Page 51 of There I Find Rest

“So we wouldn’t have a child. She wouldn’t go to school and have friends. She wouldn’t have a family of her own someday.”

“Are any of those things better than being with God?”

He was asking himself too, because he felt the same way.

“I never thought about it like that. But it’s almost like me wanting her to stay is me being selfish.” Kim’s voice was faint, like she was working through it in her mind as she spoke.

“Let’s not say that. It’s natural. You’re her mother. You want to be with her, that’s the feeling that God gave you. Of course there are mothers who don’t want to take care of their children, and that’s unnatural and not right. So don’t say selfish. Just... When you think about it in a different way, reframe the thought, that losing your daughter isn’t really losing her, it’s just God taking her back so He can raise her, then it doesn’t seem so bad. Just... Still sad and hard.”

She took a deep breath and blew it out, trembling a little.

He put a hand up, cupping her cheek, brushing it across her temple and ear and sliding it on the back of her neck over her hair, pulling her tight.

“Sad and hard is right. But...that gives me a whole new perspective. That maybe God wants her, and that would be better for her. Not that I want her to die, just if she does, maybe it’s not as devastating as what I think.”

“I think sometimes we know we can trust God, but we act like our way is better. But it’s not better for Kathleen to be here than in heaven. But also, God’s way is better than our way, right? Because if it were our way, this wouldn’t happen. Also, I guess there must be lessons that God wants us to learn. Or experiences He wants us to experience or lives we need to touch.”

She looked at him thoughtfully, the tears still on her cheeks, but she was no longer crying. “Maybe God had this happen so that you and I would spend this time together?”

“Maybe.” He looked her in the eyes, her lashes still wet, but her expression sincere. “Actually, I like that idea. That God is a romantic. Although, maybe He’s not quite a romantic in the way I think He’s a romantic.”

“I want to say that I could give Him a few pointers, but that’s not true. Maybe, maybe the way character is formed amid hardship, relationships formed in hardship grow our character and grace. If we handle them right.”

“Now that’s a real good way of looking at it,” he said, nodding his head and liking the thought. “It makes sense that hardship can grow more than just character in a person, that it can forge two people together in a relationship as they deal with the things that they need to deal with. In the right way.”

They smiled together, and then she said, “I guess we just need to make sure we deal with it the right way.”

“That’s true. I think if we do that, we won’t be the only ones who benefit. After all, people don’t really notice you unless you’re different. Unless you respond and act differently.”

“Act like a Christian, instead of someone from the world with no hope.”

“I’m sure calmness and complete assurance in the idea that God is sovereign—the ability to let go of our desires and expectations and just rest in God—knowing with a certainty that whatever happens is totally fine, is probably not an attitude that people around here see much.”

“But it would be really good testimony, wouldn’t it?”

He nodded. “It sure would. And maybe that’s one of the things that the Lord wants from us. To take our eyes off ourselves and to put them on Him, enabling us to better notice the people around us, and how we can minister to them, instead of worrying about what’s going to happen to us.”

“That’s a really good thought. I actually was scared earlier, because... I didn’t know how I was going to start a business while I was pregnant and handle it with a newborn. I have even less idea how I’m going to do it with the baby in the NICU, because I want to be here with her. I hardly can if I have to be at home, starting a business. And I don’t have anyone to fall back on.”

“You have me. Please don’t count me out. In fact, count me in. You have me.” He repeated himself, wanting her to understand that.

“I can’t expect you to do everything for me. I know you have other things to do.”

“I don’t. Once I have the partnership dissolved between your ex-husband and me, I’m just looking for things to do. Actually, I really enjoyed going to look at the horses with you. I was getting excited about the idea that there’d be a riding stable and horses to take care of and people coming and going and...working with you.”

Her breath caught, and that thrilled his heart. That maybe she wasn’t as immune to him as what he kept thinking she was. Maybe there was some hope for them after all.

She looked away, down at his shirt, where her hand rested.

“Kim. I want to. At least let me take care of the horses when they come Wednesday.”

“Don’t you want to be here?”

“I’ll be here as much as I can. There’s also the possibility that we can hire someone to help in the stable. I can put a word out, and we’ll see if anyone turns up.”

“I can’t afford that.”

“But I can. And you can consider that I’m doing it as a dad so that I will have extra time to spend at the hospital with my daughter. And you.”

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