Page 97 of Heart Thief

“Can you describe your pain?” When I don’t answer right away, she adds, “Take your time.”

I’ve come all this way. I’m here in the doctor’s office. Now is the time to spill my guts. I have to do it.I have to.

“I feel... horrible and... I can’t stop crying and... I don’t know what to do.” There. I said it out loud. It was harder than I thought it would be.

Her lips compress in a straight line. “Understandable. Tell me something, do you have a history with depression?”

“No, I’ve never felt this way before. It’s hard to describe. I feel blank, as though part of me has been erased. I’m stuck in a big black hole and there’s no way out and I’m surrounded by... despair. There’s a weight on my chest and it’s hard to breathe. Happiness feels foreign, like it’s a lie, and everyone around me is just pretending.”

“That’s a pretty good description right there. I’m glad you came in today. The first step is always the hardest, but I want you to know you did the right thing. I can help. There are so many things we can do to get you feeling better. I need to ask you a few more questions first, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Are you feeling suicidal?”

“I want to escape this feeling. But, no. I want to live.”

“Are you still on pain medication for your injury?”

“I stopped taking them last night. Is it true they can contribute to this feeling?”

“It is. How’s your pain? The pain in your hand,” the doctor clarifies.

“Tylenol seems to be working today.”

“Excellent. If you can, stay off the pain pills.”

I nod.

“Besides your injury, have there been any other major changes in your life?”

I mull that over for a few moments, still embarrassed by my constant tears. “Yes. I think I’ve lost someone who was very important to me.”

“A love interest?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. That’s a lot all at once. I believe what you are experiencing is situational depression. It can hit any of us at any time. Major changes in our lives can sometimes be very difficult to handle. So often we’re convinced that life should always be happy, when that’s simply not the case. Hard times come and go. The good news is that it will lift with time. It doesn’t happen overnight and there’s no magical cure. For now, I can give you something to help you cope.”

“I don’t want medication.”

“It will help, and I think it’s necessary right now. Just for thirty days, then we’ll reevaluate. There’s no need for you to be on medication for a long period of time.”

I nod through the blubbery mess I am. She’s right. It will help, and I do need it.

“I also think it would be helpful if you see a therapist.” She glances at my hand. “This is a major change in your life. I think you need to talk it out.”

“Okay. I think that will help.”

“Will you be able to play again?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“I’m very sorry. You were wise to come in and seek help. You did the right thing. There’s no shame in feeling down. We all feel it at one time or another, but it can get out of control. If things don’t improve, I want you to call me right away, all right? Don’t suffer alone. Reach out to loved ones or friends. Tell them you need help. Surround yourself with the people who love you. The worst thing you can do is keep this to yourself or isolate. Call upon family for help. This is a time in your life when people need to be there for you. There will be other times when they need you, but right now it’s your turn.”

“All right. Thank you.”

I thank her ten more times before I escape her office, feeling validated and thankful for an astute doctor who took the time to listen to me.

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