Page 35 of The High Price Of Loneliness

“Yes?” Angelica said, smiling at Gray’s polite hand raised to speak as though she was the teacher calling on him.

“What did he say at the end that was inappropriate?” Gray asked intently as he moved closer to her, on edge.

“I would rather not say,” she stammered a bit. “I don’t want you to be mad at me or have your feelings hurt anymore.”

“Angelica,” Gray said with intensity allowing no further answer evasion.

“Ok, but don’t shoot the messenger.”

Angelica gulped her mimosa and continued, “After he said Mr. Gray is a very lucky man, he leaned over and put his hand on my back and said, ‘If you ever get tired of dating a guy in a business suit and want a real man—anytime you want—just say the word.’ And that’s when his hand started down my back. I half considered throwing my champagne in his face when you rescued me. Instead, I heard your voice say, ‘Angelica,’ and I was relieved you found me,” she said finally, getting it all out in the open.

Gray was leaning back in his chair, shaking his head in disgust, not at Angelica now, but at the situation and the gall of the ballplayer to speak to Angelica that way. Still, Gray remained silent.

“I have more to say to you later on, Edward, but I would like to pause for a bit and answer any questions you might have for me openly and honestly,” she offered in a kind and sincere voice. “I have nothing to hide from you about last night or anytime.”

Gray thought before speaking, still processing the scene from the night before.

“So, was that your entire conversation with the ballplayer?” Gray asked, looking directly at Angelica to read her eyes and body language, which he was skilled at.

“Yes, sir. That was everything, one hundred percent,” she replied without hesitation, looking directly back into Edward’s blue eyes.

Gray nodded, accepting her reply. “You should know that it looked terrible from the outside as I walked across the lobby at the event last night. You seemed to be gravitating towards the ballplayer. At least that is what the body language looked like to me.”

“But it was so loud there I was just trying to hear what he was saying at first,” Angelica blurted out in defense.

Gray held up his hand to stop her from interrupting and said, “It’s not your turn.” She nodded and leaned back in her chair to listen again.

“As I was saying, it looked different from behind you with you moving closer to the ballplayer. Then as I was still walking to get to you and he touched your long blonde hair, to my eye, you did nothing to resist or pull away.”

Angelica wanted to tell him that that was when the ballplayer said that Mr. Gray was a very lucky man, which she took as a compliment but not weird or inappropriate, but she kept it to herself.

Gray continued, “But by the time I got close enough to the two of you for you to hear my voice, I saw him put his hand on the middle of your backless dress and start to slide his hand down towards your ass. All the while, you did nothing which would likely be interpreted by most men as ‘silence means consent.’ Can you understand how that might look to me?” Gray paused, looking at her with his intensity reaching a peak again.

Angelica paused thoughtfully. “Actually, I cannot imagine how it must have felt for you, but I can imagine how I would have felt if I were you. Just based on what you saw, I would have been hurt. I would have felt betrayed. I would have felt unappreciated for all you have done. I would have felt undone,” she rattled off, thinking about it from his point of view. “But know this, Edward, I would never do anything to betray you, not in my words and certainly not in my actions.” She teared up as the words flowed across her lips. “You have treated me better than anyone ever has.”

Gray further interviewed Angelica. “Now that you understand a bit of what that felt like, if you had to do it over again, what could you have done right then and there to clear the air between us?” he asked, still looking into her eyes for clues.

She thought about it momentarily and said, “I should have done one of two things last night—right when you walked up.” Gray leaned in, listening to her revelation. “I should have said out loud, with him hearing every word of me telling you, as my man and my date for the evening, every single thing that had happened in those two minutes before you walked up. Or, I should have walked to you privately and whispered the same thing in your ear with him still standing before us.”

“And what would that have done for me?” Gray asked her.

“Honestly, it probably would have pissed you off and caused a scene which I would have hated,” she said, thinking aloud as she went. “But at least you would have known the truth,” she replied.

“And what would that have done for us, as a couple?” he asked.

Angelica paused to think. No man had ever asked her questions like these before, but the answers were coming to her now and she added, “It would have made us closer. It would have demonstrated my loyalty to you and alienated the asshole ballplayer.” She realized as she said the words what that could have meant. Her eyes welled up again, and she began sobbing uncontrollably. Edward reached over to place his hand on her shoulder. Angelica said through her sobbing, “You don’t understand, Edward, what my life was like growing up.” She said short bursts of words between gulps of air and sobs. “When I was little, my mom would get a belt if anyone broke a glass or left something out of the refrigerator on the counter where it would spoil. And she would ask my two sisters and me, ‘Who did this?’ And if it was your fault, you were the one that got beaten.” Angelica was still fighting to get her words out in short bursts between sobs that arose whenever she thought of her childhood abuse with the belt. Her body shook a bit as she tried and gulped to inhale.

“So last night, when you called my name,” Angelica managed, “and I turned around and saw how angry you were, I froze inside. I felt scared of you and didn’t want you to think it was my fault.” She sighed finally.

“I can see that now. I think prior trauma can do that to anyone, Angelica. Everyone links up or anchors certain things as their triggers. Then, when something happens, our brain just takes over, and we tend to react like when the trauma happened in the first place, especially if it was when you were little,” Edward spoke with empathy and greater acceptance now.

“But Angelica, if I have you in my life that means being with me in public and private. In that case, I need to know that if someone ever approaches you, touches you, or even just says inappropriate things to you, that you will, at the very least, immediately communicate everything that is happening to me to protect you. The role and responsibility of a real man is that of a protector. But I cannot be that man in your life if you do not trust me and to trust our bond so completely that you know to bring me the facts unfiltered. If you are silent and hope it just goes away on its own, that’s where real problems begin,” Gray lectured her in a friendly, fair, but firm voice. “Do you understand, Angelica?”

“Yes, sir,” she replied, looking down at her hands submissively. She felt relieved to hear his words. She loved it when Edward said, “If I am going to have you in my life. If you are going to be with me…” Joy was filling her heart again but still with angst. “What should I do exactly?” she asked, seeking more of his guidance. His ownership of her and her world was what she sincerely wanted from Edward and to feel safe in his world again.

“First of all, if you are mine, and any man lays a hand on you or speaks to you inappropriately, he will have to deal with me. And if you are mine, then I will burn the world down to keep you safe,” Gray said, jaw clenched, looking into her eyes with fierce intensity. When he was in his fierce mode, he was scary and intimidating, to be sure. “But if it looks like you are the initiator and flirting with another man, the problem now is between you and me. And that’s what I thought I saw last night.”

“It is not as simple as a discussion here over brunch,” Gray added. To overcome years of trauma and conditioning, the anchors and triggers embedded in you from childhood will require some deep work to reprogram how you think and feel in any situation. I can teach you, but you will have to give yourself over to me on a much deeper level than just sexually, Angelica.” Edward proposed, “I’m talking about total mind, body, and soul commitment.”

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