Page 100 of Pause

“What do you mean?”

“I sat there and watched Blu with his new bride, and you know what happened?” I inwardly cringe at my rhetorical question.

“What?” Slade asks, humoring me.

“I felt…nothing.Nothing at all.Not a spark of jealousy. The green-eyed monster didn’t even bother to say hello. My rage at the unfairness of it all just disappeared. It’s just gone. I don’t even care anymore. All I felt was gratitude it wasn’t me up there marrying the jerk.” It’s not easy to admit my lack of sentiment. I wasted two years of my life with Blu.

“Why was that?” Slade’s tone remains low and detached.

“Because my heart doesn’t belong to Blu anymore.” I blurt it out before I lose my nerve.

“Who does it belong to?” He holds on to his aloof tone, but I notice a hint of interest.

He’s going to make me say it out loud. The thing is, I want to say it. I want to shout it from the rooftops. He deserves to know how I feel. “It belongs to you. You have my heart.” My whisper appears at the most inopportune moments, but some things are sacred and deserve a whisper.

Dead silence meets my ears.

“Slade? I made a huge mistake. I’m so sorry. I was horrible to you, and you didn’t deserve it. Is there any way you can find it in your heart to forgive me? I know you probably want nothing to do with me anymore. I understand. I really do. I just want you to know I’m sorry. I know I did the wrong thing. I hope you can accept my apology.”

He doesn’t answer right away. “Are you still in love with the blue man? In the tiniest recesses of your heart?”

I love the way he calls Blu the blue man. “No, I’m not.” I knew it all along, but being scorned brings all kinds of emotions to the surface, not to be confused with love.

To heck with it. I have nothing to lose. He needs to hear it from my lips. “I’m in love with you, Slade. It’s you. It’s only you.”

chapter thirty-three

“YOU KNOW WHAT, Marin?”

“What?” Oh boy, here it comes. He’s going to saysee ya never.And even then, it would be too soon.

“You are beautifully vulnerable. Strong, but sweet. Sarcastic, but kind. Humble, but confident. Brutally honest, but poised. Silly, but composed. In control, but out of control. You love hard, but you’re loyal. The thing is, you’re messy, Marin. But you know what? I love your mess. All of it. You know why? It’s okay to not be okay. I love the way you embrace yourself.”

Tears well in my eyes and drip down my cheeks. I let them fall and glisten in the sunlight. “Aren’t you angry with me?”

“I was. Truth be told, I was very angry. Then Joss gave me a nasty tongue-lashing. She asked me what I would have done had the situation been reversed. I realized I would have done the same thing you did. When someone treats you unfairly, you have to stand up for yourself. I’m proud of you. You don’t let anyone push you around.”

I love Joss. Of course, she’s not the only one I love.

A little sob escapes, no matter how hard I try to suppress it. “I love you, Slade. I love you so much.”

“And I love you, Marin. Here’s the thing. The blue man will always be a trigger for you. He put you through a lot. I’ve accepted that fact, and I’ll always be there for you when you lose it. Okay?”

“Okay. Thank you. You’re amazing. I’m so lucky to have you in my life.” So much relief courses through me.

“I think you’re the loveliest creature I’ve ever laid my eyes on. Especially as you stand there in the sun looking broken and contrite. Your raw emotions make you the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. Inside and out.”

I can’t control my emotions. I let go and allow myself to feel. “You’re making me cry. Pretty soon it’s going to be an ugly cry, and I’ll be the Bride of Frankenstein again.”

He lets out a small laugh, so small it could barely be called a laugh. But it’s a laugh all the same. “Not even close. Even back then, your beauty couldn’t be concealed. Just like now. Your vulnerability makes your inner beauty shine. Your blonde hair flowing in the wind is mesmerizing. Your skin glowing in the sunlight is hypnotic. My fingers long to wipe away your tears, to erase your sadness. And that dress. That dress is stunning. I love the way it sways around you, as though you’re a dancer in motion. I love how feminine you look with all those muted flowers. You’re a sight, Marin. I’ll never forget how you look right now.”

Wait. What? I turn and look every which way. “How do you…how do you know what dress I’m wearing? How…how could you know that? How could you know any of that?”

“Look to your left, Marin.”

There he is, as though he appeared out of the shadows of the setting sun. He’s dressed in a tux. Oh wow, he cleans up well. I’m used to beach-bum Slade, but this Slade could pass for James Bond any day of the week. I blink my eyes several times, assuming it’s my crazy imagination bringing him to life. But, no. He’s real, and he’s here.

“You’re here?” For me?

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