Page 45 of It Should Have Been You

She nods, the most beautiful smile warming my heart. “Sure.” She’s quickly distracted by the tube still in my hand. “That’s a nice color. You should wear it.”

I gulp back the nerves as I set the red lipstick back on the vanity with trembling hands. One lipstick and I become a nervous mess. I thought today could be the day I wear it again. I’m facing demons and proving to the world that I can do everything on my own.

I’ll just have to do it without red lipstick.

I offer my hand, and she takes it. “How about some ice-cream before I leave?”

Downstairs, Kim is leaning over the kitchen sink, her phone to her ear. “Okay, babe. See you in a couple of days… Love you too… Okay, I’ll tell them… Love you… Bye.” Her eyes rake over every inch of me. “Holy shit, you look hot. Sorry about the language, Hannah.”

Hannah shrugs like it’s nothing. I try to keep my language to a minimum, but sometimes my thoughts don’t stay in my head.

“It’s okay. She’s right, Mom. You look awesome.”

Uncomfortable, I wipe imaginary wrinkles from the satin material. I can’t remember the last time I wore a dress like this.

“Thank you,” I murmur.

Hannah releases my hand to open the freezer and grab her favorite chocolate ice-cream.

It’s chocolate brownie.

Me and Kim share a knowing look.

She helps Hannah while I slip my feet into heels that are too high and expertly ignore the boxes waiting to be packed in the living room.

“You really do look beautiful. I need to get the name of that concealer. I almost can’t see the bags under your eyes,” Kim teases.

I glare at her.

“I’m joking. Don’t want you to think I’m going soft.”

“Believe me, I could never think that.” I kiss the top of Hannah’s head. “Have a good night with Kim.”

“You too, Mom. And try to relax,” she suggests, sounding older than her years.

“Good advice.”

She takes her bowl of ice-cream and disappears into the living room.

“Why the long face?” Kim asks.

“I feel guilty.” A lump forms in my throat, but I swallow it. If I cry, I won’t stop. And Kim wasn’t wrong. This concealer is amazing. I can’t ruin it. “I’ve never left them at night before.”

I trust two people with my children, Kim and Claire. On the rare occasion I need to leave them, it’s for two hours tops.

“Exactly. This is the first time ever. How often do you get away longer than to use the toilet?”

I think about it and shrug. “They like to chat with me when I’m on the toilet.”

“You can’t even piss in peace? You need this night more than I thought. Everyone needs their own space.”

“They’re my kids,” I fight back.

“And they’ll still be your kids in the morning.” Kim grabs my long black coat from the rack and holds it up for me to slip my arms inside. “After the day you’ve had, you need a drink or five. It’s a charity art exhibition, not a week in Barbados.”

I smile. “Now that would be nice.”

Grinning—probably because she’s a step closer to getting me out of the house—she kisses my cheek. “It’s only for a couple of hours. You wanted to do this. And you said yourself you need to start stepping out on your own.” She tucks her fingers under my chin and tips my head back. “And do it with this held high.”

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