Page 55 of It's Just You

16

Kane

I was buzzingwith nerves and anger, and my body couldn’t settle on which one to go all out for. My hands were shaking as I scrolled through my contacts, waiting impatiently for Finn to accept my call. I needed him, needed to talk to him — needed to hold him and be held, needed to have someone to tell me it was all going to be okay even though it wasn’t.

It might be better, but it was never going to be okay.

I hadn’t seen him again, but we’d been texting nonstop. Despite my doubts, Finn seemed to be as invested as I was in this relationship, and if he could handle going without the physical, it boded well for the future. But for now? I needed him in my arms before I just screamed my frustration into my pillow and beat the shit out of it.

“Yeah?” he answered.

“Finn?” My unsteady voice stabilized a little when I heard him.

“You called me, so yeah, it’s me.” His tone was laced with laughter, which was about the last thing I needed right now, but I knew he’d get serious fast when he realized I was at my limit of what I could take.

“Can you… Can you come over? I need you.” I stopped. I’d wanted to say something completely different, but the words had come out as soon as I’d heard his voice on the line.

“I’ll be there in ten, okay?”

“Yeah,” I said, a little dizzy with relief. He hung up, and I had to adjust to the idea that he was dropping everything to come over without even asking what was wrong. My own brother would need more than that to come to my aid, but with Finn — a man I’d fooled around with exactly once, one I still wasn’t even sure I could call my boyfriend — it had been just as easy as asking.

I could barely wrap my mind around it. It didn’t do much to soothe the buzzing, and I paced across my bedroom floor.

Not even eight minutes later, when I still wasn’t even sure why I’d called him, or what I’d really tell him, the doorbell rang.

I went downstairs, taking the steps two at a time, and was out of the door.

Finn stood there, looking just as gorgeous as ever. Without thinking, I flung myself into his arms. I didn’t want to be weak, didn’t want to break down in front of him or anyone, but I couldn’t help myself. Tears sprang to my eyes, and safe in the arms of a man so much smaller than me, I let them fall.

They’d burned in there ever since the doctor had finally — fucking finally — delivered a diagnosis, and I’d barely been able to hold them back. I couldn’t do it any longer. I sobbed, drenching Finn’s t-shirt as I clutched him and hid against his shoulder. I could only imagine what the neighbors would think — the big, muscled and tattooed physical trainer taking comfort from the lean, effeminate man who wore mascara and glitter. But I didn’t care.

I couldn’t stop.

Finn murmured words of comfort, but they didn’t register for a long time. He also gently nudged me backwards, closer to the house, and I was in no state to protest or look up or anything at all. I’d held it together in the doctor’s office and on the way back home, all the way through when I’d tucked my exhausted but elated father into bed, right until Finn had gotten here and I couldn’t stop it any longer.

He held me like he was a rock, like it would take so much more to make him crumble. Like he could carry me, as ridiculous as that sounded. But I knew he could carry part of my pain if I only confided in him. I didn’t know where else to turn, who else to talk to; it wasn’t like sharing my feelings was on the top of my priority list. And I had to trust him. Whatever relationship we had, I had to learn to do that much, at least. I’d instinctively known I could, or I wouldn’t have automatically called him for comfort.

When my tears finally subsided, I sniffled then raised my head. I’d have taken a step back, but he held me close. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… Fuck, I’m sorry. It’s just that they finally found out what’s wrong with him.”

Finn only needed a few seconds to catch up. “Your dad?”

I nodded. “He’s been sick for two years, and no one knew what it was. I think they ran every test possible, and still, nothing. This new doctor finally did another comprehensive screening, and it turns out it’s Lyme disease.” I shook my head, still both bewildered and pissed off that the tests hadn’t revealed it sooner — or that the doctors hadn’t tested for the right things. “It must’ve been too early when they first ran tests, assuming they ran a test for it at all.” I looked at Finn, knowing I was a total wreck as I continued to ramble, “It wouldn’t have gotten this bad if they’d caught it early, and fuck, now he’s probably going to have permanent problems with his nerves and joints, but they can maybe make it better.”

Finn squeezed my body, kissing my cheek. “I’m so happy they finally found out what it was. Even if it can’t completely get better, just knowing has to be such a relief.”

“It really is. I’m so glad for him, so relieved.”

“I can imagine. So those were tears of joy then?”

I shook my head, then nodded, then shrugged. God, I was a mess. “Relieved, pissed off, frustrated, sad… all of it. If they could’ve just found out what it was sooner…”

“You know you’ve never told me what happened,” Finn said, his voice sounding so careful, like he was afraid I was going to get upset at him. “I just knew he was sick.”

I met his eyes and bent down to kiss him, then remembered how I had to have looked. Ugh. I’d have to wait to kiss him until I could do more than wipe my nose with the back of my hand. “The short version… He got really sick, and Mom couldn’t handle taking care of him alone. It nearly killed her to ask me for help, but I dropped out of college to help with him.”

“And Sam… doesn’t know?” Finn guessed.

I shook my head. “No. They never wanted to tell him. He’s supposed to follow his dreams, you know? It’s unfair, yeah, and Dad feels guilty as hell because of it, but there’s nothing we could do. We couldn’t find another way to make it work, so I went to the gym to work and support us and all. They’re worried that if he finds out, he’ll do something stupid like… drop out too.” I snorted. Sam was too selfish for that.

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