Page 168 of Heartless Beloved

You made her a criminal. You made her a target.

For years I warned her against you.

Look at what you’ve done now.

All true.

Zara’s mom is right, after all. Our moms were best friends, so we became friends too. The three Maghrebi kids in our community. Until I got roped into NSC and took the girls with me. Easy money, independence, freedom. That’s what we were promised. That’s what we sacrificed everything for.

I leave for Zara’s room, checking everywhere for any stash she would keep for me. But my best friend was smart and would never leave anything here if it put her mom in danger. I drop to the floor and slide under her bed, grabbing the key to her P.O. Box.

When I finally walk back into the living room, my mom is there, pouring Moroccan mint tea into a small glass for Jamila. She puts the teapot down on the table and slowly moves to me. Her slap is strong enough to make my head snap to the side. I look back at her, down at her tiny form, and her dark eyes say everything. She shakes her head slowly, disappointment seeping out of her.

“Weldi.” My son. My eyes dart away, not able to take her in when I know she’s about to say the words that will be the end of me. “If your dad could see you,”she says in Arabic. “I hope God forgives your sins, Ziad.”

I run my hand across my face and nod at her. There’s nothing to say. Just pain to feel.

We stay with Jamila until the cops show up, and she’s told for the second time tonight that her only child is dead. She has no husband anymore, either. I had to hide in the room since I was covered in Zara’s blood.

By the end of the night, nothing is left of the good man Alex tried to make out of me. The fact that I missed that birthday dinner doesn’t even cross my mind until I check my phone to see I missed calls from her and a message asking if I’m alright.

But I don’t reply. The person she got to know isn’t here anymore.

There’s only anger and sadness. Rage and guilt. I feel it all.

It’s time Alex meets the real me. Once and for all.

31

ALEXANDRA

i hope ur miserable until ur dead – Nessa Barrett

I twist and turn in bed, half asleep. I’m vaguely aware it’s the middle of the night, yet I’ve been in that state for hours now. First, I couldn’t sleep since I was worried about Xi. I couldn’t stop thinking something terribly wrong happened. He hasn’t answered any of my calls or texts, and there’s nothing I can do. When I started accepting that I would just have to wait for tomorrow, my body was too anxious to fall asleep. I hadn’t realized how much being back in my old room would affect me.

After my birthday, I spent countless nights, eyes wide open, expecting someone to break in at any point. I thought if my kidnapper hadn’t been arrested, he would come back for me and finish the job. My only reassurance was that I hadn’t seen his face or the faces of his accomplices and that they should believe I wasn’t a threat to them, to begin with.

Still, I was terrified, kept awake by one seizure after the other. My parents even had a private nurse sleep in the room next to mine to care for me.

They would never do it themselves.

Dad confined me in my room for weeks, too afraid I would do something socially unacceptable if I were to be let outside, ultimately making things worse. This place became my prison, even more so because I couldn’t gethimout of my mind.

Why couldn’t he be someone I’ve come to hate for the right reasons? Them being that he kidnapped me, assaulted me, and traumatized me forever.

Instead, I hated him because he stirred my dormant desires to life. Showing my dirty secrets could turn real. He made me hate myself for the awakening he put me through. I was changed forever, knowing no one would make me feel the way that man did ever again.

Except Xi.

The crazy man who decided that he and I would be forever and that I didn’t have a say in it. Having someone turn completely crazy with obsession for me. Isn’t that what I’ve been looking for?

I’m disappointed that Xi didn’t show up tonight. I had plans for us, but I finally fall asleep knowing that I can go back to him tomorrow. That he keeps me safe. That his love is what keeps me strong right now, and that one night in here on my own means nothing when I can be safely back in his arms in only a few hours.

Nothing specific awakens me. Probably the same fear and anxiety that hindered me from falling asleep.

There’s no noise, no movement. Nothing touching me.

And yet when my eyes sluggishly open, heavy from sleep, I gasp at seeing a tall form standing at the foot of my bed.

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