Page 80 of The Problem with Perfect

I didn’t come to the decision lightly, the idea of calling things off with Bellamy, but after my chat with Boyd on Thursday, I’ve been thinking about little else. It was the only thing on my mind all weekend. I thought about Bellamy in almost every moment, from the interactions I had at the grocery store with Maryanne, who made sure to remind meagainthat we should come in together so we can get more reusable tote bags, to my time alone on Saturday when I took the long hike up to Kilroy and camped overnight.

I ran it over and over in my mind, and the ultimate truth I decided on is that fake breaking up with Bellamy is the best thing I can do for her.

It occurred to me as I lay in a sleeping bag, staring up at the stars and wondering if Bellamy was on her dock doing the same, that the longer we’re together, the longer she’ll go without a real relationship, and that’s what she deserves—someone to really love her.

Regardless of how I feel, I don’t know if I’m even capable of something like that, not because Ican’tlove, but because I’m not sure I want to.

You can only lose so much before you start to realize the smartest thing to do is protect yourself from losing anything else.

So this is where I’m at now, ready to push Bellamy away to save her.

And myself.

When she shows up at two in the morning, I’m still awake and sitting in the living room, trying to watch sports highlights but seeing none of it.

“You’re ending things, aren’t you?”

It’s the same thing she said to me earlier today at the construction site, but when she said it before, her tone was light and airy, like she was surprised, like she couldn’t believe what I was preparing to do.

Now, it’s low and pained, like the truth of what’s about to happen has finally hit her.

I can’t say I don’t feel the same.

“Yes.”

“Why? Because of Boyd?”

I scratch at my beard, trying to seem as indifferent as I can manage.

“Because it’s time.”

She shakes her head. “But what if I don’t want it to be time?”

“It’s not your choice.”

Bellamy watches me, her eyes growing glassy.

“As simple as that? I get no say?”

“I think I should break up with you in public,” I tell her, ignoring her question. “That way, everyone knows, and it can be blamed on me.”

“What?” Her voice is incredulous.

“I was thinking you could claim I cheated, you know?” It’s the best plan I could come up with, the only one that would protect Bellamy entirely. “It’ll be easy to believe I couldn’t stay committed.”

Bellamy shakes her head again. “No. We’re not breaking up inpublic. That’s ridiculous.” Her tears spill over, and my stomach turns. “Can you just be honest with me? Please?”

I wait…wait for her to ask whatever she wants to know.

“Just tell me the real reason.”

I could tell her.

I could tell her it’s because her brother made me see I’m not what’s best for her in the long run.

I could tell her it’s because I’m falling for her, and I don’t want to be.

I could even tell her it’s because she deserves someone better.

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