Page 12 of There I Find Rest

“Come on in, Kim. I...” He didn’t know what to say around her. The night they spent together, they’d done more dancing, and other things, than talking, but he felt an ease with her that he’d never felt with anyone else. She seemed to fit perfectly in his arms, seemed to belong beside him. The talking they had done had felt exactly right. Their silences perfect, not awkward or uncomfortable.

It sounded cheesy, but that night, he felt like he found his soulmate.

He only regretted what came after, which was all his fault. He...should have known better. But it was heady to have Kim in his arms, and he’d made one stupid decision after another.

He should ask for her forgiveness. He wanted it. Wanted to start out with a clean slate, courting her the way she deserved and not treating her like she was only worth one night.

He wanted her for the rest of his life or at least wanted to see if that would be possible.

She came slowly in, and he closed the door behind her while she stopped in the middle of the room, seeming uncertain.

“I’m sorry there’s not much. There’s a couple of chairs in the kitchen and...not much else.” There was one recliner in the small room that passed as the living room/dining room/sitting room.

But it would be awkward for her to be sitting while he stood, or vice versa.

“Maybe I’ll just stand,” she said, seeming to square her shoulders as she lifted her head and looked at him.

He had to be careful because just like all the clichés, he could get lost in her eyes.

“I’m pregnant. She’s yours.”

That’s all she said. It was enough.

His lungs froze, while his heart seemed to fall out of his chest. His fingers tingled, and his knees felt like they were going to buckle.

“You’re pregnant?” he repeated, his words echoing hers and not as much a question as just the words rolling around in his head and tumbling out of his mouth.

Kim. His baby. Them. Together. Parents. Her. Kim had said her. A daughter.

He didn’t know when his mouth became dry, his throat tight, the back of his neck feeling stretched and taut, his body stiff like he couldn’t move.

She nodded, her face dead serious. He hadn’t imagined this, hadn’t even considered.

He should have. Of course he should have. He was old enough to know better. But he didn’t typically do those kinds of things, and he knew without a shadow of doubt that Kim didn’t either.

Funny how people who do things like that all the time never got “caught.” They were too smart and savvy. It was the people who hardly ever did it, the ones who had moral reasons for not, who were caught unprepared.

Like a teenager who should have known better but didn’t think it could happen to them.

He supposed becoming a father without getting married first was a terrible thing at any age, but at his... It was embarrassing.

Except, was it terrible that there was a small part of him that was also thrilled? That was silently jumping for joy somewhere deep inside of him. That wanted to grab Kim, throw his arms around her, lift her up in the air, and smile and celebrate.

A new life. One they had made together.

“Am I allowed to be happy about that?” he finally said, realizing that beyond the shame and guilt, the knowing that he had done something he shouldn’t have, beyond the embarrassment of anyone in the world who would say that he should have known better, used protection, should have made better decisions, beyond all that, his happiness was almost overwhelming.

“You can feel however you want to about it. I’m not sure how I feel.” She put her arms around her stomach and turned away from him. He wanted to grab her, turn her back, promise her that everything was going to be okay, that they would raise the child together, that this would be the most loved child in the history of the world. That he wasn’t going to let anything happen to her. That they could build a life for her together. The two of them. And then three. Maybe there’d even be a sibling.

He thought about his age, calculated how old he would be with their children graduated from high school, and decided that yes. He’d love that. Love to do that. He wasn’t too old.

Family vacations. Suppers around the table. All the things that he didn’t have growing up but wanted so badly, so fiercely. He wanted to give those to his child.

But the woman in front of him didn’t look the slightest bit interested or welcoming.

“Maybe it will take some time for you to decide what you want?”

She nodded, her head jerking up and down in quick little shakes, making him feel like not only was she nervous, but she was scared too.

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