Page 74 of The Bad Girl List

TREVOR

The next morning, I rise even earlier than usual. My mood is dark and bleak.

I feel like I’ve returned to the person I was before I met Dom a few days ago. There’s something oddly comforting about it.

I leave my phone off and untouched in the nightstand, get into the truck with Tequila, and throw myself into work.

I spend the day harvesting the cover crops growing between the rows of grapevines. We plant things like mustard to treat the soil with valuable nutrients. Once they’ve flowered, I cut them down and put them into barrels of water to let them ferment for a few weeks. The result is a nutrient-rich spray that I’ll apply to the vineyards later in the season.

I skip breakfast and lunch and work straight through the day. The sun is setting when I finally admit that I’m exhausted and starving. With any luck, I’ll be tired enough to fall asleep as soon as I eat.

Exhaustion was a preferred coping mechanism in the first year after Elle died. It’s the only way I know how to cope with the confusion I feel every time I think of Dominique.

On my way back home, I catch sight of the two-bedroom bungalow where Gramps lives. He and my grandma moved there about ten years ago. Anytime Mom and Dad suggest that Gramps move back into the main house, he refuses.

In the evening sun, I spot him sitting on the veranda that overlooks the vineyards. Gramps and Grandma used to drink wine and watch the sunset together every night.

Not knowing why, I turn the steering wheel and head toward Gramps. He waves in greeting when I pull the truck to a stop and get out. I leave Tequila in the cab.

“Evening, Trev,” he says. “What brings you here?”

I’m not sure why I’m here, so I say, “Thought I’d have a glass of wine with you.”

“Of course.” He smiles at me, studying my face. “Have a seat and I’ll get another glass.”

He retrieves a second glass and fills it with our Zinfandel. I take several gulps without even tasting it, then stare out at the setting sun without speaking. I finish the glass and refill it.

I’m thankful Gramps doesn’t try to make small talk. He’s good about giving me space when I’m in a bad mood. I finish the second glass of wine.

Gramps hands me an open second bottle. I hadn’t even noticed when he went inside to get it. It’s a bottle of Pinot Noir this time.

I’m nearly finished with the third glass when I finally figure out what I want to ask him. “Gramps, are you really going to get a Tinder account?”

Gramps chuckles. “From what Thomas tells me, I’m not sure an old man like me has the stamina for a site like Tinder.” The wrinkles around his eyes deepen with amusement. “But there is a dating app for old farts like me. Thomas put it on my phone.”

“You have a profile?” I ask.

“Not yet. But I’m thinking about setting one up. Your grandmother has been gone for five years. I miss having someone to watch the sunsets with.” He sighs. “I miss having someone to eat breakfast with and to watch TV with.”

“It doesn't make you feel bad?” I ask. “Trying to replace Grandma, I mean.”

“Who says I’m replacing your grandmother?” Gramps frowns at me.

“I only meant–”

“I know what you meant, Trev. You’re looking at it all wrong. When Tequila dies and you get another dog–don’t look at me that way, you know she won’t live forever–when you get another dog, will it mean you’re replacing Tequila?”

I know the answer, of course. “No.”

“No, of course not,” Gramps says. “It won’t mean you love Tequila any less. Despite what the media would have us think, the human heart has a tremendous capacity for love. When Tequila eventually passes on and you get a new dog, it just means you still have space in your heart to love.”

I nod. Everything he says makes sense. I understand it on a rational level, but trying to sort out my feelings about Dom and Elle doesn’t feel rational. It feels like touching a live wire.

“You like that young lady you brought to dinner last night,” Gramps says.

I nod and take another drink.

“How you feel about Dominique doesn’t change what you and Elle had,” Gramps says. “If I post a profile on the dating site, it doesn’t take away what I shared with your grandmother.”

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