Page 53 of Pause

“Things I need to know? Like what?”

Lauren wipes away a few more tears. Whatever she’s about to say, it’s an emotional subject. “Something I should have told you years ago. To be honest, this has been weighing on me. I’ve known for a while it’s what I needed to do. Fear kept me quiet. I owe you an apology for not telling you sooner. I can’t go to my grave without you knowing certain things. It’s vital. Lately, I can hardly sleep at night worrying that something will happen and I’ll never be able to tell you what you need to know. That’s why it couldn’t wait, and I had to tell you right now. I can’t let another day go by without you knowing the truth.”

“The truth about what?” Slade questions, his voice low.

Lauren carries on as though Slade didn’t say a word. “I thought I would never tell you. I felt some things were better left unsaid, but I’ve changed my mind. You need to know. Adrian, your father, didn’t want you to know. He felt it would have an adverse effect on you, maybe even cause psychological issues. But he’s not here to object, and I’ve made the difficult decision to tell you everything. The thought of you never knowing…I can’t stand it.”

Slade’s face is utterly blank as he stares at his mother like she’s an alien. I feel for him. “I don’t understand what you mean.”

My stomach starts to ache as worry sets in. I have a feeling this will not be something Slade wants to hear. Selfishly, I’m unsure our brand-new relationship can handle family drama. I promise myself I will stand at Slade’s side through whatever he’s about to face. A little voice is telling me he’s going to need me.

Lauren sighs. “It’s hard on children when they realize their parents aren’t perfect. I think what I’ve feared the most is you’ll hate me. I don’t think I could handle it.”

“Mom, stop it. I could never hate you. It won’t happen.”

I believe Slade. No matter what, he loves his mother.

“You might hate me when I tell you the truth. I understand if you feel anger or resentment. I expect it. I’m not even asking for forgiveness. I’m prepared to face the consequences for what I’ve done.”

Slade scoffs. “What have you done? It can’t be that bad. C’mon, now.”

“Give me a minute. This is extremely hard to say out loud. I’ve never told another soul.” Lauren looks down at her hands as she composes herself. “To begin, I need to backtrack a bit. Back to before you were born. Back to when your father and I lived in Italy.”

Slade interrupts. “I know this story. Dad worked in international banking and he was hired to help open up a new branch in Venice, Italy. You weren’t there for very long when you became pregnant with me. You had such bad morning sickness, Dad sent you home to live with your mother so she could take care of you while he finished his time in Italy. After that, Dad realized he wasn’t happy in his job, and life was too short to waste time doing something he didn’t enjoy, so he quit and bought Sheridan House. Then we lived happily ever after.”

I smile at Slade’s levity, but Lauren’s eyes well with tears again.

“Yes, that’s all true. But there’s more to the story, Slade. As you know, I was only nineteen when I married your father. He was twenty-seven, quite a bit older than me. Not a scandalous difference in age, but enough to cause a bit of a mental divide between us. He was career-minded and had a serious nature.”

Slade leans forward. “Dad? He was always filled with laughter. Making jokes all the time. He was rarely ever serious. What are you talking about?”

“He changed after having children. He became a different person. You and Dex were the joy of his life.”

“Go on,” Slade says.

“At any rate, I married young. While your father was overly serious, I was still a little girl in so many ways. I was silly and laughed at the most inappropriate times. I know I embarrassed your father on several occasions. I loved life, and I was a bit frivolous. Some people called me a free spirit.”

I like her more and more. Those are probably the qualities her husband loved about her.

“Aren’t we all at nineteen?” Slade says. “It’s not a crime, Mom. Is that what you wanted to tell me? That you were frivolous at nineteen? That you laughed at inappropriate times. Heck, I still do that.”

I’m in good company. I’m guilty of the same thing. These are my people.

Lauren wrings her hands in her lap. “No, that’s not what I wanted to tell you. It’s pertinent to what I’m about to tell you, though. Keep in mind, I’m not making excuses for myself. What I did was wrong, so very wrong. But it brought you into my life, so I’ll never regret it for one second.”

Bam. The bomb just dropped. Emotions are exploding all around us.

The room is dead silent. Slade goes completely still, his face carved out of stone. No reaction is visible. He’s not even blinking.

How I long for smiling, funny, silly Slade.

Lauren swallows. Hard. She continues, even though she’s obviously scared of Slade’s response. “We’d only been married for six months when we went to Italy. Hardly enough time to form a strong bond between us. I thought living in Italy would be like a continuation of our honeymoon. I imagined it as the most romantic time of our lives. I was sorely disappointed.”

Lauren places her hand on her heart, taking a moment to control her emotions.

“Your father was always working long hours. Literally from six in the morning until nine at night. Even on weekends. I was young and stupid, with nothing to do except explore romantic Italy. I was left to my own devices all day, every day. It was a recipe for disaster. Neither one of us realized it, though.

“Your father was exhausted every night when he came home. He would fall into bed and be fast asleep within two minutes. He was too tired to spend any quality time with me, if you know what I mean. I felt neglected and bored. We hardly said two words to each other. I was too young to realize he was working hard to move ahead in his career, that he was doing it to support his family. All I felt was ignored, like he didn’t care about me.”

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