Page 48 of There I Find Peace

Neither one of those two things seemed like great things to lead off with either.

She startled, glancing up, her sunglasses firmly on her nose, a floppy-brimmed hat shading her face.

“Um. hi,” she said, and she sounded a little breathless. Maybe that was just because he surprised her, but he hoped it was because...he had a little bit of an effect on her. The way she had on him.

“Is it okay if I sit down?”

He almost started to sit, but he waited for her nod before he settled down beside her. Not too close. He liked her, was interested in her, felt drawn to her, but he didn’t want to push her.

“I wanted to apologize.”

No point beating around the bush. If she was working on something and she didn’t want to be interrupted, he at least wanted to get the apology out.

“You don’t need to.”

“I do. I asked you to go horseback riding with me, and then I allowed someone else to push in on it without checking with you. I shouldn’t have.”

“No. That’s totally wrong.” She closed her notebook, shoved her pen through the spiral binding, hooking it with the clasp, and set it aside before she turned to face him. “I was thinking about that, and I was afraid that you were going to feel guilty.”

“I do. I should. I... It was you and me making a choice to do something, and she pushed in on what you and I had already planned. If someone else was going to be involved, I should have come to you. We should have talked about it. I should have made sure you were on board and okay.”

“No. That’s what I was saying. I mean, if it were a date or if we were doing a job or working together on a project or something, yeah. You definitely should have talked to me. Before we involved someone else in it, we should both agree. That’s just courtesy, of course. But that was just a casual, friends doing something together, didn’t have any type of meaning attached to it at all. In fact, after you told Eva she could go, I realized that I shouldn’t have said yes to begin with. Because it gave the wrong idea.”

“What wrong idea?” He was really just a little bit confused. She seemed to be saying that they were friends, and then he wasn’t sure what she meant.

“Well, I don’t want you to think that I’m open to the idea of you and me doing things together, alone. I mean, I definitely would like to take a horseback ride on the beach, but I probably should rent the horses myself and do it on my own. It shouldn’t be something that you and I do alone together. That gives the total wrong impression.”

“What wrong impression?” he asked, even though he suspected that he knew the answer.

“I wouldn’t want people to think that we’re together. That there’s something going on. To see us and think that there’s more. I... I came out here because I need to get my head on straight. I need to figure out my life. Not get entangled with someone else.”

“You say entangled like it’s a bad thing.”

“It is,” she said emphatically.

“But if you’re looking for a new start, why can’t that new start include entanglements?” he said, wanting to use finger quotes around the word “entanglements,” because he didn’t really think that he wanted to be considered an entanglement. After all, he looked at her as someone who made him better, not as someone who dragged him down, which is what the word entanglement implied.

“My new start needs to be me, my girls, us together taking care of ourselves. It can’t involve distractions.”

He didn’t appreciate being considered a distraction either.

It seemed like everyone in his life wanted to try to distance themselves from him. Nora and now Jubilee.

The first woman who had caught his eye in a really long time, and she just considered him an entanglement and a distraction. He didn’t even have words to try to convince her that he was anything else. And he wasn’t sure he should. Except, he wanted to be more. He wanted to be part of her new start.

“I guess I was going to offer that if you wanted to go for a ride on the beach, I was still open to the idea. We could...meet at sunset and go.” He wasn’t even sure why he was saying that. She’d been pretty clear what she had wanted to do. Or not wanted to do.

Maybe she felt like she had too, because her lips pulled back. And she looked out toward the lake, admiring and at the same time keeping an eye on her girls.

“Well, how about we do this: you usually take evening rides anyway. If I want to go, I’ll show up. How would that be?” She gave him a small smile, but it didn’t reach the whole way to her eyes. It felt a little forced. Like she was just saying that to him because she didn’t want to outright refuse him.

He thought that she’d been as interested in him as he had been in her. Maybe she’d been more offended than he thought because he allowed Eva to come between them. Or maybe, she really had decided that she wanted to go in a different direction and she was trying to cut him out as gently as she could. Either way, he thought she still probably had feelings for him.

“All right. If you want to come, you’ll show up.” He had an idea of something he could do to force her hand, but he didn’t mention it. Instead, he looked out toward the lake where the girls laughed and played. “I wanted to thank you for taking Nora out to the beach with your girls every day. Clara’s been telling me that’s what you’ve done, and I appreciate it.”

“I appreciate you letting her go. She plays well with my girls, and they’re thrilled to have a friend. I only wish she could stay for the school year so they’d have someone to start their new school with.”

“Yeah, you and me both. It’s always hard to let her go at the end of the summer.”

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