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“No worries,” I interrupt. I look him directly in the eyes. “I’ll help you find it.”

And I will. Very soon.

chapter thirty-six

Blu

MARIN IS TYINGthe knot today. Huh. She looks ecstatic, her smile huge. I’m glad she’s happy. I want that for her.

Wish it could’ve been me. I wonder if I’d be happy right now if I’d gone through with it.

Probably. But I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t even hold on to the rebound marriage. Stupid, impulsive decision. The divorce was final a month ago. It was, to put it bluntly, a disaster.

Would’ve been better off giving marriage a try with Marin. At least she was always kind, caring. Never would’ve nagged, complained, and pestered me the way Lisa had. What a nightmare.

Slade. Marin’s new man is named Slade. Such a strange name. Fits him, though. The manly type. He’s a good-looking guy. I see why she fell for him. Hope he’ll be good to her. She deserves the best.

The ocean breeze blows through the beach ceremony, messing up everyone’s perfectly styled hair. Oh well, we’ll all be a little disheveled. No big deal.

When I heard Marin was getting married, I couldn’t stay away. Had to see it for myself. Part of me wanted to know if she was happy. The other part of me was just plain curious.

Some of my family members saw her at my sideshow of a wedding, hiding out in the back. I’ve wondered why she was there ever since. Did she hope to sway my decision? Stop the wedding? Beg to have another chance? Tell me off? Slap me across the face?

I’ll never know. She didn’t approach me or try to talk to me. Didn’t even know she’d been there. Truth be told, I’ve missed her since I made the decision to opt out of our wedding. She was good for me. Sometimes I wonder if I made a huge mistake. More than likely, she was my one and only chance at happiness.

Doesn’t matter. Marriage is definitely not for me. I know that without a doubt now.

Slade is now kissing Marin while the guests clap for them amid whoops and hollers. Dang, that’s some kiss. They’ve got chemistry.

I’m not surprised by the spark of jealousy I feel. I mean, she was going to be my wife, after all. My feelings for her never went away. Just my desire to enter the institution of marriage.

Until I was feeling sorry for myself on a lonely beach in Cancun. Perfect opportunity to make dumb decisions. And boy, did I.

An onslaught of bubbles blows over the crowd as Marin and Slade face everyone. An excerpt of “I Knew You Were Waiting for Me” by Aretha Franklin and George Michael blasts from a loudspeaker. Marin and Slade retreat down the aisle, happy and carefree, holding hands while holding their other arms up in the air in a celebratory pose that includes lots of fist pumps. They make a stunning couple. Going to have beautiful children and all that.

Could’ve been me, if only I’d gone through with it.

The bubbles are freaking annoying. Why bubbles? And the song…sort of puts me in my place. Not intentionally, of course, yet it does and I know it.

As the music fades, some guy with an Italian accent gets up and asks the guests to please join Marin and Slade for a reception in their honor in the event hall at the Seaside Inn.

There’s a large crowd of guests. Odds are, no one will notice me. I should leave, but I’m like a nosy onlooker at a car accident. Don’t want to look away, even though I know I should.

What the heck, I’m going.

I follow along with the crowd of guests making the short walk to the reception. I can blend in, hide out with the horde. Marin’s distracted; I doubt she’ll notice me. Nor do I want her to see me. Just want to be a fly on the wall.

The thing is, guilt is eating me alive. I did a rotten thing to Marin, backing out of our wedding at the last minute.

If I can witness how happy she is, maybe I can let go of my shame. That’s why I’m really here. Hate that I feel like a creepy stalker. Wasn’t expecting to feel so dirty. Spying on an ex makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. I wonder how Marin felt sneaking into my wedding. It doesn’t make me happy to think she might’ve been devastated by my actions after I’d just explained all my reasons for not choosing marriage. Had to hurt. A double whammy.

Once in the event hall, I grab a seat in the back corner, far from Marin’s line of sight at a table up front. I also don’t want Kira to notice me. She’ll give me an earful, as she always does. The hall is dotted with circular dining tables. There’s a designated space for dancing as well. The decorations done in silver and white are nothing short of elegant. After my casual beach ceremony, this is over the top.

Then I notice Marin’s mom directing guests to their tables. That explains the decorations. Pretty sure this is her doing. Don’t know about Slade, but this isn’t Marin’s style.

Surprised Marin gave up control of her wedding reception to her mom. Very unlike her.

I sink down in my chair. Too many people besides Marin could notice me. Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea. I’m probably public enemy number one.

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