Page 71 of The Bad Girl List

It starts as a feeling of uneasiness. An old memory surfaces, one so old I’m surprised it’s still rattling around in the recesses of my brain.

It’s from a time in kindergarten when I’d been caught stealing a bag of potato chips from someone’s lunch bag. When I’d been caught, I remember the look in the girl’s eyes when the teacher made me apologize and return the chips. I’d felt so small and ashamed.

It’s an uncomfortable juxtaposition to think about the feel of Dom’s nipple in my mouth next to that moment with my five-year-old self. I try to focus on Dom, but the uneasiness continues to grow.

An image of Elle fills my mind. I see her bright eyes and wide smile. She’s so dazzling that my heart lurches. My breath catches, but not in a good way.

I slam to a stop under my carport and throw the truck into park right before the trembling starts in my hands. I know what’s happening to me. I’d gone through a period of panic attacks for a few months after Elle died.

I thought I had left this behind me, but as I struggle to get my breathing under control, I feel her loss as strongly as I felt it in the beginning. It’s jagged and raw and feels like someone is tearing my heart out of my chest.

I rest my forehead on the cracked leather of the steering wheel and grip it with both hands as the tremors take me.

I force myself to breathe deeply through my nose as I count backwards from ten. By the time I get to two, the shaking has subsided. By the time I get to one, I feel exhausted and drained, but at least I can breathe again.

I get out of the truck and walk slowly toward the back slider door. My stomach is heavy, that feeling of shame weighing on me.

My phone dings with a text message. I pull it out of my pocket before I can think better of it.

It’s a message from Dom. I had fun tonight.

I stare at the message. She’s the first person I’ve met since losing Elle that makes me feel alive again. I should write her back.

I want to write her back.

I want to ask her if I can pick her up at her VRBO and bring her back to my place so we can finish what we’ve started twice already.

I want to ask her if I can be her number ten.

But I can’t shake the sick feeling in my stomach. It feels like I’m cheating on Elle. Logically, I know it’s impossible for me to cheat on Elle. She’s gone. But I still see her vibrant smile in my mind’s eye. The memory morphs into self-loathing and I can’t shake it.

I can’t even chalk the events of tonight up to alcohol, like I had at Zeke’s. I was completely sober, and if Annika hadn’t texted, I probably would have fucked Dom right there in the vineyard. God knows I wanted to.

Tequila barks in greeting when I enter the house. She wags her tail and hops around me in a happy circle when I let her out of her crate.

Not even the sight of my beloved dog is enough to lift my spirits. My body feels heavy, like I haven’t slept in days.

Slumping onto the side of my bed, I pull out my cell phone and stare at Dom’s text message. My fingers hoover over the buttons, trying to figure out what to say to her.

Then I abruptly turn off my phone. I drop it into the top drawer of the nightstand, leaving Dom’s message unanswered.

CHAPTER 21

Ghosted

DOMINIQUE

“Did he text back yet?” Annika asks, pulling her pajama top over her head. “I’ll cover for you if you want to sneak out with him.”

I shake my head. “He didn’t write back yet.” My skin still hums from its contact with Trevor. The feel of his body and his touch have left me wanting more. More than anything, I want him to be my number ten.

“I told you he liked you,” Annika says triumphantly. I told her everything as soon as we got into the safety of our bedroom. “You should have shagged him in the vineyards. That would have been hot.”

It would have been hot. “You sent those text messages and I got paranoid.”

Annika makes an annoyed sound in the back of her throat. “If I’d known what you guys were up to, I wouldn’t have bothered you.”

I glance at my phone again, but still no message from Trevor. I shouldn’t feel disappointed. It hasn’t been that long since I sent the message. He could be helping his family clean up the event center.

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