Page 17 of The Storm Boys Series Collection

“I can see that,” I said, unable to speak above a whisper. I wanted to touch him, to hold his hand. But he needed to say this, and frankly, I needed to hear it. “Take your time.”

He nodded. “I thought if I came here and saw that you were happy, that maybe you had a new boyfriend, that it’d be the closure I needed. Because I’ve been stuck. I can’t move on. Not from you or from what we had. From what I threw away. I’ve been so lost. I didn’t know what else to do.” He put his hand to his heart. “But then I came here, and I saw you. And you looked at me and you smiled.”

Another tear fell down his face. He wiped it away.

“Maybe it’d be easier if you hated me,” he said, crying now. “I could understand that. I could deal with that.” Then he shrugged. “I would deserve that.”

“No you wouldn’t,” I murmured. “Derek, what happened between us was not your fault. We both threw it away.”

“I shouldn’t have said what I did.”

“And I shouldn’t have either,” I countered. “We were young and hurting. Our lives were changing, and we didn’t know how to deal with that. I don’t hate you. I could never hate you.”

His gaze cut to mine. “You don’t?”

I shook my head. “Never.” I took a deep breath, now it was my turn to talk. “I wanted to start my own company. I saved money, I studied business. I had plans. You knew that. We talked about it all the time.”

He nodded.

“It didn’t have to mean the end of us. It just meant things would change, and that scared the shit outta you.”

He nodded, another tear falling.

“I’m trying to be better. I want to be better.”

“It’s not a terrible flaw,” I said quietly. “I knew you. I knew you were freaking out and all those horrible things you said were just barbs you put up to protect yourself.”

His face crumpled and he began to cry. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry too, Derek. But it’s not all your fault. I could have tried harder too. I could have told you to pull your head out of your arse. I could have dragged you out here. You would have bitched and complained, but you would have done it. And it would have been hard. And we would have struggled in the early days. It wasn’t easy. Hell, it’s still not. But we would have done it.”

He looked at me, confused. Which was probably fair, because I didn’t even know what I was saying.

“We both could have tried harder,” I said. “And I’m sorry we didn’t.”

He nodded then. “Me too.”

We were quiet for a moment, letting the dust of our pasts settle around us.

He spoke first. “I haven’t dated anyone else. I haven’t even looked. I just couldn’t. I never got over you. In my mind, you were this perfect time of my life that nothing will ever compare to.” He managed a sad smile. “Kinda like looking at a galaxy that died a million years ago, but we can still see it because the light hasn’t reached us yet. In hindsight, it’s spectacular and brilliant. But in reality, in real-time”—his chin wobbled again—“it’s no longer there.”

God, his words... he’d always had a poetic way with words.

I ached to touch him, and against my better judgement, I went and sat beside him and took his hand. It was warm and strong, familiar yet new. “We can’t change what happened. The words we said, the heartache. What’s done is done. But I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad we can talk about what happened. For both our sakes. For us to both move on.”

“I don’t want to move on,” he whispered, his hold on my hand tightening. “I want to go back.”

“But we can’t. We’re not those two guys anymore.”

He shook his head, eyes welling with more tears. “What are you saying?”

“Derek, we’re not those two young kids anymore. We worked nights behind a bar and dreamed during the day. We were so in love. We were reckless with it. We had something so wonderful, but we didn’t understand just what we had. And that’s exactly what young love is. What a first love is.”

“My only love,” he mumbled.

His words hurt me. The look of sadness on his face hurt me.

“Mine too. I’ve never loved anyone else. Not before, not since.” I held his hands in both of mine. “I wish I knew the answers. I wish I knew how to fix this. But I don’t know what you want, and I don’t know what I can offer. But Derek, we can’t go back. We can’t go back to how we used to be, because it would just all end the same.”

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