Page 45 of The Problem with Perfect

It’s all getting so jumbled in my head. The way I feel about Connor, the way I feel about Rusty, the way I feel about myself…

Clearly, I really need to figure it all out.

And I need to do it before I make any other horrible choices.

* * *

When I pull up to the construction site and park next to Rusty’s Blazer, I worry he’s going to be pissed when he sees me. There are about a dozen or so workers scattered around doing various construction-y things, and I wonder if maybe I should try to talk to him about this later, when he’s not focused on work.

But then I spot him, rounding a corner and walking with Nick Waltham, both of them in hard hats, and I smile, thinking how cute he looks wearing that ever-present flannel and dark jeans with a neon piece of plastic on his head. I want us to stay friends, and the sooner I apologize and move him away from his irritation at me, the better.

I step out of my car, and when I close the door, the sound of it draws Rusty’s attention, his head turning to look in my direction. He’s too far away for me to see the minute facial expressions that always give away how he really feels, but I can imagine his lips are dipping down into a frown.

I wave a hand but stay where I am. He’s seen me; he knows I’m here and that my only reason to be here is to see him, so he’ll come over when he’s free.

My eyes scan the construction site, taking in the location for Cedar Cider’s new brewery and the old barn that has been given new life. It’s a perfect location, up on a little hill and visible from Main Street, only a five-minute walk from all the shops that bring in so many tourists throughout the year.

Rusty’s worried about how this place will do, but I have a feeling he’s going to be blown away by the success on the horizon. I heard Boyd telling my dad about it when he was home for Christmas. “I never call anything a sure bet,” he said as they sat at the dining room table playing cards while I stirred my soup. “But this? This is as close to a sure bet as I can imagine.”

I doubt Boyd said anything like that to Rusty. He tends to be a little tight-lipped about his opinions on most things, unless he’s talking to our dad or his girlfriend, Ruby. I wish Rusty could understand how much people really do believe in him and the decisions he makes. He might not be perfect, but he’s a sure bet, and I wish he could see that, too.

It’s about ten minutes before he breaks free from whatever he’s doing and heads my way. Even though I’m a little nervous about apologizing, I can’t help but scan him from head to toe, taking in his broad shoulders and long legs and the beard that tickles my skin when he kisses me.

I look away, clearing my throat. That’s not why I’m here.

“Hey,” I say as he makes his final approach, my voice soft.

“What’s up?” He says it without really looking at me, and I get the feeling that what he would have liked to say instead wasWhat do you want?

“I just wanted to come apologize. For last night.”

He shakes his head. Takes a deep breath and lets it out, his eyes scanning the ground.

“You were right,” I tell him. “Iamdealing with regret…among other things, but I shouldn’t have assumed you would be okay with what I did. And I’m sorry.”

“Alright.”

I blink. “Alright?”

Rusty nods. “I’m not one to hold a grudge, Bellamy. You apologized. That’s enough.”

I scratch at my cheek, his reaction unexpected. “Okay, well…thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Just promise me you’re not going to try something like that again. Your brother is important to me, and I told him this shit with us was just to piss off this Connor kid. Don’t make me a liar.”

I nod. “I promise.”

I don’t tell him we’re already liars.

“Family dinner still on for tomorrow?”

Rusty crosses his arms. “It is. You still coming?”

“I am.”

“I’ll pick you up at five-thirty.”

We stand there for a beat or two, and I can’t help but feel like, even though he let me apologize, even though he said he doesn’t hold grudges, something is different. His words are stiff and short, and I get the feeling he’s ready for me to leave the construction site. Whatever wall had come down between me and Rusty has been put back up, with fortification.

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