Page 47 of Pucking Wild

Jake sucks in a sharp breath. “Wait, oh my god, are you serious right now?” He looks to Rachel, all the anger blown from his sails. “Babe, is he serious?”

“He’s always serious,” Rachel replies, her anger receding, too, as she glances between them.

“It’s my factory setting,” Ilmari adds, slowly crossing his arms again.

“No way. Don’t fucking do that,” says Jake. “Don’t make a joke now. Mars, are you serious? Can I call you my husband? I might cry in front of these guys if you say yes,” he adds, gesturing with a wave at me and Ryan.

We share an awkward glance. Maybe Ryan and I should just go wait this out in the sauna.

“Call me whatever you want,” Ilmari says at last.

“I mean, Cay’s my husband,” Jake says. “Like, myhusbandhusband. Like, we’re legally married.”

“I know,” says Mars. “I was there.”

“But you could be my husband too,” Jake says gently. “In a purely friends way,” he adds.

“I said call me whatever you want,” Ilmari repeats with a shrug.

Jake gazes at him for a minute. Finally, he breaks away with a shrug of his own. “Nope. Not happening. I’m not calling you my husband until you beg me for it. We’ll find another word to use as a placeholder.”

Ilmari’s scarred brow lifts slightly. “A placeholder?”

“Yep,” Jake replies. “‘Cause the daywillcome when you’ll beg me for it. Could be tomorrow, could be ten years from now. I’m patient. I’ll wait.”

“Is that a threat or a bet?” Ilmari replies, smirking.

“Ooookay,” says Rachel, holding up both hands between them. “Let’s continue this at home, yeah? We gotta deal with this,” she adds, gesturing to me and Ryan. “I mean, I hate to do this, but Ryan, Tesswasgiven a key first so…”

“It’s no problem. I’ll go,” says Ryan from the couch. “I’ll call Perry or Dave-O and have them come pick me up.”

“You’re not rooming with Davidson for the next four weeks,” Jake counters. “We shack you up with him, you’ll kill him inside of two days. The guy may be a sieve, but he’s our sieve. We need him.”

“For now,” Mars adds.

“Perry, then,” says Ryan. It’s his voice that hooks something deep in me. He sounds so tired, so physically and emotionally drained.

“It’s fine,” I hear myself say, my hand clutching to the front of my blanket dress.

They all glance over at me, even the dog who stands dutifully at Rachel’s side.

“Seriously?” says Jake.

“Tess, it’s not a big deal,” says Rachel. “There are plenty of other places he can stay. We’re just trying to find him someplace with minimal stairs while he’s on the crutches.”

“I told you, I’m fine,” says Ryan.

“And I toldyouto shut up,” Jake counters. “This is happening. Deal.”

“He can stay here,” I say.

“Tess…” Rachel says in warning, shaking her head.

“What, there’s two bedrooms, right?” I say with a shrug. “And he’s already here. And he’s tired,” I add, glancing down at him. His exhaustion is written in every line of his face. My poor sunshine puppy from the beach is now looking like a stray left out in a box in the rain. “As long as he doesn’t expect to get fucked six ways to Sunday,” I add.

He groans, looking away. I’m glad he’s embarrassed. It means the sweet puppy is still in there. He was just momentarily possessed by a junkyard dog.

“Won’t be a problem,” he mutters.

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