Page 58 of Smolder (Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter 29)

Nathaniel raised my hand in both of his and looked longingly into my eyes. “I love you, but we don’t have time for you to figure this out and be all stubborn and cute and awkward.”

I fought not to frown at him. “I love you, too, and I know we don’t have time to ease me through my usual issues.”

“Then can I help smooth this over and get us going?”

I nodded.

He flashed me one of those smiles that lit his face up with joy. It made me smile back just to see it. “You were so incredibly hot onstage tonight.”

My smile turned into a frown.

He shook my hand as if to get my attention. “You know I lovedwatching you with Jean-Claude and Graham tonight, and in front of an audience—I found it incredibly hot.”

I closed my eyes and took deep breaths because I wanted to be angry at him. Why? Because anger was my go-to emotion. It was what I felt when I was embarrassed, uncomfortable, scared, frightened, in love when I didn’t like the way it was going, or just about any damn thing I was feeling that didn’t make me utterly and completely happy with the emotion and myself for feeling it. Months of therapy to figure just that out, not why I did it, or what traumas it was attached to; just that anger was my shield for everything. It’s a great weapon when you need it, but it’s a lousy one when what you need is something closer to compassion, or patience, or lust.

“It’s okay,” Graham said, “without Jean-Claude to make you want me, I know I’m not your type.” He couldn’t keep the disappointment out of his voice, but he gave me an out. I appreciated that and he couldn’t have done anything better to help me let go of the anger.

Graham pulled his hand out of mine, and I felt Jean-Claude’s energy falter. I swayed and grabbed for Graham like he was a lifeline. The moment we touched I felt Jean-Claude’s power expand again. I licked my lips and then realized I couldn’t taste my lipstick. Until that moment I hadn’t even thought what all the kissing might have done to it, and I still didn’t care.

“This should not be happening; if it was Richard here then touching him might make that much difference because he’s the other third of Jean-Claude’s triumvirate, but his energy shouldn’t react to all wolves like this,” I said.

“It doesn’t matter why it’s happening,” Nathaniel said, “it only matters that we give Jean-Claude enough energy to free all those people.”

“It does matter why it’s happening,” I said, “but we don’t need to know why tonight. We need to fix the emergency first.”

“Am I allowed to make a suggestion?” Graham asked.

“Sure,” I said.

“Can’t Anita just release theardeurand feed on me?”

“I could.”

“She could,” Nathaniel said.

“Then why don’t we do that?”

Nathaniel looked at me. “I don’t know. Anita, why don’t we just do that?”

I didn’t have a good answer, except it was someone new and I didn’t want to add any more lovers to my list, not even as friends with benefits, and it was Graham. I’d said no to him for years.

“I know that Anita isn’t attracted to me; if she had been even a little bit I’d have been emergency food for theardeuryears ago.” He looked down at me with a slight smile on his face, but his eyes were serious.

“Am I supposed to apologize for that?” I asked.

“No, of course not, it was an ego blow that you didn’t think I was awesome,” he said with something close to his usual smug grin, “but I made peace with it. I mean, not everyone likes the same thing, right?”

I frowned at him; Nathaniel jiggled my hand to get me to look at him instead of frowning at Graham. “He didn’t say anything wrong, Anita.”

I let out my breath slowly, trying to let go of the anger that was just there ready to come up and engulf me and everyone around me. “I know he didn’t.”

“Then why are you mad at me?” Graham said. “It seems like you’re always mad at me. I’m sorry I get on your nerves. I thought you had a good time out there with Jean-Claude and me. I’m sorry that you didn’t. I’m sorry that I misread that and you.” He sighed and looked like he was trying to think hard before he said the next part. I appreciated that he was trying so hard not to piss me off more.

“You didn’t misread it, Graham, but I’m fighting years of being raised to be a good girl, and what I did out there doesn’t go under the good-girl code I was raised with, and the wedding is forcing me to deal with my folks more than normal, and it’s bringing up a lot of old issues.”

“I get that,” Graham said, “family is hard. My dad wanted me to follow him into the military, and my mom hates that I work at a strip club. The only thing that would embarrass her more would be if I danced onstage, so she’d really hate tonight.” He gave a half laugh that managed not to be funny at all.

“If the two of you are trying to talk me out of wanting to see you have sex together, it won’t work,” Nathaniel said.

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