Page 120 of Heartless Beloved

A whimper escapes me. I hate when he calls me stupid; I hate everything about him.

I attempt to take a deep breath before I can talk again. “I was just with some friends. We went to the falls on the North side. Please…don’t hurt me.”

Whoosh.

The sound of the belt slicing through the air makes me squeeze my eyes shut. I pinch my lips when it hits my left upper arm. Falling onto my side, I curl into a ball, protecting my head with my arms.

“And what about that house? Who was it? Anotherfriend?”

Crack!

I cry out this time, the belt slashing through my dress at my hip, and he hits me again for being too loud.

“Be quiet,” he hisses.

He backs away, and I feel him lurking, preparing for his next move.

“What about the C minus? Was that because you hang out with your friends too much?”

Crack!

It’s my outer thigh this time, making me whimper as I bite my lower lip.

“Please,” I sob. “I’m sorry. It hurts…”

“It’s supposed to hurt, stupid girl. You are going to get your act together, Alexandra. Because I will not have an embarrassing,”Crack!My hip.“Idiot.”Crack!My ribs. “For a daughter.”Crack!My forearm. The one protecting my face.

He went for my face.

The beatings are not unusual, but he usually would never want anyone to know.

He retreats, panting and watching me sob. My entire body is on fire; I can feel the welts forming, thick and swollen. He puts his belt back on, rakes his fingers through his hair and rearranges his sleeves.

“Clean up the mess you made, shower, and put some makeup on. Don’t make us wait forever.”

My uncontrollable sobs don’t stop, and he nudges me with the tip of his Oxford. “Did you hear me, Alexandra?” he huffs.

“Y-yes…” I whimper.

“Then get to it.”

I force myself to sit up and watch him leave. The shower burns this time, and I have to change my dress because he ripped the one I was wearing. My makeup needs to be heavy to hide the small bruise forming right next to my mouth. My lipstick is a bright fuchsia, hiding the red cut at the corner of my lips. I wear a shawl to hide the two bruises forming on my left arm and practice my fake smile in the mirror.

“Thank you.” I smile at myself, rehearsing bits of conversation I might need at the restaurant. “Oh, how delicious,” I say in a cheery voice. “Excuse me, I must go to the ladies’ room.” Tears shine bright in my eyes as I smile over and over again until it looks so real I almost believe it myself.

I gulp, grab a black faux-fur coat, and make my way downstairs. I’m ready to pretend we are a perfect family to the nosy population of Stoneview.

When I come home later that night, I lay in the dark, struggling to find a comfortable position. I bask in the pain while I stare up at the ceiling. And like most nights, before I fall asleep, I think of ways to kill my father. I imagine I would make it painful, and remind him of every single time he hurt me. It makes me feel better. But then I wake up in the morning and tell myself it’s a shame I’m a coward.

20

ALEXANDRA

Without You – Lana Del Rey

I check my phone as I cross the grass, walking to my afternoon class.

Unknown: Look up, cupcake.

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