Page 13 of Against My Fire

I have no idea where to start. I guess it will be with how sorry I am. You don’t deserve what I did to you. At the time I thought it was what was best for me and little Taylor but as time went on I realized that I made a mistake. The only thing is that I couldn’t come to you, so much time had passed and I didn’t know how to explain my actions to you.

That is why I am writing this letter, you have to understand that I didn’t do it to hurt you even though I know that I did. I know you would have been broken when I left. I did love you, I just didn’t want the life you wanted. I didn't want that for our baby and if I stayed I would have resented you.

Do you remember the fight we had two weeks before I left? I told you that I wanted to go to the city and live there for a few years and you told me that you couldn’t leave the ranch. That the ranch was your life. Well, I wanted you to tell me that I was your life. I wanted to tell you about the little life growing inside me, but I couldn’t lose myself by staying on the ranch.

I am sorry, it just wasn’t the life I wanted. I am not the person you wanted or needed. You need someone that would love the ranch as much as you do. I wasn’t that and I couldn’t stay. I decided then and there that I would leave before you woke up. I knew you had plans to ask me to marry you, but you never saw how unhappy I was there. You never saw me. You just wanted the perfect housewife while you ran your ranch.

If you paid more attention to me, then maybe it would have been different. You have a business degree and you are never going to use it in that town you call your home.

With that all out of the way. If you received this letter, it means that I have died and you have custody of our son. All I ask is that you love him enough for the both of us. I also don’t want him to get attached to any of your ladies that I know you will turn to. Hopefully one day you will find the right girl for you and she will also love my son.

Don’t let her take my place. Make sure he knows that I love him and I am proud of him. I know that is asking a lot seeing as what I have done, but he is my son and I raised him until I couldn’t anymore.

Once again, I am sorry for keeping him from you. I wish it was different, but my happiness was more important. I had to do what was best for me.

Take care of yourself and Taylor.

Love Tanya.

P.S. Taylor doesn’t like insects. He freaks out around them, so please don’t force him to go near them. Make sure my child is happy.

I tear up the letter in frustration. I didn’t know that she was that fucking unhappy. Every time I asked her she told me she was fine and loved the house. Yes, she did want to move to the city and I couldn’t. I told her that she should go and I would visit her every chance I got. I would have made it work. She obviously didn’t want to. She wanted a way out and she took that as a way out. She did this to hurt me and hoped that I wouldn’t find out about Taylor.

“Jax…” Bentley’s voice cracks as she calls out my name. I turn to see tears run down her cheeks. I cup her face as I wipe them off with my thumbs. “Nothing she said about you is true. I have seen how you are. I might have not known you as long as she did, but you would have given her anything she asked you for. As for your business degree, you are running this ranch and it’s making a profit. You are using your degree.” I kiss her lips without thinking about it. This woman has me feeling things I have never felt before. She’s proving to me that what I had with Tayna wasn’t really love.

“You are amazing, Bentley Cruz.” I kiss her again. “I asked her so many times what was wrong and she told me nothing. Up until the day she left, I didn’t know that she was unhappy here. She wanted to move to the city and I honestly couldn’t go with her. I would have made it work between us but she didn't want that.”

“If she didn’t tell you, how were you supposed to know? You can't read minds. And she doesn’t know Taylor as well as she wanted you to think she does. He loves butterflies and crickets. He is going to love the ranch life.” She has analyzed the whole letter in the time she read it and everything she’s saying is the truth. Taylor loves butterflies. He can’t get enough of how pretty they are. He even saved a spider that scared Bentley the other day. He does not freak out when they come near him or if he sees them.

“That’s true. Now I know why she did it and I think it’s a shitty reason, but I will never make her out as bad with Taylor. She’s his mom and I will remind him of who she was and that she loved him.” She hugs me and I feel like I just want her near me.

“I am proud of you.”

“Let’s go do what we wanted to do today. I need to start cleaning the paddock. Will you be alright with Taylor today?”

“I will. We will have fun. Taylor and I will also prepare dinner.” She gets up and holds her hand out to me, I pull her down again so she is straddling my lap. People might say that I don’t care about what I have read in the letter. They are right. I don’t. It’s closure to me, but I was over her the day she decided to leave.

“Will you stay with me tonight,” I ask with hope. I don't care if we do anything. I just want to hold her and wake up next to her.

“I am sure that can be arranged.” She leans down and kisses me. I pull her closer by her hips as I deepen our kiss. I will never get enough of her.

I pull away before both of us end up on the couch with no clothes on. “We need to go or I am taking you right now.” She laughs as she gets off of me. I get up and link my hand with hers as I lead her out. I see Logan with Taylor by the horse and we walk over to them.

As soon as Taylor sees us he takes off running towards us. He is going to have fun today and I wish with everything in me that I could join them, but I need to assist in the cleaning myself. I need to see if what Blake said is true.

I will make it up to both of them but also feel that they need this bonding time. If I want to have her in my life.

Chapter Thirteen

? Bentley ?

After Jaxon went with the guys, Taylor and I made our way toward the butterfly field. I am well aware that it’s not called the butterfly field, but to me and Taylor it’s the butterfly field.

I hold Taylor’s tiny hand in mine as we walk down the path. He is talking a mile a minute and I sometimes don’t understand half of what he is saying, but seeing him this happy is all I want for this little boy. Especially after reading what his mother wrote. I can’t believe the things she said about Jaxon. He has never been pushy with me or anyone that I have seen him interact with. Even Shelby was gushing over how wonderful Jaxon is and how happy she was that we were seeing each other. Even though I don’t really know what this thing is between the two of us. We have spent all our time together and shared a few kisses here and there, but we haven’t made anything official. I don’t even know if people these days make things official or if they just spend time together.

Taylor stops and I look down at him. “Look!” He jumps up and down as he points to the field on our left side. I smile as I see the wildflowers with butterflies all over. “Ley, Come…” He pulls my hand as he runs towards the field. I let go of his hand to watch him sit between the flowers to watch the butterflies. He holds his little hand out while he sits extremely still.

One orange and black butterfly flutters around his hand until it sits down on his hand. His eyes grow wide and I pull my phone out to snap a photo before the butterfly flies away. He laughs and it touches my soul at how sweet this little boy is.

---