Page 6 of Pause

I can see him as a college professor during the day. On the East Coast at one of the Ivy League schools, sharing his political views with young minds. By night, he frequents the city’s finest dining establishments. The image is so clear, I can smell the crunchy fall leaves as though he just returned from a brisk walk across campus.

I never expressed my imaginary view of Blu or how comforting I found it. I didn’t want to offend him. After all, my wandering thoughts had more to do with how they made me feel than reality.

Blu is actually an accountant, buried in other people’s finances all day in a stuffy office with no windows, working under yellow-hued fluorescent lighting. The politics in his life all stem from a love of talk radio. His books are solely nonfiction. He hates turntables, loves Spotify and DoorDash. He thinks Beethoven is a movie about a dog and he’s obsessed with eighties music.

My head is so gathered with wool, it’s a miracle my scalp doesn’t itch. (I’m allergic to wool.) Reality doesn’t hold a candle to daydreaming. I think it’s my worst fault. Real life never measures up. It’s a problem.

My thoughts drift back to our conversation last night.

“I can hardly believe the day’s here. It’s alwaysfelt so far away, like the day would never arrive. Now it’s actually here. It feels so, I don’t know, fast.”Blu kissed me softly while one hand tangled in my blonde hair.

“It can’t comefast enough. I’m ready to do this.”I was so naïve, hearing only what I wanted to hear.

“It does feel hasty, though. Like time caught up with us without our permission. Where’d the time go? Feel like I blinked and time disappeared.”

Blu’s worry didn’t sink in while I was obsessed with running my fingers through his spiky brunette strands. There was nothing imaginary about Blu’s good looks. Kira always called him a “handsome little devil.” I agreed.

The first time I saw Blu, I felt drawn to him. I met him at a dinner party put on by Kira, who happens to be his cousin. Shane Blumefield, known to his friends as Blu, caught my attention right away.

“Wait. Hasty?”It took me long enough to respond. I was so blind.“What do you mean? We’ve been dating for two years. It’s not as if we’re jumping into marriage. I feel like I’ve knownyou forever.”

Blu cupped my cheek, his expression intense.“You’re right. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m happy. Are you?”

“Yes. I’m ready for our life to begin. Our life together.”

“Me and you. Together. This is such a big step. Are you scared?”

His chocolate gaze searched mine, looking for the answer he wanted, I suppose.

“No. My feet are so warm right now.”I was oblivious. Too excited for our wedding to comprehend his not-so-subtle hints.

“Hmmm. I love the state of your feet.”He didn’t smile in spite of a light laugh. “Do you feel ready for tomorrow? Really ready?”

Hitting me on the head with a hammer would’ve been more effective.“I’m more than ready. I’ve been ready for a while now.”I’m not proud of my ignorance.

He exhaled a deep—and now I realize, frustrated—breath.“Tonight has been perfect. Thanks for surprising me with a candlelight dinner. We needed this on the night before our wedding, a little time just for us before the craziness of tomorrow.”

“Craziness? Everything’s ready. It’s going to be calm and perfect, a day we’ll remember forever.”Dear confidence, you have betrayed me.

“Sorry. Guess I’m a little nervous. I know my little control freak has everything organized.”

Blu was probably wondering how he’d fallen for such a dense woman—a woman unable to pick up on obvious clues.

“Everything is planned down to the tiniest detail. Besides, it’s normal to feel nervous the night before your wedding.”I’d chalked his feelings up to nerves. It never once occurred to me to doubt him. I felt secure in our relationship. I believed in us. The idea of him canceling the night before our wedding felt impossible.

He cushioned me close to his chest.“Until tomorrow.”

I whispered back,“Until tomorrow.”

I didn’t suspect a thing, even though every single word leaving his lips was designed to send me a message.

We shared a soft and gentle kiss. Blu’s touch was light and airy, the way it always was. I’d floated to my car, filled with so much happiness, I didn’t even remember the drive home.

Now I rest my head in my hands. I don’t want to think about last night anymore. I was delusional, truly and utterly clueless. If I’d listened to what Blu was saying, I would’ve known he wasn’t going to show at our wedding.

Everything is so obvious now, now that I have twenty-twenty hindsight.

chapter four

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