Page 49 of Bernadette

“Hey, that’s between you and them. I’m not here to change your mind where your relationship with your clan is concerned. I’m here because I needed to know you were okay. I love you.”

His gaze softened, and the angry fear that had overcome him eased. “If you knew how my days and nights have been filled wondering how you are, what you’re doing, or if you ever thought about me and what happened on Europa—”

“Why didn’t you look for me too?” An ache awoke in her chest. He’d chosen to hide in this crude cabin in a lawless land rather than search her out.

“I had to deal with some issues after the war with Earth. It took years.”

“You mean you had to serve a prison sentence. Then there was the civil war, during which you agreed to return to service to lessen that sentence. You’ve been free to find me for over a year now.”

He winced. “They told you about me going to prison? That I’m a felon?”

“I’ve heard the whole story. It doesn’t matter. I love you, and I would have searched until I was dead to find you.” Her face warmed. “I know how bizarre that sounds, how stalker-ish. How could I love you so hard so fast?”

His fingertips brushed her cheek. “I’ve asked myself the same thing.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me what was happening? Why haven’t you looked for me the way I’ve searched for you?”She couldn’t stop the pain from filling her words despite his admitting he’d loved her.

“When we said goodbye, in my head, it was for the last time. I was certain that after so long with no word, you’d give up on me. I convinced myself that you being free to live the life you deserved, on your terms, was all I needed. That it was right to give you up rather than ask you to wait for me. Then you walked out of the woods, and I realized how lost I’d felt without you. How empty.”

“You never considered it might have been the same for me?”

His smile was wistful. “I wanted you to be happy. I wanted you to discover love and purpose and to live the hell out of your life. I couldn’t offer you that. I still can’t.”

“Why? Because you live on the outskirts of civilization? Because the closest dive to get a ronka steak is run by a toothless guy who probably hasn’t washed his hands in a decade and on the run from the law?”

“Ah, you’ve met Utel.” He chuckled. “Actually, I could give you more than this—” he gestured at the rough-hewn log walls and equally crude furniture “—since I have money socked away. But I chose to disappear.”

“To avoid your clanmates. Doljen, what about all the speeches you gave me about running away from life?” She stroked his hair to take the sting out of her words.

“I don’t deserve to be a part of the clan. It’s because of me that Tumsa’s brother died.”

“You’re punishing yourself for that? From what your clanmates told me, Zakla knew every trick in the book to play it sober.” She gaped at him as the full import of what was going on struck her. “You aren’t avoiding them because they turned on you. You sentenced yourself for a crime you never committed.”

“I’m a doctor. I was aware there were temporary measures Zakla could take to pass himself off as clean. I’d also heard he’dbeen partying the night before. Though I had no evidence he’d done so, I should have refused to sign off on him playing.” Pain sat on Doljen’s face like an old friend.

“Hal and Tumsa don’t blame you anymore. In fact, they’re eating themselves up with guilt for accusing you.” What a mess Clan Tumsa was. Each man condemned himself for a death he wasn’t guilty of, then drowned in more guilt for what he’d done to his clanmates.

They hadn’t fallen apart because they no longer wanted to be together. What they’d had was still there, but not a one of them believed he deserved it.

“They care about you. Losing you is as much punishment for them as it is for you.”

He considered her. “You like them. Maybe more?”

“I’m barely familiar enough with Tumsa to form a real opinion of him. We’ve only just met. He seems like a decent guy.” Very decent. Bernadette found it hard to square the asshole he claimed to have been after his brother had died with the considerate and patient man she was growing acquainted with.

“Halmiko?”

She wasn’t sure how Doljen would take her romps with the compelling Nobek, but she saw no reason to gloss over the link they’d formed. “He knows his way around a clit, so yeah, he’s all right in my book.”

Doljen stared at her for a moment, then burst into laughter. It was a relief to watch him find humor at last. He wiped his eyes after a couple of minutes. “Anything else, or mere sexual satisfaction?”

“He’s a good guy under that take-it-or-leave-it exterior. He’s really hurting over what happened between you. I see a lot in him that appeals to me.” She wondered if the hedged admission would end with Doljen throwing her out.

He didn’t. Instead, he kissed her with lingering care. Perhaps he was choosing to ignore her opinion about Hal.

Seconds later, they were making love again. All thoughts about his clanmates were banished.

Doljen opened his eyes the next morning reluctantly. He feared the day before had been only a dream.

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