Page 56 of Pause

I glance at my phone. It’s eleven at night. I wipe the sleep from my eyes and stretch out the kinks in my muscles.

Another quiet knock. It has to be Slade.

I open the door and there he is, looking rumpled and weary. His five o’clock shadow gives him a gruff appearance I find sexy. There’s a feeling around him though, one of defeat. It’s as though he’s wearing a black cloak of darkness. His eyebrows are furrowed, his eyes bloodshot. It’s the man I know, and yet it’s not.

All at once, he rushes forward and crushes me to his chest in a savage embrace, kicking the door shut with his foot. We say nothing as we stand there in a tight hug, simply exchanging comfort, finding solace in just holding each other. Together, we are powerful. Facing the world alone is so much harder.

He's turning to me in his darkest hour. I’m overcome by so much gratitude, it engulfs me. He’s not running. He’s facing his life head on.

And he wants me by his side.

This is what I wanted. His hug is so tight, I can barely breathe as he clings to me. I want to be there for him, just like he was there for me in my darkest hour.

“I’m so sorry, Marin. I’m so sorry I left you. I abandoned you, left you behind to fend for yourself. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t think straight.”

That’s what he’s upset about? I think he’s the best man I’ve ever known. His (step)father’s qualities must have rubbed off on him. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not. I was only thinking of myself.”

“With good reason.” It’s not the kind of news you hear every day.

“There’s never a good reason to forget about you. I need you, Marin. So much. Is that okay?”

My face is squished against his chest, but I still smile. “Yes, of course. I need you too. You’re my lifeline right now. I felt so alone without you.” Selfishly so.

He releases me, his knuckles grazing my cheek tenderly. “Can we talk? Is it okay if I stay for a while?”

“I’d like that.”

Here’s the glaring difference between Blu and Slade: Slade wants to talk about it. He’s a communicator. Blu refused to face his demons and left me with a cowardly letter.

We sit down on the bed, our arms wrapped around each other, but Slade immediately pulls me to my feet. “Let’s not sit on the bed.”

His emotions are scrambled; his control is weak and hanging by a thread. I imagine his restraint is low right now. It’s probably wise to sit at the small dining table and chairs instead. He shows me so much respect, even during his blackest night.

I think I love him.

We sit at the table, holding hands while our arms rest on the surface.

“Where have you been all day?” I ask, unsure if he wants to talk about it.

He does. “Walking.”

“All day?”

“Yeah. Walked up and down the beach. Took a trail up into the mountains. Just needed to let off some steam, think things through. I didn’t want to say something to my mom I would later regret, you know?”

I like that about him. “I get it.”

“Feels surreal. Like I’ll wake up and realize I dreamed the whole thing.”

I stroke his hand with my thumb. “How do you feel about everything now?”

“At first, I was fuming mad. I can’t believe Mom cheated on Dad. How could she do that? It’s so unlike the mother I know.”

“And now?” I lace our fingers together.

“I don’t condone what she did. But I understand how it happened. It’s in the past and it was between Mom and Dad. It’s not my place to judge her. If Dad could forgive her, then so can I. If they were able to move forward and have a happy life, then I can too. It took me a while to reach that conclusion. Now I realize Mom didn’t confess her story to admit what she had done wrong. That wasn’t the point at all.”

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