Page 45 of Her Vow to Be His Desert Queen

‘Kings have to make difficult decisions,’ he heard himself say, the urge to explain himself too strong to ignore. ‘They have to do terrible things in order to protect people. They need to be strong and certain, and they cannot second-guess themselves. I made the decision I had to make and I took action. So no, it does not haunt me.’

There was a strange sheen in Sidonie’s eyes. ‘Then why are you so tense? You’re holding my wrist so tightly.’

Another icy wave washed over him. He forced his fingers to open, to let her go, even though every part of him felt as if he was desperate for the touch of her skin.

You are hurting her. You are always hurting her.

He took a step back from her, putting some distance between them, forcing away the strange desperation and trying to master himself. His heart was too loud in his head, and he couldn’t bear the look in her eyes.

You should not have married her. She undermines everything you were taught.

No, that wasn’t true. Marrying her had been the right decision. It was all those old feelings she brought back that was the issue. The feelings he thought he’d cut away years ago and somehow hadn’t.

It wasn’t her fault. It was his. It was his father’s poisonous blood in his veins, the greed and selfishness threatening to overtake him. He had to be stronger than it, he had to be.

The pressure was back in his chest, as if that lump of stone was getting heavier and heavier, an aching weight that felt as if it would crush the air from his lungs.

It was doubt, that weight. Doubt that he had made the right decision in marrying her. Doubt that he’d done the right thing in even bringing her here.

You will never make her happy. Never.

She hadn’t wanted to be here, yet he’d forced her. He’d essentially kidnapped her then seduced her into staying and marrying him. And he’d told himself over and over again that it was for his country, just as he’d told himself over and over again that Yusuf’s death had been for his country, too. That he’d had to die. Just as Dusk had to die.

But that wasn’t true, was it? Those were lies he’d told himself. Because if he’d truly thought that Yusuf had had to die, he wouldn’t still have these doubts. The same doubts that had consumed him after Dusk’s death, that perhaps it hadn’t been a mercy after all. Perhaps it had been his own suffering he’d wanted to ease, not his dog’s.

Perhaps all of it had been for himself.

You are just the same as Amir.

Sidonie’s lovely face was full of concern, though she didn’t come any closer. ‘What is it, Khal?’ she asked softly. ‘You look upset. Please, let me help you.’

‘I am not upset,’ he forced out, his voice sounding as if it was coming from far away. ‘But I understand if you cannot now go through with this wedding night.’

‘Why would I not want to go through with it?’

‘You don’t care that I killed a man?’ He didn’t understand why she was looking at him as if it didn’t matter and he didn’t understand why it even mattered to him. ‘You don’t see me any differently?’

‘No. You didn’t do it for no reason, Khal. You were defending yourself. And you did what you thought was the right thing for your country and your people.’ Slowly she walked towards him, closing the distance between them. ‘And you didn’t want to do it, did you?’

He felt rooted to the spot, unable to move as she came closer, and then she was there, raising her hands and placing her palms on his bare chest, her skin warm against his. Making the stone around his heart crack, letting all that poisonous doubt seep out. ‘No,’ he heard himself say hoarsely. ‘I did not. But there should be no reason to doubt. It was the right thing to do. The only decision to make.’

‘You were very young, Khal. And you took a life you didn’t want to take. Anyone would be affected by that. Anyone would be haunted.’

He looked down into her eyes. ‘That was not the only life I took.’

Shock flickered in her eyes. ‘What?’

Another decision he’d had to make. Another decision he couldn’t doubt and yet...there seemed to be nothing but doubt in him now.

‘My mother’s job was to bring me up strong in order to be a good king. But she was always afraid that my father’s blood ran too hot in me. She believed that strength lay in being hard, and cold, and certain. That emotion clouded thinking, made a man weak. I had a dog and he got very sick, and there was nothing that could be done to save him. So, my mother decided he would be a good lesson for me. She gave me a knife and told me that if I wanted to be a strong king, to be responsible for others, I had to learn how to make difficult decisions. And that I could not ask another to do what I was too afraid to do myself.’

A horrified expression had crossed Sidonie’s face, the sheen back in her eyes. Tears. They were tears. ‘Oh, Khal... Did she make you put him down yourself?’

She knows the truth of you now. You did not have to make that decision and yet you did. You have horrified her.

The weight in his heart, the doubt, became even heavier, crushing the life out of him.

‘Yes,’ he said hoarsely, unable to stop himself. ‘Dusk was sick. It was a mercy.’

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