Page 134 of Vicious Chaos

As she and Noah started digging into her list to find any skeletons, Luca started doing damage control in our circles, Ryder and Kade took some of the reins of Rachel’s operations so she could get her rest and grieve, and I reached out to old contacts. Started hearing the gossip no one is supposed to know about the elite of the elite in our society.

I talked to people under the guise of needing to talk business since I’m still a partner in every business that has been handed down to me. It’s been vital to keeping track of everything that happens in my hometown. Keeps me at the top of a game I have no interest in actually playing.

It’s how we finally narrowed it down to this event. The biggest charity foundation on this coast for the next few months. Even my presence won’t be doubted as the outrageously expensive tickets are to raise donations for a cancer foundation.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Kade asks as he leans against my door frame while I pack my bag on my bed. We all agreed it would be easier to just stay in the hotel where the gala is being held since it’s such a far drive for us.

I roll my neck as I debate on how to answer. Despite the fact that Kade and I have both put our less than favorable start behind us, we aren’t exactly close either. We are opposites in just about every way except for the shared love of our girl.

“Shouldn’t Noah be the one checking on me?” I decide to go with light, not wanting to unleash the long repressed feelings I have towards my past life. “He’s supposed to be the nice one after all.”

“Ha ha,” Kade fake laughs as he straightens from my door frame and walks more fully into my room. He watches me, being more silent than I knew he was capable of. I guess I have seen this side of him, but normally only ever with Scarlett herself.

“Everyone is focused on Scar and Rachel right now,” he remarks, not meeting my eyes. I wonder if it was awkward for him to come in here and try to strike up this conversation with me. “It makes sense. They’re in a vulnerable position, and as much as Scar doesn’t want to admit it, going to this event terrifies her. It’s everything she ran from.”

I bunch the shirt in my hands, clenching my fists over the reminder of what my girl went through. Kade plops down on my bed, picking up the Rubik’s cube I have laying there. He tosses it back and forth in his hands like a ball. He falls back, sprawling himself over my pillows, one arm behind his head and starts throwing the cube up.

“It’s not a surprise we’re all on edge about this. We got the worst type of reminder that even psychos are only human. That even monsters can bleed. And now we’re sending our girl back into her worst nightmare.” He falls silent and I freeze, the only sound filling the room is the soft thud of every catch. “The thing is,” he starts again after a moment, “I get the feeling I could say the same thing about you.”

I sigh as I toss the shirt on the bed and sit down at the foot of the bed. I run my fingers through my hair, trying to figure out how to even react to his words. I don’t like the turmoil of emotions that are brewing in my chest.

“It’s not that it’s my worst nightmare,” I answer honestly. “That would be losing Scarlett.”

Kade tenses on the bed. “Fair,” he agrees. It takes him another second before he’s relaxing again. “But you always call the rest of us out on our deflection, so I guess now it’s my turn to do the same to you.”

I purse my lips as I scrutinize him. I guess he’s more observant than I originally gave him credit for. “I never liked the lifestyle I grew up in. It was all a beautiful facade to hide that ugliest parts of humanity. It was exhausting to live in and pretend like I didn’t know what was happening around me. What I was powerless to stop. I grew to hate the world, the people, the tune everyone seemed to dance to.”

He nods along with my words like it’s completely reasonable to hate everything about the way I grew up when I had so much privilege. “And now you have to face all the people you hate and dance to the same tune in order to get what we need.”

I nod, surprised at how he hit the nail on the head. It isn’t even that I’m upset about having to do it, or I’m scared. I just resent the life I came from and that I have to face it once more. Be a part of what drove me to lose Madeline.

“This life,” I shake my head. I can’t believe I’m about to tell this story again. After so long of never speaking her name, it seems strange to share her story not once, but twice. But ever since I first shared it with Scarlett, Madeline’s face has flashed in my head all the more often. Her memory drifts through my thoughts as I see things that I know she would have liked.

It doesn’t have the same stabbing pain that once accompanied the thought of her. There’s a gentle fondness that follows her ghost every time I think about her. I spent too long trying to forget about her. My friend deserved more from me than becoming another skeleton in my closet.

“Those people, they stole something precious from me,” I explain to Kade. I never would have expected for him to be a person that I would open up to. Noah? Sure. Luca? Maybe if we were drunk. Even Ryder seems like a more likely candidate than Kade. But now that I’m sitting here, the way he reacts to each word out of my mouth. The subtle shifts in his body language that gives away not only how much he’s paying attention, but also how he’s intentionally reading what I need and providing that for me to feel more comfortable.

I can finally see why Scarlett has always said Kade is a good listener, can see the way he supported her on his own, even for as juvenile he can often be. He brings a good balance to the rest of the crazy. I don’t feel the need to give him as much as I told Scarlett, but it does feel easier to let the words I held onto so tightly for so long slip past my lips. “She was my best friend, my fiancé, and they drove her to suicide because they couldn’t stand that she didn’t fit into their mold.”

He stays quiet but his focus stays completely on me as he watches me grapple with a way to put it all into words. “I love that I’m able to help Scarlett. Do something for her that no one else can.” He nods along. As well as we all fit together, it’s only natural we all want to be able to provide something unique to only us. “But I hate having to face these people again. To bring her into the proximity of just how disgusting this world truly is. To risk her being tarnished by the same people that have already stolen so much from both of us.”

A weight releases from my shoulders as I finally put a name to the convoluted mess of emotions writhing in my chest. It’s disdain and fear and a hatred for everything that lurks in the shadows of these events. Why would I want to bring my light back into the darkness? Why wouldn’t it feel wrong?

Scarlett was visibly struggling when we first met, but as I coached her through her emotions it made me realize just how much of my own I had buried. Everything I have done for her, she has done for me tenfold, because I never even knew how badly I needed to be saved from myself.

“She was alone,” Kade says gruffly, not meeting my eyes. He starts tossing the cube back up in the air. “When she was a part of that world, she didn’t have anyone that understood her. That loved her. That protected her.”

Throw. Catch. Throw. Catch. Throw. Catch. Throw.

My eyes follow the toy each time it flies through the air, going just a bit higher with each toss. Hitting his hand just a bit harder as the force increases with his throw.

“So were you.”

Catch.

He puts the toy back on the bedside table and meets my eyes, holding them for a full second before he continues. “You’re not anymore.”

The power of those three words rocks me to my core. In a way I hadn’t expected. It’s something I knew. I was only just thinking about how the family we’ve built has changed all of us. Has bonded all of us together as unit that loves and hurts together.

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