Page 57 of Bernadette

“Big ports on Kalquor and Dantovon run day and night. I saw Doljen.”

Tumsa started. “That’s where you went? Did you…did he talk to you?”

“Unfortunately.” Halmiko rubbed his hand over his face. “He’s done with us. Really done. He sends his regrets and all that, but there’s nothing left as far as he’s concerned.”

“I wish I could say I’m surprised. I guess there’s no point in me seeing him.”

“Only if you enjoy getting kindly, politely kicked in the emotional gut.”

“I’m sorry, Halmiko. I guess you’re sick of hearing those words.”

“Only because you’re being too nice about it too.” He managed a pained laugh, because what else could he do? The situation was hysterically pathetic. “Stop with the kindness before I throw up. I mean it. You have to quit being the reasonable Dramok.”

Tumsa offered his own bitter chuckle. “I only forget how when I’m destroying my clan. Since I’ve already accomplished that, should we talk about the next step?”

“Which is?”

Tumsa swallowed, and for an instant, his voice failed him. He managed to get what he wanted to say out. “Since the laws changed, more clans are dissolving their unions. The courts are barely challenging them. Is it something we should consider?”

Halmiko’s first instinct was to punch him for suggesting such a thing. Clanning was for life. It was practically a religion for Kalquorians. But the image of Doljen’s regretful but adamant expression was still in his head.

The words tasted like bile, but he said them. “It might be for the best.”

“Yeah. We can’t get back what we had. It’s better to return to the lives we constructed after everything that happened.” Despite the bold words, there was no relief in Tumsa’s gaze. Only profound grief.

That made two of them.

* * * *

Doljen took one look at the layer of dust on the only bottle of kloq he had in the cabin and set off for Utel’s. He hadn’t had a drink in ages. If this wasn’t the occasion for it, he couldn’t imagine how any other would qualify.

He’d spoken to Bernadette after Halmiko had left, but he’d kept the unexpected visit from his Nobek to himself. His feelingswere too messy to share. Better to figure them out, organize them into neat little compartments, then shove them aside.

Easier said than done. Seeing his scarred but handsome clanmate and his suffering had dealt a severe blow to Doljen’s determination that that part of his life was dead. He’d been certain seeing either Halmiko or Tumsa would steamroll him with emotions he didn’t want, and he’d been right.

It had been agony to tell his Nobek there was no point in attempting to resolve what had happened. Doljen believed that to be true with all his being. There was simply too much injury to heal. He’d know, wouldn’t he? After all, he was a doctor. Yet the yearning to somehow find ground that wasn’t scarred by their losses was there, a pulsing and urgent craving that cried out to be fed.

That path would only lead to more hurt. He refused to tread it.

He stepped into Utel’s, nodded without gazing overlong at the other patrons gathering for dinner, whether solid or liquid, and sat at the bar. “A glass and a bottle of bohut,” he told Utel when the gap-toothed Nobek stepped in front of him.

The bottle and glass appeared before him with barely more than a grunt from his host. No one asked questions in Besyu. Which was good, because Doljen had nothing to say.

He hated to think, but there was no option to avoid that. He tried to center his brain on Bernadette. Her appearance and assertion she wanted a life with him thrilled him to his soul. That she’d forgiven him the long silence since their parting was a gift he couldn’t believe she’d granted. How could he have won such understanding? His heart glowed as he contemplated it.

But Halmiko and Tumsa insisted on being in his musings too. Doljen couldn’t lie to himself about how perfectly happy he would have been if they hadn’t come with Bernadette and if his Nobek hadn’t shown up on his doorstep. There could beno perfect happiness without them, but with Bernadette alone, it would have been enough. He could have lived his life content with her. Who had perfect happiness anyhow? There were always regrets when it came to failed relationships. Right?

He became aware that Utel was darting glances at him. Doljen hadn’t touched the drink he’d ordered. He poured a glass and stared into its depths.

Bernadette. Halmiko. Tumsa. They swirled in his head, tugging him back and forth.

You taught me we can’t hide from who we are or our pasts.He’d made Bernadette confront herself on Europa. She was the kind of woman who’d return the favor.

He’d spoken to Halmiko and ended their chapter. He’d hoped to avoid a similar encounter with Tumsa, but if he were to start his life anew with the woman he loved, he’d have to face his Dramok. He had to finish their relationship once and for all, so he could have that new beginning he’d never dreamed possible.

The idea of speaking to Tumsa when Doljen had failed him so badly roiled his stomach. But for Bernadette and a future that included her, he no longer had a choice.

He stood and tapped his handheld on the payment scanner in front of his seat. He hadn’t touched a drop, but his guts churned too much for him to dare. To speak to Tumsa after drinking would be an insult to his Dramok when the man had lost his brother to substance abuse.

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