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We’ll never know.

I’ll never know. The mentality of a child of divorce can be complicated, messed up. That’s one thing I know for sure.

The thing is, Marin, there’smore to my story, things I’ve never mentioned. The second time around,my parents didn’t just leave each other.

They left me.

Yep. My parents divorced me too.

No really. They did.

My parents were not members of the Responsible Parents Club, the ones who do it right, who make sure their child/children know how much they’re loved by both partiesin spite of the breakdown of the marriage.

I wish I’d been the one to tell my parents, “Forget you guys. I’m going to live with Gram until you two get your acts together.”

They didn’t give me the chance. They just shipped me off to Gram.

Marin, I had no place else to go.

Mom and Dad were each pursuing new lives, starting over, erasing our family from the history books. To include me. They didn’t struggle to co-parent.They simply didn’t co-parent at all.

The worst part is, I tried to get their attention. This is a part of me I’m not proud of, but Ineed you to understand my twisted frame of mind—and how it still affects me even now. It all started when Dad sent me a plane ticket to visit him. Then he forgot to pick me up from the airport. I waited for hours. He never showed. Ever. He literally forgotabout me. Turns out, he was on a business trip and it “slipped his mind.” In the end, Gram took over and booked me on a plane straight back home to her.

The entire experience was, well, devastating.

That’s when my self-destructive behavior started. I hitmyself on the head with a rock and told everyone I fell. I was in the hospital for three days with a concussion.

My parents never came to visit me.

I threw myself down a flight of stairs. Didn’t break anything, just banged myself up real good.

Still, my parents were no-shows.

I asked a neighbor kid to beat me up once. He did a good job of it too. Still no sign of my absenteeparents.

It took me a while to realize they really didn’t care.

I won’t bore you with every little detail. Suffice it to say, my parents began to joke I was accident-prone.

I wasn’t. Never have been. Everything was done on purpose because I wanted their attention—attention I never received.

So that’s it. Me in all my damagedglory. The ugly truth. The hurt inside that never goes away. Ifinally figured out how to express it on paper. I hope I’m making sense. It’s not easy to admit the childlike hurt still lingering inside me. But it’s there, a quiet demon residing in my body,as real as he can possibly be.

I wanted a year-long engagementfor a reason. I needed it, even though I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time.

Hindsight always reveals the truth.And it’s screaming at me, reminding me I’m not whole on the inside—and a bad marriage did this to me. It doesn’t matter how much timeI allow myself to heal. It’s not going to happen.

Marriage is not for me. I’m positive now it never will be. The conceptof marriage ruined me in ways I will never recover from. I can’t embrace it. I can’t even look it straight in the eyes.

The moment youleft me last night, the truth hit me. Hard. Like a smack in the face. This revelation has come at the worst possible time. I’m sorry it didn’t come earlier, when it wasn’t a big deal to change our plans.

Keep in mind, you’ve brought me so much happiness and companionship. It’s so hard to let you go.

It comes down to this. I can’t marry you, Marin. I can’t marry anyone. It’snot an institution I believe in or one I can ever support.

I apologizefor taking so miserably long to know my own mind concerning this matter. I’m deeply sorry for what I’ve done to you. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day. If not,I understand. I don’t expect forgiveness.

You owe me nothing. You’re free to pursue a new life.

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