Page 47 of First Impressions of You

“Well, no. Let me rewind. Remember that weekend I spent at his place? It was a little after San Diego.” I nod, encouraging her to keep going. “We… Well, it happened. We had sex.”

Her lips start trembling. My shoulders tense immediately.

“Did he hurt you?”

“What? No.” She shakes her head vehemently. “He was… It was good. Perfect. He was so gentle. I told him I’d never done it before, and he was so patient.” There’s so much love in her words, so much affection.

“I didn’t tell you because I wanted to have that moment just for us. At least for a while. I would’ve told you eventually, of course. But for now, I wanted that to stay between me and Cam.”

“Of course,” I agree. She takes a few more breaths and tries to speak again, but the next words are caught in her throat. I reach for her hand and squeeze it lightly, reminding her I’m here with her.

“That night at The Reel Pub, he told me he loved me. Remember? He was leaving, and he just blurted it out. It kept me awake the whole night. I wanted to say it back, but I wanted to do it in person. I asked him to meet me the next day, but he said he had rehearsals all day long.”

I search my brain for the rehearsal schedule to confirm this, but I can’t remember. These last few weeks have been a blur.

“I didn’t think much of it. Not then, at least. But then he started making excuses every time I asked to see him. And he wasn’t texting me as much anymore. At some point, I realized he was only answering when I texted. He was never the one to text me first. So, I decided not to text him for a day.” She shrugs. “I didn’t… I wasn’t playing a game or whatever. I just wanted to see if I was right. And I was. That was over a week ago, and he hasn’t texted me since. We haven’t talked at all. He told me he loved me, and then he ghosted me. And I don’t know what I did wrong.”

“Nothing,” I assure her. “You did nothing wrong, Julia. It’s not your fault that Cam did this to you. That he isn’t kind enough to give you a proper goodbye. That he isn’t brave enough to end things if he doesn’t want to see you anymore. You are not to blame.”

“I can’t help but think that if I…” She hides her face in her hands. “If I’d been more experienced, then maybe he wouldn’t have…”

“No.” I snatch her hand from her face and hold it firmly between mine. “Don’t do that. You could’ve been a sex goddess, and it still wouldn’t be about it. Cam being an asshole has nothing to do with sex. These guys… they just take whatever they want. They don’t think about who they’re hurting in the process.”

A familiar feeling of guilt starts to creep in. I knew what a bad person Winter was, and I never told Julia about it. Maybe if she’d known what kind of company Cam kept, she would’ve been more cautious.

Maybe Olivia was right, after all. I was too busy trying to be a good actress that I forgot to be a good sister. My heart shatters inside my chest. For Julia and what she’s going through. For Olivia and how badly I’ve been treating her. For myself and my understanding that I just won’t ever be good enough.

If I thought working with Winter was hard, I had no idea how challenging it would be working with the person who’s responsible for hurting my sister. Especially knowing he’s been hiding this from me for a while now.

Winter at least doesn’t hide his game. He wears his assholery with pride. Cameron hides behind the good boy façade. That’s infinitely more dangerous.

If it’d been me who was hurt by him, maybe I wouldn’t be so mad. But he played the person who least deserved it. The person I care most about in this world. Just looking at his face right now is giving me a headache.

I don’t let it show, though. I do my best to go through our scene as if nothing is the matter. If Cameron notices I’m mad at him, he doesn’t say anything. As rehearsal progresses, though, I can’t stop thinking about the pained look in my sister’s eyes as she told me she thought she’d done something wrong.

My determination to hide my feelings and lock them in a place that they can’t come out from during rehearsal fails the moment I see one of the ensemble girls plaster her hand on Winter’s chest as she laughs at something he said during our break.

I have no idea what takes over me. The feeling comes from so deep inside, I can’t stop it if I tried. A mixture of indignance and rage that makes my blood boil. A feeling I rationally know has no reason to exist, and yet I can’t get rid of it.

It doesn’t help that we’re starting a new scene today, and that always makes me more anxious. We’re doing the moment when Melina confronts Arthur after finding out he’s wanted for treason. We haven’t done blocking for this scene yet, so I know we’ll probably stay on it for a while.

This is an emotionally charged scene, and it’s just me and Winter on stage. Melina feels betrayed by the person she loves and thought she could trust, and I’m so immersed in her feeling of anger that I end up getting carried away the first run through the script.

“That was not in the script,” Winter complains after I finish a short, improvised monologue about placing your trust in undeserving hands. He’s clearly pissed that I changed the scene again, but I’m particularly proud of what I came up with on the fly.

“No, but I think it fits with the moment. Melina’s really pissed, right?”

“Yeah, well, she shouldn’t be. She’s wrong about Arthur because she’d rather be angry than stop to listen to him.”

I turn my body fully to him. “He wouldn’t tell her the truth even if she asked, and you know it. He’s been hiding his secret forever, and he’s just mad that she’s having none of it anymore.”

“He doesn’t have any secrets!” He opens his arms and drops them so quickly, the sound of his hands slapping his legs echoes in the empty theater.

“He doesn’t?” I laugh, and the sound reverberates in the space. “He’s wanted for treason against the kingdom and didn’t think to mention that to her.”

“That has nothing to do with her. He wants to help her, and she can’t accept that. She doesn’t know how to let anyone in.”

He’s standing a feet away from me. I don’t know how or when we got so close together, but I can smell his cologne. A fresh, citrusy fragrance with warm spice and wood notes. It’s intoxicating.

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