Page 93 of Lion & Lamb

GARD: Come on, you’re not that young! I’m sure you’ve seen Ben E. Franco. Legendary seashore comic. For a while there, he had a couple of men’s clothing shops down on South Street. Maybe that was before your time.

FELDMAN: The old prick did have the best commercials! Remember the one where the models in bikinis came out and whipped him because he was selling his suits for too low a price?

LAMB: Sounds like my kind of guy. How can I get hold of Benny?

FELDMAN: No, it’s notBenny. It’sBen E.E., like a middle initial.

LAMB: How can I get hold of Ben E.?

GARD: I don’t know. Can you walk straight?

LAMB: If it makes you gentlemen feel better, I’ll call a cab before heading over to him.

GARD: No, no. That’s not why I’m asking.

LAMB: Then what does it matter if I can walk straight or not?

GARD: Because he’s sitting right across the room.

Chapter99

Transcript of conversation between Cooper Lamb and Ben E. Franco, semiretired Atlantic City entertainer

COOPER LAMB: Mr. Franco?

BEN E. FRANCO: If Mr. Franco owes you money, he said he’ll be right back after he visits the cash machine.

LAMB: Ha-ha, nothing like that, Mr. Franco.

FRANCO: So formal! Call me Ben E. As long as we’re so close, why don’t you pull up a chair and buy me another mimosa.

LAMB: You got it. (To waiter) Excuse me, could you bring Mr. Franco another?

FRANCO: So what can I do for you, young man? You want an autograph for your sweetheart? Because, you know, she can have the real thing for next to nothing. Hell, at my age, I might even payher.

LAMB: Heh. Your friends Rich and Loren over there said you had some good Archie Hughes stories.

FRANCO: Rich and who? Oh, thealte kakerover there with the lady’s first name? Ah, they ain’t my friends. They’re hangers-on. Rich made a lot of money gouging people one billable hour at a time. I should know. He was my entertainment lawyer for years! And as for Loren Bacall, Christ on a cracker. The man can’t handle his liquor. One time he was hauled in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” Loren says, “Okay, let’s get started.”

LAMB: Ha-ha-ha, that’s good, Ben E. But I’d really love to hear about Archie.

FRANCO: God rest his soul.

LAMB: You two were close, I gather.

FRANCO: You gather? What are you, a migrant field worker? No, we weren’t close. That big bastard owed me a lot of money.

LAMB: Archie owed you money?

FRANCO: Are you kidding? Archie Hughes owedeverybodymoney.

LAMB: How much money are we talking? Loren said it was something like half a million.

FRANCO: Ha! Don’t listen to that souse, he has no idea what he’s talking about. Archie owed a lot more than that. (Whispering) I’m talkingmillions.

LAMB: Come on.

FRANCO: Kid, you know I’m a kidder, but I ain’t kidding about this. I’ve been around this town for way too many years and never saw anyone throw money away like Archie Hughes. He did it here, and I heard he owes millions out in that desert town too.

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