Page 55 of Bernadette

“I know. I saw it. I lived it.” Halmiko’s tone was tired. Used up. Tumsa had the urge to throw his arms around him and beg forgiveness for making him that way.

Bernadette wasn’t bothering with sympathy. “You claim you know, but you apparently don’t. Did Zakla ask for help when he realized he was losing control?”

“He went to treatment,” Tumsa said.

“Of his own accord, or did you push him to do so?”

“I arranged it.”

“And you probably had to insist he wouldn’t skip out, correct? Because he would have, without you making sure he went.”

She was right.

“Hey, I understand he was your brother. I realize you loved him and his needless death devastated you. But guys, it didn’t matter how much you arranged your lives in order to keep him clean. He himself made no effort at the end. Sooner or later, he would have died no matter what you did, because he chose that lifestyle over living.”

“I realize that.” Tumsa heard himself echo Halmiko’s assertion. “I do understand it, Bernadette. But my heart and my soul don’t want to hear what my head tells them. It’s what’s deep inside me that tells me I don’t deserve my clan because of how badly I failed my brother. It was me who failed, not Doljen.” He turned to Halmiko. “It sure as hell wasn’t you. Not for onefucking second did you do anything wrong. I’ll never forgive myself for how I treated you.”

His Nobek stared at him. Halmiko’s overwhelming anguish was shockingly similar to that he’d worn the day Tumsa had come home after Zakla’s death.

He straightened from his crouch. Without a word, he turned on his heel and left Bernadette’s quarters.

After the door closed behind him, Tumsa said, “See? What I did to them can’t be excused.”

“Do you want to bring your clan together again?”

He started despite the softness of Bernadette’s tone. Then he choked out disbelieving laughter. “How can you ask me that? Isn’t clear there’s no chance?”

“That isn’t what I asked.” He’d forgotten her hand covered his. She squeezed, reminding him. “If your brother hadn’t died, if he’d stopped using, would Clan Tumsa be together now? Is there any reason to think you’d have broken up?”

Tumsa couldn’t see what difference answering would make. There was no point in wondering what might have been. Looking into Bernadette’s dark eyes, he found himself answering anyway. “We were happy, when we weren’t trying to police Zakla. Very happy.” Flashes of the past shot through his mind. A beaming Halmiko with his arm around Tumsa’s shoulders. Doljen laughing.

The hurt in his chest sharpened as if Halmiko had stabbed him with one of his many blades. He turned that hurt on her.

“What does it matter to you? You found Doljen, and he was happy to see you. You have a future with him, don’t you? What do Halmiko and I matter since you have what you came for?”

“It matters because Doljen still cares about you two. He wishes he didn’t, but he’s suffering without his clan. I only win my heart’s desire if he’s happy.” She swallowed hard and pulledher hand from his. “Even if that means letting him go so your clan can be restored, damn you.”

Tumsa stared. She’d spent years searching for Doljen when he and Halmiko had given up. Yet for his Imdiko’s happiness, she was willing to step aside. She truly loved Doljen.

Bernadette made him feel small. Had he thought himself unworthy of his clanmates before? He felt doubly so now.

He stood, unable to bear her presence for an instant longer, but he did summon the strength to answer her question. “If I could erase the things I said that drove Doljen off, I would. We know I can’t. There’s no hope for my clan.”

He left before the scream welling within him could escape.

Chapter Sixteen

Halmiko pounded on the crude door and kept pounding until it flew open.

Doljen stood before him, his face flushed, features burning with emotion. Whether that emotion was fury or terror, Halmiko wasn’t sure. What was plain was that he wasn’t welcome.

“I don’t care if you despise me,” he burst out. “You can hate the sight of me, you can run off again where I’ll never find you in a million years, but I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen. Just this once.”

Maybe it was the raw feeling in his tone. Maybe it was because he was shaking hard enough that Doljen couldn’t miss it. Maybe it was the desperation bursting from him. In any event, Doljen took a slow step backward, opening the door wider. “Come in then.”

It required every ounce of Nobek pride and strength to keep his knees from folding under him in relief. Halmiko stepped into the crude cabin his Imdiko called home. He glanced at hissurroundings and wished he hadn’t. This was what he’d reduced Doljen to?

Despite the years they’d been separated, it seemed his clanmate could still read his thoughts. “I’ve found a simple lifestyle suits me. This is luxurious compared to what I had in prison.”

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