Page 45 of Smolder (Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter 29)

It was my turn to sigh. “Fine, let’s get this over with, then get me to Jean-Claude. I know the shoes are revenge for me wanting to wear comfy sweats on our last in-home movie date. I swear I will never make him dress down on date night again.”

“I’m surprised our king owned a pair of sweats,” Rodina said.

“He didn’t. He bought a designer pair just for the date,” I said, as Ethan and Ru led me through the curtain that Felix was holding. I was doing pretty well until we hit the carpet around the raised mirror, and then I held desperately to their hands, because without the support I would have gone down. I leaned into their hands like they were crutches to take the step up on the little raised platform. When Ethan put his other hand on my elbow to steady me even more, I didn’t protest. I thought Jean-Claude had finally taught me how to walk in heels until now; apparently I had a height limit for heels and I was past it.

I was so busy watching my feet to get up on the dais that I didn’t look in the mirrors until I was standing on firm ground. Ethan let go of my elbow and when I didn’t protest he let go of my hand. Ididn’t fall down so Ru started to let go; I held on to him for a second, then realized if I couldn’t even stand in the shoes, date night was over unless one of them carried me everywhere. I took a deep breath, let it out slow, and let go of his hand. He hovered nearby in case I needed the help, but I was finally standing on my own.

I stared down at the strappy sandals, realizing that the shiny blue nail polish on my toes matched or at least complemented the bejeweled sandals. Nathaniel had talked me into the blue polish, a color I’d never worn before, which meant he’d known exactly what color everything would be tonight. I felt suddenly ganged up on by the men in my life. At least my fingers and toes matched, which wasn’t always the case.

“They are lovely sandals, but please look at yourself in the mirrors, Ms.Blake,” Felix said. He was trying for neutral, but I could hear the excitement in his voice; as a vampire he could have hidden it, or maybe not, maybe he just couldn’t wait for me to admire the beautification he’d done.

I looked up. There was a stranger in the mirror looking back at me. The heels made me look tall, hell I was only a half inch shorter than Nathaniel now. My hair fell in perfect black ringlets nearly to my waist. They’d done something to it so that it framed my face but didn’t spill forward like it usually did. It looked soft, touchable, but it stayed put at the same time. It was like hair magic.

The dress was made up of beads and crystals in shades of blue from navy to royal to sky to baby blue with a few black beads and shining clear crystals that winked and sparkled in the lights. The hem of the dress barely touched the bottom of my ass with a shimmering line of jewels, so it was like a necklace at the opposite end of the body. It really was a work of art, too bad it was on me.

“You are exquisite, Ms.Blake,” Felix said.

“You are always beautiful,” Ethan said, “but this is... you’re breathtaking.”

I finally looked at my body, my face, me and not just the hair andthe clothes. The heels gave length to my legs that I hadn’t seen before. The exercise that I did to be able to save my life and the lives of others made my legs strong and the fringe of the dress hugged my curves like a sparkling caress. There was more room around my waist, because that was always smaller than the curves on either side. I was built like an old-fashioned hourglass with more muscle on my bare arms, but no matter how hard I lifted I could never muscle up past a certain point. The body was strong, firm, and feminine. There was nothing I could do to not look like a girl. I’d spent the early part of my life dressing like I was hiding everything the dress revealed. I’d even reverted back to the old way of dressing as the wedding got closer. I loved Jean-Claude, but I still didn’t see what he saw in me physically. He’d been the most beautiful man I’d ever seen, and he’d flirted with me from the beginning. I’d never understood why. Staring into the mirrors, now my face finally matched him. Admittedly he rolled out of bed looking this good and it had taken two hours of professionals to get me here, but for the first time I couldn’t argue that I was beautiful. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.

I remembered my grandmother telling me I was ugly, that no man would ever want me, and I better have a career and be able to take care of myself, but I’d held on to the thought that I looked like a paler version of my mother, and my father called her the most beautiful woman in the world. Then after two years of mourning her, he’d married Judith, who was everything my mother wasn’t. If my short, curvy, curly-haired, Hispanic mother had been the most beautiful woman in the world like he said to her constantly until the day she died, then why was his second wife tall, thin, blond, blue-eyed, and pale like him?

My brown eyes looked almost black, large, and shining in my face, framed by the dramatic eye makeup. The red lipstick had been drawn slightly wider than my lower lip so that my mouth looked pouting and full, and... Rodina was right, I looked like a high-end call girl.

“I take it back,” she said, and came to stand behind and to one side of me. She looked short compared to me now. She was three inches taller if we were both in flats.

