Page 79 of Poisoned Vows

I can hear the conviction in her voice, and it makes me want to believe it, too, just a little. I think of him on the balcony, the worry in his face and voice when he’d thought I might have been considering jumping, the gentle way he’d touched me, the way he’d turned down my offer of a night where I’d gratify his every wish. I’d meant it—and I think he knew I meant it. But he’d said no.

He said he wanted it to bereal.

Could it ever be?A small part of me, a part that doesn’t feel strong enough yet to be certain, thinks that he really might regret the things he’s done. That he might truly want to earn my forgiveness. But even so—

Could I ever possibly give it to him?

“I’m tired,” Marika says softly. “I’m sorry. I think I want to try to sleep—”

“No, that’s fine.” I get up, moving to the cot on the other side of the small cell. “Get some rest. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow.”

“Neither do I,” she whispers, her voice faintly broken, and then she rolls onto her side, facing away from me.

I lie there awake for a long time, thinking about what she said, about Nikolai, about his reaction to everything I told him. About his insistence that he wanted me to forgive him, if I could. About how it felt, seeing him like that, bound to a chair and tortured.

Could I have feelings for him?

I don’t know if now is the time to figure it out. But I might not have any other chance.

He might not be as bad of a man as I imagined. Not a good man, not by any stretch of the imagination, but not the cruel brute I’d painted him in my head. Marika’s explanation of him had been of a man who is a product of the world around him, but trying his best to be decent, in spite of that. I’m not sure I buy it entirely. But I can see where she’s coming from.

I saw glimpses of someone who I could like. Perhaps even love, if I had more of it. More of that part of Nikolai, more time, moreeverything.

If there’s no way out of this marriage, could there be a way to be happy in it?

I close my eyes, feeling tears leak out of the corners at the thought of what my father did. It’s all worse than I could have imagined. And now, at the end of it, it’s too late for me to change anything—as if I ever really could have.

I wouldn’t have thought I could sleep on the uncomfortable cot, in a cold cell, with only one thin blanket and pillow. But I’m exhausted, and sleep creeps over me eventually, pulling me gracelessly under into chaotic dreams.

I dream of Nikolai, pinning me down in the snow by the tree stand, both of us naked but somehow not freezing, his hard, hot, muscled body pressing against mine as I feel the unrelenting slide of his cock inside of me, his voice groaning my name in my ear.

Lilliana, god, you feel so good, Lilliana, take me, little rabbit, take me, fuck, fuck—

A stream of consciousness, words sputtered out in the strange way they so often are in dreams, and the feeling of my body tightening, liquefying, coming apart around him. The snow melting, draining away in rivers of blood, and then Nikolai is gone, and it’s only me, lying in wet mud, and all around me is my own blood, my hands and feet caught in animal traps.

My father is looming over me, malicious lust on his face, face twisted in a sneer.Little rabbit, little rabbit,he mocks.What a stupid nickname. But you’re trapped anyway, aren’t you? And the big bad wolf—

I jolt awake, gasping, crying, my stomach twisted with a sick nausea that sends me half-stumbling, half-crawling to the toilet in the corner to throw up everything in me. It stinks, and that only makes it worse, making me heave until there’s nothing but bile for me to spit out.

The dream—

I liked it, in the first part. When Nikolai was there. In the dream, I wasn’t fighting to get away. I wasn’t twisting my mouth away from his or telling him to go fuck himself, or trying to pretend I didn’t want to come. I was arching underneath him, hips angling for more of his cock inside of me, nails clawing at his shoulders as I chased the pleasure that built with every stroke, every jolt of him deep inside of me. I wanted him. I wanted what he did to me. Until it faded away, and then—

A rabbit, caught in a trap.

The trap was never Nikolai’s. It was my father’s. Nikolai married me to save me from himself. To find a way to have me without violating me, in his own twisted way of thinking. And not just that—but to keep me away from his father. From being sent back to mine. He’s no white knight, no prince Charming, but he tried to rescue me in his own way.

But my father is the one who wants me trapped and at his mercy. And now he has exactly that.

He’s going to try to use me to break Nikolai.

And knowing what I do now—I’m very worried that he might succeed.

Lilliana

First thing in the morning, I’m woken up by the sound of keys in the door. “You,” the guard snaps, pointing at me. “You’re staying here,” he adds, glancing at Marika. “Better hope he doesn’t give me permission to come back in and tell you good morning.”

She winces, flinching back, but she says nothing.

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