Page 34 of Bad Decisions

“Goodnight, Benji,” I softly laughed. His teeth sparkled in the dark night.

“We can go to my place next time,” he said, and my lip slid between my teeth.

That's what I wanted, right? A hook up. A fling. Something casual. Andsomething casualwould involve getting laid, hopefully on a more than regular basis. And to do that, I had to go to his place because there was no way I could comfortably sleep with him when Eli was in his bedroom down the hall from me.

“Yeah. We’ll see.” Benji flashed me another grin before stepping off the porch.

“I’ll text you tomorrow,” he said as he walked backward toward his car. My lip stayed between my teeth as I smiled at him, nodding slightly.

My body felt warm, like it was vibrating. It was ridiculous to have this reaction to him after I’d been so positive I was going to hate our time together.

“Bye,” I waved. He stared at me for another heartbeat before sliding into his car. I watched as he pulled away from the curb and headed down the street, the low rumble of his engine the only sound in the quiet, sleepy neighborhood.

My hand wrapped around the doorknob as I clutched the strap of my purse tighter. I took a deep breath, my smile gone completely.

Quiet.

I needed to be quiet so I wouldn’t wake Eli.

The door creaked as I opened it and stepped into the dark house, making sure to keep my movements slow and steady and silent. It clicked shut behind me and I rested my weight on it, breathing through the growing anxiety swirling in my chest.

Despite myself, I had a good time tonight. But now that the date was over and I was alone again, reality came crashing down around me. Benji was fun. He was kind.

But he wasn’t Eli.

I hated myself for even thinking that, for comparing them. It was weird. It was wrong. I needed to stop. But it felt like the more I told myself to not think about Eli, the more I focused on him. On the way he moved, the way he smelled, his smile, his hair, his eyes. Everything.

All the little things I’d never noticed about him were suddenly noticeable. Like the way one of his front teeth was just a hair larger than the other, or the way his pinky on his right hand was slightly curved. All of his imperfections humanized him in a way I’d never thought of before.

He’d always felt so out of reach, so unobtainable. But these little things made him feel like…

Like he was finally within my grasp, all I had to do was reach out and take him.

But I couldn’t.

I couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t say I’d always had a crush on Eli. When Meredith had first brought him around, I’d had one on him. But every younger sister falls for their sister’s boyfriend in that first crush, older guy kind of way. But I didn’t think he’d ever noticed me when Meredith was still alive.

And why would he?

Their perfect life mocked me. The way they seemed to effortlessly fit together. It was no wonder he was so broken now. She was his soulmate. They’d always been the blueprint for the relationship I wanted. It felt like he always doted on her hand and foot, and Meredith, even though she didn’t have a maternal bone in her body, seemed to thrive as Emma’s mother.

I sighed as I ran my hand through my hair. What was I doing here? Trying to take her place? Trying to fill some void in myself, some part of my heart that wanted a family so badly I was willing to play pretend with my brother-in-law and niece?

Maybe I needed therapy—no, Idefinitelyneeded therapy. Or maybe I just needed Lily to knock some sense into me. Even if she’d probably tease me and playfully encourage me to seduce and fuck Eli, she’d have my back in the end and know how terrible of an idea it would be.

The lamp beside the couch suddenly flicked on, and I jolted, pressing my back harder against the front door.

“You’re home late.” Eli glared at me, his hair disheveled and t-shirt wrinkled, like he’d been sitting in that exact spot for a long, long time. “I expected you back hours ago.”

“Sorry.” I winced. He was up waiting for me? I glanced at the wall clock. It was way too late for him to be awake on a work night. He was going to be exhausted.

Only now had I realized the thick scent of whiskey in the air, the sweet flowers I’d bought at the grocery store yesterday mingling with it. Eli’s eyes were glassy and bloodshot in the dim light, the intoxication in them clear.

“You think you can go out with him while you live here?” he asked, his words slurring together. How much had he had to drink? “Did you really think I’d be fine with you going out with some guy? Did you at least use protection?”

The words were a harsh slap across my face. The accusation that I’d slept with Benji stung. I’d expect my mother to spew words like that to me, not Eli.

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