Page 15 of Pause

“Thank you.”

I open the note and it reads:

Thought you might like cotton instead of silk.

Slade

The thought makes me smile. The pajama top is large and might as well be a nightshirt on me. It’s cozy and warm, and it smells like Slade. Whatever aftershave he wears, it’s a good one. I don’t remember noticing how he smelled yesterday. Must’ve been a subconscious memory.

Feeling so much better in real pajamas, I grab my phone and notice I have several missed calls. I forgot I turned my phone on silent after talking to Mom yesterday. I didn’t want to be tempted to answer in case Blu called.

He didn’t.

Jerk.

I give Mom and Dad a call, letting them know where I am. I assure them I’m fine, even though I’m not—and they know it.

I dial Kira next, but it goes to voicemail. I’ll catch her later.

Swishing the drapes open, I’m met with a charming balcony and killer ocean views. I throw the French doors wide, breaking the barrier between me and, what did Slade call it again? Thalassotherapy. Negative ions, take me over.

After grabbing a blanket and Blu’s letter, I curl up on a patio chair. I alternate between staring at the ocean and rereading the life-changing words. I don’t sob, but tears silently drip down my face. I can’t control them—and I hate feeling out of control. Mom always tells me I can’t control life. I’m sure I’ll probably die trying. It’s my worst fault. Or maybe it’s my best quality. Remains to be seen.

Blu always called me a control freak. I assumed he thought it was cute. I have my doubts now. Maybe I was driving him crazy.

When I was sick as a teenager, I would clean my entire room and wash my sheets before I let myself collapse into bed and rest. Otherwise, I couldn’t relax. Trying to control life is ingrained into my personality. Not sure I can change. Not sure I want to.

The phone rings. It’s Kira calling me back. I answer it before the first ring has time to finish.

“Sorry. I was busy being a horrible parent. Morgan wanted to put marbles in her mouth and I said no because I’m so mean. How about you? Holding up?”

I can still hear Morgan fussing in the background. Sounds like Kira’s having asuperfunSunday afternoon. “I’m busy trying to understand Blu. Trade ya.”

“Hard pass. Is his letter in your hands right now?”

I drop it onto my lap. “Noooo.”

“Close by?”

“Maybe.”

“Here’s the thing. Been thinking about it all night. He had a chance to successfully do something his parents couldn’t do. Yet he backed out at the last minute. You guys have been good for two years. Your happy status wouldn’t have changed just because you were official. His dumb letter sounds like a bunch of excuses, excuses, excuses.”

He wanted out. It all comes down to those three words. I’m trying to empathize, but his actions sting. “I understand he endured trauma in his childhood. I feel for him. I wish he would’ve told me the whole story. Maybe we could’ve worked it out. At the very least, we could’ve found him a therapist to work through his complicated emotions.”

Kira scoffs. “He’s a big boy. He should’ve done it himself. I’m more concerned about you. Whatchya doin’? Moping? Feeling sorry for yourself? Having a pity party and no one is invited?”

“About sums up my activities.” It’s a beautiful June day at the beach featuring the elusive Oregon sunshine. The town of Misty Gray is screamingjust kiddingat the world.

“Hey, you’re allowed. Just don’t want you to spiral. Call if you need me, okay?”

“I will.” I have so many people in my corner. The thought comforts me. At the same time, this heartbreak is something I have to face on my own. No one can work through the complicated emotions for me. I couldn’t do it without my support system, though. I wish the catchy music I hear drifting up from below could cheer me up. “I’m Gonna Be.” The song that boasts how far a lover would walk to see his love. Hmmmm. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a love like that? I ache for it.

“Are you playing music?” Kira asks. “Love that song.”

“I do too. It’s from the beach below my balcony. Makes me think about how Blu couldn’t even walk as far as the church to marry me. I thought I knew him so well. He feels like a stranger to me now. There must’ve been red flags. Why didn’t I see them?”

“Don’t beat yourself up. None of us did.” Morgan starts to scream in the background. “Gotta run. Morgan just toppled over and bumped her head. I love you, I adore you, and you’re amazing. Don’t forget it.”

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