow motion.

“I’m a piece of shit,” I murmured, sniffling. “And I don’t deserve to be here. But I’m a coward. So alive, I’ll remain.” Standing, I kept my gaze fixated on the water that seemed to be too still. “I’ll be back next week.” And with that, I turned on my heels and started back in the direction of the woods.

My chest rose and fell at an unsteady pace as I navigated my way through the trees. Tears blurred my vision, but I did nothing to prevent them. I deserved to feel like this after what we did. I might not have been able to stop them from killing her, but if I was even half of a fucking man, I would have tried. Heavy breaths left my mouth, coating the air and turning into what appeared to be smoke. I’d always wondered why that happened in cold weather, but I never cared enough to look it up.

Luckily, soccer season was over, so that was one less thing I had to fuck with. My gaze traveled over the naked field as I made my way out of the woods. I didn’t stop walking until I was on my floor and secured inside my bedroom. Ripping off my shoes and jacket, I dropped them on the floor and crawled beneath my comforter.

Sighing, I rolled over on my side. I couldn’t picture Aspen as an angel. A demon maybe. A smoking hot demon.

The following day, I awoke the same way. Vomiting my guts up and sweat dripping from my skin due to the nightmare I had. They were always the same. Aspen rising from the dead, haunting me, and then killing me for what

After taking care of my hygiene, I got dressed for the day and decided to make an early trip to the cafeteria. At least this way, I could avoid the guys and sulk in my own misery.

“Collin?” A familiar voice called out as I crossed the threshold into the cafeteria. Turning my head, my gaze snagged on Skylar--the girl I’d planned on fucking the night of the Halloween party before everything went to shit. For some reason, even seeing her right now did nothing for me. Pleasure of any kind didn’t sound satisfying to me. Maybe I was broken.

My lips pulled up into a half-hearted smile. “Hey there.” She was seated in a booth closest to the entrance, no one else seeming to be around this time of morning.

“Do you want to sit?” Her blue eyes lit up at the prospect of me joining her, and declining the offer would have just made things awkward. Truthfully, I kind of just wanted to steer clear of women at the moment. At least until I could sleep through the night without puking.

Reluctantly, I nodded. “Sure. Let me just grab some food and I’ll be right back.”

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