Page 40 of Don't Puck Him

“Yeah, well, you’re a dumbass for missing that pass.”

“You called me what?”

And that’s all it takes. I’m in a fist fight with Jeff. The pair of us get split lips and bruised cheeks. For what? Because I can’t control my emotions? Because I can’t control my urges for Wren? Because I can’t control Wren?

In the second round of punches, I realize I’m acting insane. It’s obvious I can’t jockey practice with these guys and thoughts of Wren. I push Jeff out of my way, hit the boards hard, and stomp into the locker room. Before Cash can gather up my gear and give it back, I’m out the front door and burning rubber out of the lot.

I take to the freeway, not because I need to drive it to go home. I need to go fast. To burn some rubber and burn some steam.

“What the hell am I doing?” I holler at the windshield, banging the steering wheel with my fist. “Yelling at your teammates. For what? You’re losing control. That’s the last thing you should be doing. Your life is all about control. Get a grip, man. Get a goddamned grip!”

As I pull into my driveway and hit the front door, I know I have no grip on anything anymore. Not my studies, not hockey. Hell, I don’t even care about partying anymore. My thoughts, my reason for living, it’s all for Wren.

I throw my bag against the foyer wall, kick off my shoes, and dive onto the couch. I grab the remote and click to the Sportsnet channel. The anchor is covering something about NASCAR. I’m gazing but I’m not hearing. My inner voice is too loud, chastising me, nagging me.

How the hell am I supposed to handle all this? I had a life before Wren. But that life, it’s like it never existed. I’m losing my shit. How can I be me and still worry about Wren?

I lie on the couch, In my ruminations, I fear this new life with Wren is wrecking us both. The rewards are out of this world when I’m with her. But at what cost? Will we both lose our minds the more we bond as one?

I can’t stop my urge to possess her. And the more I do, the more I want to. If I satisfied my emotional urges, I would rule Wren every waking minute of the day. Do nothing, think of nothing but Wren.

I’d instruct her beyond all expectations. Master my power over her. Yet, deep down inside, I know if I release all stop gaps and allow the obsession to go unchecked, she and I will dive so deeply into one another we may never come back up for air.

Oh, the thought…

I close my eyes. I smile. I imagine us joining a serious-minded group, giving our lives up completely for the lifestyle cause. I picture the two of us touring around. Me showing her off at conventions. No more doubt or fear or shame. Wren is in her rightful place under my thumb. A life of only ebullient pride.

There could never be a higher pursuit. A greater pleasure. Wren surrenders to my will, and I play her like a well-tuned violin.

I wish I could show Wren what I see for our future. Every day would be bliss. I know in my heart there can be no greater achievement than a life with her, protecting her. Not an academic career. Not sports. Not socializing with those who don’t understand. She and I would walk into the future, clear-eyed and satiated in every way. Mind, body and soul.

I open my eyes. Sadly, doubt still reigns.

“Yes, but how do I convince Wren of this? I’d give up everything if she would see my way and completely surrender to it. How do I make her see what I see?”

I throw my arms over my head and inhale deeply.

The ability to see the edge of heaven but staying unable to cross over is the most frustrating experience of my life. Until Wren, I merely played around with the notion. That’s all it was. Just a silly fantasy. After Wren, I see my future so clearly. I am certain of it.How on Earth can I stop now?

The battle in my head exhausts me. I close my eyes once more and dream of her. I toss and turn. I call out in my sleep. It’s a disquieting rest.

And for now, I cannot hope for more.

21

WREN

There is something of a flow to university and campus life, and I feel like I have found it. Well, sort of.

I feel I have found it as much as an outsider not born into exorbitant wealth and going to a high class university can. I go to my classes, I learn as much as I can while dabbling in an education my mother thrust upon me, then return back to my dorm to eat, bathe, study, sleep. Sometimes I go to parties to get myself more socially informed, and sometimes, I spend my time naked and experimenting with a dark, alluring man.

Okay, maybe it’s not entirely the norm. I know that university is as much about the sex as it is about the studying. Maybe even more so. It has captivated me in a way that is on the edge of consuming. I just can’t allow my studies to waver. Even if this stranger is making me feel like a fucking demon and a goddess, all rolled into one.

His touch lingers on my skin like an acid burn when I rise up to get a few chapters in before my bio class. I skim through most of the pages, knowing that a midterm is on the horizon, but that I won’t have to get too concerned about that yet. Hunter, of course, isn’t far from my mind, his lips as hot as embers.

I groan aloud at my own musings, then check the time on my phone. Twenty minutes before class. I have enough time to pick up a coffee and sprint over to the science building.

My roommates have already left for their classes, so I walk rather spiritedly through the main living space with an untoasted bagel in my mouth, my textbooks and notepad gripped in my hands. When I whip the door open, a sheet of paper floats to the ground.

---