Page 109 of Vicious Chaos

He finally succeeded.

This is going to fucking leave its mark on me.

I don’t know how to put into words why or how this is hurting me.

Declan approaches me slowly, almost as if I’m a wounded animal he doesn’t want to spook. It pisses me off. Everything is pissing me off.

“You’re hurting and you want to make someone else feel as bad as you do,” he says slowly, each word measured out carefully. “You feel like you have to do something because you gave yourself a break last night and the guilt is eating away at you.”

My chest rises and falls in desperate attempts to draw breath into my suddenly tight airways. My lungs feel heavy inside my body as if they’re filling with water instead of oxygen with each shaky inhale I force myself to take.

My vision starts to blur at the edges, black starting to swim in my eyes as my body sways. I feel Declan’s hands wrap around my forearms, catching me from falling. I can almost make out the breathing exercises he’s attempting to walk me through but it’s like listening to him when my heads under water.

I close my eyes and focus only on the tenor of his voice, the feel of his hands against my skin. I stop trying to make out the words and fall back into the memories of all the other panic attacks he’s walked me through, slowly finding my way back to myself.

I gasp as my eyes fly open. Deep, gulping breaths fill my lungs with much needed air as I cough and choke at the sudden rush.

Declan pries the bag out of my hands, passing it to Luca who throws it back into the closet. My neck cricks in irritation and my hands bunch into fists at my side. Just because I’m breathing again, doesn’t mean I’m okay.

Images flood my mind.

The images that I woke up to this morning.

The disaster I should have stopped but never saw coming.

Stephen and Mary Lambert never worked for me. They weren’t really allies at all. Mary was sweeter than pie and as innocent as they come. And Stephen was a good man. A just man. He never took my bribes, never crossed the line into the shadows. He may have turned a blind eye, but he never went too far. He stayed clean.

He never should have been on Romano’s radar. He had nothing to gain from their deaths. It doesn’t put a dent in our operations in the slightest.

Being friendly with the St Graves Fire Chief was convenient, but it was never him that was cleaning up after us. He was innocent. I knew them more from the club than business. Maybe that’s why this one cuts all the deeper.

They should have been there with us last night, watching me dance one last time before we closed the doors. Instead, they laid helpless in their beds as Romano’s men slit their throats and left a message for me.

One to ensure I knew his only purpose was to hurt me.

“She’s not even listening to you.” Ryder’s voice breaks through the haze of my mind as his hand grips mine, pulling me away from the others. They start to protest but he just flips them off.

If I wasn’t in such a state, I would be impressed with my lost boy. He’s come a long way since we first met. To now be standing up to the others, especially when it comes to me.

“Yeah yeah,” he dismisses them with a wave. “Emotions blah blah, that’s all good and well,” he snarks. “But that isn’t what she needs right now. Her system is flooded, and she needs a release.” His hand tightens around mine again as he pulls me along, briefly stopping to scoop up the first bag Luca tore out of my arms.

He heads straight for the front door and I stumble after him, stupefied by the change in his normal demeanor. He’s always the laid back easy going one. Just happy to be along for the ride. Never feeling the need to lead. Not when it’s the six of us.

“Noah,” he calls as he points to him.

“Got you covered,” Noah responds just before Ry pulls the door open and ushers me to the first car we reach.

“Come on, Bosslady,” he encourages me. “Let’s go get some blood on your hands to feed your demons so you can breathe easily again. So you can find your center.”

He does get it.

He did understand.

“Ryder,”she whispersas she looks over at me with doe eyes. There’s such a vulnerable look on her face, the first one I’ve ever seen on her that hasn’t shined with security and fear. No, this time it’s clarity that radiates from her wide green eyes.

She seems more like herself in this small moment than she did only moments ago. It was like I was watching her drift away right in front of my eyes. They were trying to anchor her, to calm her, to bring her peace. They couldn’t see that wasn’t what she needed. She needed to let loose.

She needed to get lost in her storm. To let go of the control she has to have on such a tight leash at all times. To cause destruction and feel blood on her hands. To get a small slice of retribution for the atrocity that Romano orchestrated last night. To not have a plan and a team.

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