“No, you were right, it’s slutty, but then I’m supposed to match Jean-Claude’s outfit and he’ll be stripping tonight.”

“Jean-Claude’s outfit will be elegant, because he’s always elegant,” Ru said.

I smiled then, and conceded that much, but I still stared at myself and didn’t know how to feel;not goodwas the closest I could come. I didn’t feel good about what I saw in the mirror, and even knowing the reasons why, the damage done to me, the lessons I’d taken from my childhood, none of that fixed anything. I had entered therapy thinking it would “fix” me, heal me, make me whole. I’d been right only about the healing; therapy didn’t fix you as if you’d never been broken, it couldn’t do that, but as you accepted all your broken pieces, even the ones you hated most, you gradually realized you were whole. Not because you’d never been broken, but because as you discovered your pain, all the places that hurt, scared you, made you hate others, hate yourself, all the dark stuff, you needed it. You needed the scary stuff inside you as much as the happy parts, because only by accepting all of it, warts and all, could you be whole. I was working on being whole, and as I stared at this beautiful stranger in the mirror I tried to believe it was me and to be okay with the fact that not only had my grandmother been a lying bitch, but the way my family had treated me was wrong. The man I called Dad, the man I wanted to give me away at my wedding, had told me I looked just like my mother, but never that I was beautiful in my own right, and always on his arm had been Judith, whom he called beautiful, and who was everything that my mother and I would never be.

My eyes sparkled in the mirrors, shining like the jewels on the dress and sandals. I kept my eyes wide and didn’t blink, because I didn’t know if the mascara was waterproof. I would not cry and ruin it. I felt more myself with weapons, but I needed at least a day ofpractice getting the gun out of the purse before I’d been happy with my timing and body memory. I’d be better off throwing the purse at them and stabbing them with the stilettos. I felt like a fucking victim in this outfit. I widened my eyes and thought the weak thought,I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry.

14

FELIX HAD TRIEDto ask me if I wanted my hair down like this for the wedding, or up, but Ethan had taken him to the side to ask something, so that Ru could get me out of the shop before I cried, or started to scream, or acted like a damn fool. I was upset enough that I forgot about the heels as we stepped out of the shop and onto the cobblestone road. I nearly twisted my ankle and fell. Only a desperate grab at Ru’s arm saved me. Rodina laughed and said, “I can’t believe you are our queen.”

Ru turned with me in his arms, putting his body between me and his sister. I didn’t feel that threatened, but he knew her better than I did, so I clung to Ru and let him work it out. I was still digging out of the avalanche of issues from seconds ago. I’d let Ru take care of Rodina while I figured out how my family issues might impact tonight’s date with Jean-Claude. “She hasn’t had centuries to perfect herself,” he said.

“It’s a spike heel on cobblestones, guys, anyone can trip,” I said, but I stayed where Ru had put me with his arm around me and him between us. I let myself put most of my energy into shoveling the emotional shit that I could feel inside my head and body. Emotions didn’t just live in the head, or the heart, they burrowed down into your gut, they poured over your skin, they filled up your eyes, theyspilled out your fingertips and toes. Emotions were everywhere if you just let yourself feel them, and I’d worked hard to learn how to feel instead of stuff everything out of sight until it erupted in rage or made terrible choices. I was concentrating so hard on working my issues that I didn’t hear what Rodina said to me.

“I’m sorry, Rodina, what did you say?”

“I said, have you ever seen us trip, any of us?” Rodina asked, peering around her brother at me.

I knew theusmeant the Harlequin. “I’ve seen you all mess up in fight training.”

“We can lose, but that’s not the same thing as tripping on a stone. You are so damn mortal, my queen.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know I disappoint you, Rodina, you aren’t winning any prizes with me either.”

“I feel your pain and confusion, and it hurts me that you are so unhappy, but tonight I simply don’t seem to care.”

“I ask you again, sister, are you fit for duty tonight?” Ru said.

“I can guard her against anyone.” Ru drew me in closer but thanks to the heels I was taller than him for a change, and I could see Rodina glaring at us over his shoulder. I wrapped my arms over his shoulders and gave her very serious eye contact, as I lowered my head and drew in a deep breath of the scent of his skin. It wasn’t just him, but his leopard underneath. Leopard smelled like home to me now, thanks to living with Micah and Nathaniel. Rodina’s glare spread so she looked enraged. The only excuse for what I did next was that I was hurting, and she was hurting, and I’d rather have picked a fight than deal with my own emotional shit. I smiled over her brother’s shoulder and settled myself around him, pressing my body so close that I’d probably compromised his ability to react if we were attacked. It was stupid, childish, but Rodina and I had that effect on each other.

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