Page 58 of Prometheus Burning

“We sleep. Just not usually the same way. But sleep’s still a thing,” he said. “Being here with you though… it’s like… my soul is still clinging on to the physical life I had. I slept like I would’ve before.”

“Like you’re reverting back to your physical body?” I asked, spinning around so that I faced him. He looked bashful, gazing down and smiling sheepishly.

“I wish I was reverting back. That’s the thing… there’s no reverting back. My physical body is gone.” I heard the sadness in his voice. Could feel the regret wash over him as he spoke. He added, “When you kill yourself… well… no one who kills themselves ends up being glad they did so.”

Jamie’s brows drew together in agony. He shook his head, and his expression returned to a blank slate like he was erasing an etch-a-sketch. “Anyway. Resting. Sleeping. Relaxing. Even without a physical body, your soul needs to unwind from time to time.”

“Where do you go when you sleep?” I asked. “Do you dream?”

“You usually… go home.”

“Oh.” Whatever home meant.

“It means something different to everyone.” He glanced around at the bedroom as if for the first time. Probably noticing the lack of furniture and, well, lack of anything, really. He smirked. “It seems very homely in here, Jems.”

I winced at the use of his old nickname for me, and his smirk dropped.

“I mean, Jemma,” he said, correcting himself.

“Jems is fine,” I whispered.

It was then that we both seemed to become more aware of our closeness to one another, our arms still clinging together like we belonged. He coughed, and I shifted. Though neither one of us broke apart. I didn’t know what this meant, but for the moment I no longer had the energy to question. Like the stress inside my mind had suddenly become too great, and I could really feel the drain all over my body. Especially inside my brain, clouding every thought.

“Yeah, it’s homely alright,” I said, sarcastically.

“Dave got all the furniture,” Jamie said.

“That he did.”

“And… can I ask why you haven’t replaced any of it yet?”

I shrugged. I opened my mouth, instinctually ready to give him some bullshit answer… bullshit like having pride in an empty place. Or something like,I don’t need stuff, anyway. Fuck stuff.

But neither of that would’ve been the truth.

Instead, I took my time before answering him right away. Searching for answers—truthful answers—the things I didn’t usually let myself think about. Sometimes the truth hurt too much to handle, so I’d spent a lifetime burying my feelings. Instead, focusing my energy into the fictional worlds of my young characters.

I took a deep breath, clearing my mind as best I could. Knowing my pull to be honest with Jamie had everything to do with this new bond we shared after me seeing him alone in the snow.

I inhaled a second time, allowing my head to reset.

“I’m scared of moving forward,” I finally said, exposing myself to him completely. “I miss my old life. Iattachedto my old life. I do that. I attach to how things are, and then I can’t let go. And… I’m scared that getting new stuff will cover up what I used to have. Until I no longer remember ever having it at all.”

He leaned the side of his head against mine, his thumb idly caressing mine.

“The fear of letting go. In a world where things always change, and there’s nothing constant to hold on to. How do we find our own reason for being in an environment that never stays the same?” Jamie said the words generically, sounding like his old self for a moment. I tightened. Until he continued, “You have meaning, Jemma. It doesn’t matter what changes here. The new memories can be just as meaningful, if not more meaningful, than the old memories. That’s the beauty of change. Things can always be brighter.”

His thumb ran along the back of my hand now, and I sank into the warmth surrounding me.

“Yeah, I guess so,” I whispered.

“You were always the ray of light in my life,” he said. “If I’d seen that, no change would have ever affected me as badly as it did. Because that ray you brought me? It was constant.” As he finished, I noticed the aura around his body glow brighter than before, heat spreading from him and washing over my body. I opened my mouth to respond, but his words rendered me speechless.

I took a deep breath, finally finding my voice. “Yeah… I guess I just… don’t have that ray of light anymore. You know, the one you mentioned that keeps you going… even when the rest of your world changes so majorly you don’t even recognize your life anymore.”

“You’re going to find that light again,” he said. “You’re going to find your ray. Just stay here with me. Stay… until you find it. Then, I can leave. Let you get back to your life.”

Then… he could leave. There were the words I’d been waiting to hear. That Jamie planned on leaving. He just had to fix me first.

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